


The Hands That Bind Me

by Zombiecat



Series: Bind Me 'verse [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Aftercare, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, BAMF Castiel, BDSM, Bondage, Cutting, Dark Dean Winchester, Dominant/Top Castiel, Gore, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marking, Masochism, Masturbation, PTSD, Season 8, Submissive/Bottom Dean, Torture, Violence, post purgatory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-17
Updated: 2013-09-02
Packaged: 2017-12-20 12:13:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 56,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/887142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zombiecat/pseuds/Zombiecat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is struggling with adjusting back into the civilized world after a year of fighting for his life in Purgatory. He's going to need some angelic assistance reining in his darker impulses.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Screaming

**Author's Note:**

> This is set in Season 8 after episode 8x08 where Castiel chose to stay and watch over Fred Jones in the nursing home. Castiel isn't brainwashed by Naomi but is free of Purgatory.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There just isn't enough to kill here..

**_Stars hide your fires. Let not light see my black and deep desires._**

Dean has been staring at the popcorn ceiling of some shitty motel room for over an hour. He tries to focus on breathing in and out, deepening his breathing but his fist still clutches sporadically at the scratchy comforter. Like it has been long enough for him to forget he's doing it with only the oncoming cramping in his fingers to remind him occasionally. 

Two days. They had driven two freaking days straight to Illinois for what turned out to be a goddamn goose chase. And now he's twitchy, he couldn't seem to get his pulse to calm down since they got back to their temporary home crap home. 

On the way in, the night clerk had tried to give them some shit about how they double charge in the off season for more than two nights and he almost shoved him through the wall. He vaguely heard Sam smoothing things over behind him with quick apologizes and an extra hundred as he stormed into their room. He would have had to endure a feelings talk or at least an epic bitch out if he hadn't headed straight for the shower. 

Dean finally gives up sleep as a lost cause. With a glance at his brother's sleeping form, he grabs his leather jacket and closes the door behind him. 

He passes the Impala and just keeps on going. Dean's used to traveling long distances by foot and lets the blackness of night wrapped around him like a protective skin. He liked the dark now more than he used to. It meant less exposure. You could blend into the shadows just like one of them. It meant safety. For a while. 

He doesn't pay attention to where he's going until he finds himself in a field with tall grass that's been left to grow unattended. 

Dean Winchester. Hunter. Brother. Defender of the Innocent and Scourge of the Monsters. 

He grinds his teeth so hard he might break them. After a second, Dean laughs up at the still pitch dark sky but nothing's all that funny. Everything's churning and bubbling just behind his eyes, under his skin, between his teeth and he has to get it out. Somehow. He feels like screaming until he's ruined his throat and won't ever be able to make another sound with it. 

For a brief moment, that makes him think of an impossibly guttural voice. He wonders if he'd sound like Cas if he sat out here yelling like a crazed thing until he couldn't anymore. That thought has him smiling for the first time in weeks. Closing his eyes, Dean breathes the angel's name before he even thinks it through.

All the knee-high grass around him sways to one side and when he opens his eyes, Cas is there. 

"Dean," he says simply with that barely there smile. It's replaced with confusion when he takes in their surroundings. "Is something wrong? Where's Sam?"

"Uh.." Well shit. This is a little embarrassing now that he's here. I mean they're in a field in the middle of nowhere. He doesn't have his car and he knows he's shaking slightly.

"Sam's fine. He's sleeping back at the motel." Wherever that is, he adds to himself.

Dean tries to pull his shit together long enough to swallow down the tightness in his chest and ticking in his jaw to sound normal. "Just wanted to, ya know, catch up. You still watching over Fred?"

Castiel frowns and answers as though he's preoccupied. "I've been helping people... healing the sick... trying to do penance and redeem myself. I still check in on Mr. Jones- Dean, what's happened?" He had been looking around the open space as he talked and finished by taking a step forward. Closer.

Trying to feign innocence, he says, "Nothin' Cas. A guy can't say hello?" His voice raises a little too loud as he gets defensive. Dammit why did he call him anyway? Breathe in. Breathe out.

Castiel does his usual soulful stare and tries again. "We are.. friends. You should give me the courtesy of the truth."

He can't help it. He's already strung too tight. Dean barks out a harsh laugh. "Are we friends, Cas?!" He's pacing now with unspent energy. "Alls we ever do is fight. Fight each other. Fight friggin' shifters.. vamps. Fight demons. Pain in the dick angels. Hell, if God would ever show his ass, I'm sure we'd have to fight him too." He tries and fails to slow his breathing - he's too amped up again. "All I'm good for anymore is the damn fight!" 

Cas is looking at him all concern and scrunched eyebrows. Dean forces himself to stop the aimless rant and try to put into words what has him wandering in the dead of night. What he can't tell his brother. What has him terrified if he was being honest with himself but when was he ever that? Maybe Cas would get it.. or just stoically listen and flit away. Either way, he starts talking.

"Do you ever miss it?" Dean chokes out gruffly with his back turned. 

"Miss what?" Cas stays where he is. Waiting. 

"Purgatory." Dean turns to meet his eyes. Cas didn't understand 80% of Dean's pop culture references, but he instinctively picks up on where his head is immediately. 

"I'm an Angel, Dean. A soldier. I've fought in wars that lasted longer than your species has been on this planet." He pauses and cocks his head slightly. "You miss.. battle?"

"Not exactly. Not just that." He hesitates. "It was simple, right? Clean. Everything else was dialed down to just adrenaline. Blood. Finding the weak spot. No worrying about Sammy or saving the world or... or stopping whatever goddamn monster of the weeks gotta buncha kids locked up for lunch. It was just me- us- and the monsters."

Cas was silent, waiting for Dean to finish. He wanted to reach out, touch him somewhere.. somehow in comfort but he knew Dean wouldn't thank him for it.

"Jesus, man, I want that. I _need_ it. We were on a hunt today that turned out to be just a big fucking waste of time and I feel like.. like I'm gonna lose it or something. Like I'm hungry for it and so..." He shakes his head bitterly. "Empty." 

"Dean..." Cas starts and tries not to flinch when Dean barks out, "Fuck! There's something broken inside me." 

His voice is shaky. He's feels like a whiny bitch. He's _acting_ like a whiny bitch. Why is he talking about this? It's making it stronger and harder to not want to tear into his own flesh.. if not someone else's. 

Everything takes too long. They have to research and then drive and stake out and track down the thing and hunt it into a corner. It all takes fucking days, sometimes weeks, at a time. Then it's over too quickly. There's not enough stuff to kill here.. and that's the most terrifying thought of all. 

"I think.." he trails off and looks at the sky for the rest of that sentence. "I feel like soon maybe we'll run out of monsters. Like I might not pull back in time when I realize its a human and we need the police. Or.."

Cas has been giving him his blank stare, letting Dean go non-stop. He knows he's said the word _feel_ in this rant more than he has in his whole damn life but he's got to get the next part out so someone else knows. If he gets too close to the dark side.. he needs Cas to know that he'll have to stop him. 

Dean looks straight at his friend for the first time since he started and comes to stand right in front of him.

"I get this itch now. It don't go away until I've torn something apart and watched the lights go out. You understand? I thought hunting would do it and I'd be fine.. but it's not enough. I might hurt someone. I need you to take care of me if that happens. Sammy can't do it. It has to be you."

Cas is clenching his jaw and squinting at him with a lot of intensity. "So you're just going to let this have you, Dean?"

"Cas, look I -"

"No." He shoves Dean backward until he loses his balance and winds up on his butt in the grass. He angrily glares down at the hunter, showing Dean a glimpse of Castiel, Angel of the Lord. Maybe Cas will just smite him here and now like the evil piece of shit he is. 

"I refuse to have rebelled, fought and died in your name just to now destroy you."

Dean gets to his feet, feeling his anger return like a warm caress. Cas immediately pushes his chest hard enough to knock him right back on the ground again. 

"I will stop you if you need it, but I won't kill you, Dean." Cas' fists are balled at his sides.

Dean knew rationally that it was Cas above him, but his body was getting all flushed and keyed up to attack. Anticipation starts to knot in his belly and this time when Cas steps forward to knock him down, Dean dives lower and charges his middle. 

They ended with Cas on his back and Dean straddling his chest for leverage, arm raised to punch his pretty boy face. Castiel caught Dean's wrist mid-air and tries to ignore the feeling of Dean pressed so intimately against his body. His fingers twitch to release his angelblade but he concentrates instead on forcing the human off him. Even if he looked like a holy tax accountant, he would always be stronger and it was time he reminded Dean of that. 

While Dean is busy trying to pull back his arm so he can hurt and purge some of his rage into this fight, Castiel pushes upwards and uses his strength to flip them.

Dean grunts in impotent anger as he's pinned hard into the earth. Barring his teeth, he growls as he bucks and tries to dislodge the angel. He needs an outlet for all the violence swirling inside him before he explodes. 

Castiel locks his jaw and exhales slowly, knowing Dean doesn't realize his denim-covered groin is rubbing against his vessel's with every attempt to throw him. He tries to direct his focus on holding the furious hunter down instead of the blood rushing to his lower extremity. Human anatomy's were annoying and they betrayed you. It aggravating how good this feels despite his anger at the writhing man beneath him.

Trying to distract himself and make Dean settle down, he rears back and backhands Dean hard enough to stun him.

Through the screen of red, Dean feels the sharp blow along with the sudden twitch in his dick which he also just realized was pressed against another dude's. Cas' to be specific. Dean's eyes shoot up to find Cas looking surprised, pissed, and definitely worked up.

Breathing out deeply through his nose again, Castiel keeps his lips pinched together tight. After a handful of seconds, he makes himself let go of where he had been holding Dean's arms.

"I'll stop you, Dean. When you need it." 

That's all he got before the angel took a powder and his weight disappears from above him. Dean's left on his back staring up at the lightening sky and not entirely sure what the fuck just happened.


	2. Pressing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean can't get the feeling out of his head.

With the early morning sun beating at the back of his neck, Dean finds his way back to him and Sam's little slice of paradise about a quarter past eight. Sam jerks open the door before he even reaches for the knob. 

"Where the hell were you?" He sounds like a worried soccer mom. 

Dean brushes past him and keeps his head down. "Nowhere. Just clearing my head."

Shutting the door none too gently behind him, Sam calls to his back, "And you wanna tell me why you have a busted lip?"

Dean sighs tiredly and turns around, just barely resisting reaching up to touch it. Why do they have to do this now? Or even at all. He clinches his jaw and works at sounding easy going. "Went to a nearby bar. Played some pool and got into a disagreement with some asshole over who the winner was. That's it." Simple. Done. He almost makes it across the room.

"Yeah?" Sam seems exasperated, like maybe he was trying not to yell. "Without your wallet?" 

Damn.

"Look, Sammy, I'm beat. What do ya want from me?"

"How about the truth? I wanna know what's up with you lately!" 

Poor Sam. If he knew what Dean thought about.. fantasized about. At night when he actually did manage to snag a few hours, it was almost always the same. He dreamed of shadows in a never-ending forest. Gray skies and red eyes. The whipping sound of blades striking downward, thudding into their mark. Cries and screams, spurting blood and squishing viscera and-

"Well?!" Sam is staring at him expectantly and it hurts to meet his eyes. So he doesn't.

Dean just shoves his hands in his pockets and stays stubbornly silent until Sam gives in with a sigh. "I just want to know you're okay, Dean."

"M' fine." Turning away, he grabs up his duffel bag on the way to the bathroom without even breaking stride.

 

After plonking it down on the ugly linoleum floor, he moves to stand in front of the mirror. Bracing his hands on the sink, he dips his head and rolls his shoulders, trying to relieve some of the aches and tightness in his back. Shit, he was tired. Always tired but never really able to sleep. One Hell or another was always waiting behind his eye lids. He glances up at the mirror. Sure enough, Cas split his lip. He watches his own tongue dart out over the wound and winces at the small pain. Stupidly, he feels a momentary interest in his jeans. It's something other than emptiness and the craving for the kill.

He huffs and turns on the faucet to splash cold water on his face. Everything's mixed up in his head. It's been so long since he's wanted anything to do with what's below his belt. God, he's fucked up. And Cas is fucked up. What even happened? He's staring at his wet hands. The anger pulled back.. just for a second... When Cas hit him. 

Dean reaches over and starts the shower. He doesn't know if Sam noticed the dirt and grass stains he got all over his clothes from rolling around on the ground. He strips and gets under the weak spray of water. Sucky motel water pressure. Awesome.

Giving the warm water time to loosen his muscles up he leans his head against the wall. After a few seconds of staring at the blue tiles and not really seeing them, he bites on his slightly swollen bottom lip. 

Pain shivers out from it and fuck yeah- there it is. Dean's breathing picks up. He shuts his eyes and lets the fight replay. 

Cas pushing him onto the ground. No _shoving_ him onto the ground. Holding him down, his weight seeming a lot more for a guy smaller than Dean. Maybe he used his wings to help him keep steady when Dean had been trying his damnedest to surge upwards. After getting a sudden mental picture of that, Cas pinning him down with huge wings above his back, Dean swallows down a groan, low and deep in the back of his throat while working one hand down his stiff length in quick brutal strokes, the other splayed on the slick surface in front of him. His feet widen apart a little.

He'd never admit it out loud but you can't really lie to yourself... When Cas goes all BAMF Angel of the Lord.. it kinda gets him hard. Not always and he can usually talk himself down with self-loathing comments and mental images of old ladies in bikinis. It'd never come so far as him using Cas as spankbank material and somewhere, far away in the back of his head, he knows he won't be able to look at himself in the mirror for a while after this, let alone Cas... But right now that don't mean shit.

Blindly chasing after that feeling from only a few hours ago, he turns his head so his cheek is pressed hard against the shower wall and pretends it's Cas' phantom hand forcing his neck forward from behind him to hold him still.

"Fuck!" Dean breathes, squeezing his eyes shut even tighter as the hand roughly jerking his cock picks up speed. There's no finesse, just him fucking his own fist and pressing his whole upper body as close to the tile as possible.

Cas glaring down at him with those goddamn blue marbles of his. Close. Christ, already so close. Almost fucking there. 

He finally lets the thought he's been saving pop up front and center. 

Cas above him, locking his jaw and reeling back to smack him across the face so hard he sees stars burst behind his eyelids. 

Dean bites down on his lip till he tastes fresh blood and cries out harshly. His toes curl and cum mixes with the water down the drain. 

Panting, Dean let's his eyes slowly open and sluggishly moves off the wall. The waters already cold though hell if he had noticed it until just that second. Switching it off, he grabs the scratch towel and just holds it over his face, leaning back against the frigid tile and blowing out a heavy breath. 

Shit, he's so broken.


	3. Slicing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something has to give..

At breakfast, Sam keeps glancing sideways at his brother with puppy dog eyes full of concern. Dean ignores it like he's doing most things that bother him at the moment and goes with the "don't talk about it and it'll go away" approach to handling the pilling up crap in his life. Thankfully when Sam finally does clear his throat and speak it's about a case. "So Garth thinks the vamp we were tracking might have set up shop a few towns over, maybe 2 hours away. The intel could still be good."

Dean perks up from staring at his eggs for that. "Yeah?" He tries to sound interested rather than eager. 

"Girls have been going missing for the last year, ages 15-18."

"Likes 'em young, huh? Think it's a Nest?" He focuses on regulating his breathing but his blood is flowing faster. He can almost hear it rushing in his ears at the thought of letting loose for the first time since being back topside. Purgatory always seems like a dirty bestial realm somewhere below them. He still envisions it like a child with it wedged between here and Hell. Hell as a pit at the bottom. Heaven on top. 

"Too few and far between." What? Oh yeah the girls. Sam starts lists details he's bringing up on his laptop but Dean tunes out most of it as background noise. He doesn't need all that. Point him in the direction of the vamp and he'd do the rest. He **loved** fighting bloodsuckers. Ever since he almost - well technically _was_ \- turned by one, it feels extra good to slice them open. Funny, he realizes he doesn't really think of Benny as one. There must still be enough of him left to not think of his friend as interchangeable with the next monster he is so freaking ready to go after. He let himself get a little lost in a memory of shoving his makeshift blade up through a helpful vamps jaw and startles when he hears a waitress drop some plates behind the counter. Typically, some asshole claps. 

Dean was glad to take inventory and find that he wasn't getting an inappropriate boner, even if he glazed over for a second there. At least he wasn't so fucked up yet to get off on his gory daydreams but what the hell was that with Cas then? He kinda just wrote it off as part of this silent descent towards the dark side. He isn't even in a good enough mood to make a Star Wars joke.

Absently, Dean worried his lip a little without consciously thinking about it, abruptly having to cover the weird noise he makes with a cough.

Sam looks up with lifted eyebrows but Dean just smirks. "So! Let's go stake us a Cullen already."

+++ +++ +++ +++ 

 

The vampire knocks him backwards and he goes sailing over a table to land with a grunt. Dean curls onto his side taking a second to get his bearings just as he sees Sam hit the ground not far from him. His brother doesn't get up but he waits long enough to see his chest moving before he moves again. 

The too pale girl was sniffling and yelling over in the corner non-stop, weakly yanking at the chain around her wrists. He kinda wishes she'd shut up. 

Grabbing his machete, Dean gets to one knee. The vamp, Corey something (Sam would know) licks around his mouth, showing off the rows of points. The hunter slowly circles him as he thinks of what a stupid name he has for a vampire. Hi, I'm Corey the Vampire. My daughter was drained by Corey the Vampire. Dean snorts and taunts him with a hand gesture. 

"Come on buddy, I'm super tasty."

Too impatient, it darts forward. Dean lets it get almost too close before grabbing it's shirt and using it's forward momentum to throw it against the wall just behind him. He follows it with the machete, shoving it in under the rib cage till it buries in the wood behind him.

The vampire chokes and sucks helplessly at the air like he can't take a breath. He most likely can't. One of his lungs is probably sliced in two. Corey the Vampire was about to be sliced and diced by Dean the Hunter.. Dean the killer. 

Dean cocks his head and watches it struggle from a few feet away. He hadn't heard Sam get up yet.

"What are you worried about? You guys don't have to breathe, right? You're dead already. You don't need that lung, man." His hand twists the machete slowly back and forth, widening the hole. "Relaaaxx..."

The vamp makes an ugly wounded screech but can't do anything more than scratch at his arms futilely. The tops of his hands burn where it's nails got him, trying to get him to stop but it only fuels that part of him that's enjoying it's squirming. They both know he ain't going anywhere. Not until Dean's done with him. _It_. Until he's done with it. Until then it's stuck like a bug on a pin.

Dean shifts his hold to saw the sharp edge upward through flesh and gets a bit entranced by the dark blood that oozes out. Not too much. It's not spurting like it would if it'd been pumping through veins like it was supposed to. It drips over his thumb, dripping onto the floor. Tap. Tap. The vamp was growling and mewling and he can still hear that damn tap tap like it's important. The blood creeps sluggishly forward to his wrist, kinda like thick sap dripping down bark.

tap

It snaps it's jaws in useless violence. Flicking his eyes up, Dean smiles and feels the wrongness of it on his face. It's all becoming too easy. The thing in front of him was just a corpse that wasn't buried yet. Victim-less crime. 

tap

Taking a step back to admire his work, he thinks about all the extra pieces he could take off before he goes for the-

WHACK!

The head of Corey, the undead shit, slides off it's shoulders to roll towards Dean's boots. 

The quiet delight that had been mounting and filling him up moments ago with awful ideas drains away to leave an unholy rage. He slowly turns to see Sam was not only awake but staring at him in confused disbelief. 

"Dean?"

A red wave of anger bursts inside him. Whatever dam he had rectified to hold it back just crumbled completely. Or more like exploded. The hunger is going to consume him. Consume both of them. Destroy everything within a 60 miles radius like some sort of nuclear bomb. It had been way too long. To have it dangled in front of him only for it to be quickly, cruelly, yanked away. Stolen away. Cheated. Unfulfilled. Nothing will ever be able to fill the mawing black void opening inside him.

"Dean, what the-" 

Sam is suddenly on the warehouse floor and Dean's not sure how he got there. The hairs on the back of his neck stand on end and he's circling Sam. It vaguely reminds him of circling the vamp but he's dead now. Dead dead. No more fun to be had there.

His brother keeps him in his sights. "What the hell is wrong with you?" 

Dean tries slow down - to think through the pulsing in his temples. Stop. Stop. Sam. It's Sam. SAM. He wishes for a second he could warn Sam. He doesn't even know to be afraid yet. Not like he should be.

God help him, he's raising his right arm. The one with the pointy weapon that will thud into that mop of brown hair of his...

Christ, no- please no!

There's no warning except a split second gust that swirls debris nearby and he's being dragged off his feet by a tug on his jacket's collar. 

By the time Dean's up again, Sam and the whimpering blonde have disappeared, her empty manacles bouncing on their chains. He screams and it echoes ridiculously loud in the vacant space. It gives him a moment of respite from the hunger but it returns to claw at his insides too soon. It's a wave crashing into him.. through him.

Grabbing a knocked over wooden chair, he hurls it at the wall just to watch it splinter. Then picks up the broken bits to crack over his knee and throws those. Dean's destroyed the remaining two chairs and small table when he hears the voice he was waiting for.

"Is that helping?

Dean doesn't turn around but inhales sharply through his nose. Squeezing his eyes shut, he leans down with hands on his knees to regain his breath.

"No."

By the sound of his voice, he puts Cas at about five feet away. Dean forces his body to not shift any closer to the irritating angel who's just patiently standing there. He tries to tell himself it's to resist going after his friend but somewhere darker in his mind he knows he just doesn't want to give away a tell before he makes his move.

"Sam?"

"He's at a nearby hospital getting medical attention for the vampire's victim."

Dean glances to his left to see Cas just standing there patiently. "You didn't wanna just presto her healthy? Some angel you are." Snorting to himself, he catches sight of his blood covered hand and flips it over to examine the way the blood had congealed and clung to the creases in his palm.

"I had to ensure Sam would be preoccupied for a while. We needed time alone."

"Yeah?" He mutters, watching the blood squish between his fingers when he closed his fist. "Alone for what?"

Cas shifting pulls his attention back. Dean sees him making a show of putting his hands in the trench-coat's pockets and looking away in the general direction of the vacated chains. He almost looks fucking coy. The bastard. 

Focus. There's nothing left to break and the blood on his hands is getting less interesting by the second. He needs to give it one last try. Maybe Cas will listen... or he'll be distracted. Either way something has to give. He's crawling out of his skin.

"I fucked up, Cas. Look around." He gestures to the wrecked warehouse and finally to the headless vamp still stuck to the wall where he left him. "This look like I'm okay to you? You gotta do it. Now."

For all that, he just blinks at him.

"Cas, please! Put me down. I can- I can feel it taking over everything. I'm gonna kill someone. This is it for me, alright?! Fucking do it!"

Cas just looks at him calmly and Dean wants to tear into him. His fingers shake at his sides with the need to scratch and bleed and rip.

The angel turns away again to admire the fucking scenery for all Dean knows and he can't help it. He rushes him. Too eager. Too late to stop.

The fist connects nicely. His last thought before blacking out is he wishes he'd said goodbye to Sammy. 

+++ +++ +++ +++ 

Dean comes to with the mother of all headaches. His vision is blurry and when he tries to bring his hands up to rub his eyes.. his arms are too heavy. Both wrists are wrapped in the manacles from the wall. He's chained to a goddamn wall.

"You're awake."

Cas is sitting against the same wall a few feet away to his left. His hands are resting on his bent knees, legs together. 

Dean runs at him but is stopped about a foot away. Cas didn't flinch. Didn't even turn to look towards him. 

After a few half-hearted tugs on his restraints, he asks, "What's the plan, Cas? Leave me chained up here like the dirty little family secret? You can't 'Flowers in the Attic' me."

"I don't know what that is but I don't intend on leaving you here indefinitely."

"Then let me loose!!" Every word is almost a growl. He's chomping at the bit. If he could just trick Cas into getting a little closer..

"We need to work on your problem, Dean."

Dean laughs harshly. "There ain't no fixin' this, man. You can't touch it with two fingers and heal it."

Cas gets to his feet but moves no closer. "I'm not going to let you give in and I'm not killing you. Stop asking."

Dean feels blood trickling over his reopened lip wound and tongues it absently. He's soothed enough to answer. "Well those are the only two roads outta here for me, baby." He paces, unable to stay still. Watching him, Cas' eyebrows knit together briefly and he steps within range. Dean immediately tenses to charge him but is distracted when the angel reaches up to drag the pad of his thumb over the tiny gash. Cas' flicks his calculating gaze from his mouth to meet his eyes and back down again.

Swallowing the extra saliva pooling in his mouth, Dean shuts his eyes tight when he feels his heart start to race. It's a scary, exciting sensation that pushes pause on rage he'd has stored up. Just as his tongue darts out to graze over Cas' thumb, it moves away.

"Maybe not." 

He hears the tell-tale flutter and knows without looking he's alone again.


	4. Binding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Helpless, he can only wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok kiddos.. We are going to start delving into lovely BDSM-tastic waters. Obviously, please research thoroughly and learn all the goodies you need to play responsibly (safe-words, etc.) for your safety and others. Without further ado..

Dean watches the sun go down through high up dingy windows. Is Cas going to leave him here to rot? No matter what the angel told Sam when he flew him and the girl to safety on Angelic Airways, Dean knows his brother. He's not gonna sit on his hands forever. He'll eventually come back and he's really doesn't want go through another Winchester tear-fest as he tries to convince him to take him out. Sam won't be strong enough. Wow, if dad could see him now.

After a long second, Dean viciously shakes his head. Not going down that road. Where the fuck is Cas?! 

He starts to pace as far as he can to pass the time by imagining scenarios where he had caught hold of Cas earlier. He would have made him feel very human. Dean hears his deep pleas, almost too real.

Castiel returns to find Dean red in the face with a foot up on the block wall trying to pull one of his heavy chains free. How strong did that bloodsucker think a teenage girl was? Jesus. 

"You're not going to get out that way."

Dean drops the chain to lunge at the sound, blindly, until he's stopped abruptly. He arches his whole body and is still a damn foot away again from the blank-faced celestial being.

"Have you injured yourself while I was gone?" is the only stony response to all the aggression coming off Dean in waves.

He ignores the question and smirks instead. "Kill me, Cas."

Castiel lets out an irritated sigh but before the angel can deny him again he adds, "Because I get free, I'm gonna hurt you so good."

Cas raises his eyebrows briefly and frowns.

Dean isn't breaking eye contact and lunges just to feel the strain on his arms. 

"I can actually feel your neck under m' fingers, Cas. I'd squeeze until you almost pass out- till ya get reeeal close. Then we'd have some fun. See, all those ugly things He taught me in Hell.." He can't say Alastair's name out loud without feeling weak and he really doesn't want to hear his own voice quiver right now. Not when he's getting a steady influx of savage thoughts that are drowning out any humanity he's got left. "..the ones _you_ asked me to use up here? Well, it's all still in me, buddy. Waiting. Wanna see, Cas?" 

All the confusion and frustration and pain are floating away. He'll take Cas apart if he gives him half a chance and that'd be sad but he's having trouble remembering why.

The angel sighs through his nose and gives him the "I'm-about-to-smite-something" stare.

Dean lets his own eyes roll back as he imagines licking blood off Cas' stubble-rough cheek from one of a hundred shallow cuts he'd have from "playing" with him. "You scream so goddamn pretty in my head, Cas."

He's snapped out of his fantasy when a right fist smashes into his jaw. And fuck if he doesn't moan softly at the ceiling beams once he can lift his head again. The redness, that had been sweeping through his mind like a cancer, recedes. 

Dean tilts his head to the side to gruffly ask, "This how it gonna be? Beat me when I'm a bad dog?" He spits blood to the side. "You can't make this right, Cas."

Castiel presses his lips, looking resolute. "I see inside you, Dean. You need this." He glances down for a heartbeat. When Cas meets his eyes again, he's completely confident. "You need me and I can be this for you."

Dean growls like a beast and is backhanded. He drops to his knees with the force of it, sagging in his chains. He focuses on the floor, willing his dick limp but failing by far. 

"This how angels get off, Cas?"

He doesn't answer and seems happy to stand there. What the hell is he doing? This ain't a fight, just him getting knocked around. Dean feels a little more himself, just enough to try and think smarter. Go for his enemies weak spot. Cas' weak spot. What the hell. 

Dean makes eye contact from his knees, his smile turning predatory. "You think I don't see how you watch me, huh? Alllways too close. You even know what to do with all those dirty urges, Cas?"

That finally gets a reaction. Those blue eyes are wide as he shifts his weight in place.

"When you feel your dick get hard, do you jack it thinkin' about me?"

"Dean, stop it."

Purposely staying on his knees, he lewdly licks his bloodied lip, rolling it inside his mouth. "What's wrong, Cas? Thought you were having fun.." he trails off and sneers at the glare. He glances down pointedly at his crotch then slowly makes his way back up. "Or maybe you're working up to shoving your cock in my-"

And he's back on ground, Cas all flush and irritated above him. Dean's vision swims even as he's sure he's leaking pre-cum in his boxers. If he was in his right mind he might be a little worried but as it was all he wants is Cas closer. He's not entirely sure what he's going to do with him when he gets him there but that'll probably work itself out as soon as he gets his hands on him. He slumps to the side, having to brace his hand on the floor to keep from tipping over. Angels pack one helluva wallop. Not to mention pissed angels. Head spinning, he grits his teeth in determination. He will _not_ pass out from being slapped around a bit.

"No? Rather be the one to give me a holy tongue-bath, huh?" He roughly laughs. "It'd almost be like you were anointing my dick or somethin'."

He'd nearly been to his knees again when Castiel kicked the middle of his chest to send him slamming all the way backwards to the wall. He lays sprawled out and before he can make his limbs move, he stops. The wall. There was slack in the chains now. 

Dean concentrates on making his body seem boneless and stilling his muscles. He even makes his jaw go slack. All the malevolent cravings were swirling just below the surface but he whispers to them softly. Just behave. Wait. Soon. 

There was silence settling around him. He worries he might bite his own tongue off soon just to see some blood. Fresh blood. The stuff on his hands is dry and old. Rust colored. Slow your breathing. Quiet. Still. Wait. Soon.

Slow shuffles of scuffed dress shoes.

Stay. 

The brush of a tan trench coat.

Stay.

The twitch of feathers shifting.

STAY.

As soon as he feels the air compress with movement above him, he snatches upwards. He has a hold of Cas' lapels and tangles their legs together to bring him down.

Dean slams him towards the floor a few times, trying to disorientate him but his arms are slow with the extra weight of his heavy iron bracelets. He only gets one good clock above his ear before Cas grabs him. 

After a good minute or so of fighting with everything he's got, they still end up with Dean on his stomach down on the ground. Cas has the excess chain wrapped tightly around both his wrists, forcing them together facing outwards. They were just high enough on his back to feel almost claustrophobic. Confined and unable to move an inch without a lot of discomfort.

Dean's erection was rubbing underneath him through his layer of clothing and made him feel even more trapped. A constant pressure on the thickness as he fought his binds. He couldn't see or feel Cas anywhere behind him.

After several minutes of not being attacked, he lets his straining neck rest, dropping his forehead on the dirty ground. His labored puffs of breath kick up dust around his face making him cough once. It's quiet except for the roaring in his ears but he didn't hear wings at any point. Cas was still here. He had to still be here. If he left him like this, he might die. Everything in Dean was hard. The redness had been festering.. most certainly about to make him crazed, but it was pushed out of the way for the moment. It was like he only had room for so much intensity at once. The anger was distracted by his taut body. Everything was narrowing to him here on this dirty fucking floor, helpless and just waiting for Cas to make the next call. It thrilled and terrified him to not have any power. It wasn't a feeling he liked really but it was definitely intense.

He feels a knee in the middle of his back, Cas' weight presses him down and all his air blows out suddenly. Fingertips rest on the nape of his neck.

"Dean."

The fingers travel up through his short hair until they can find purchase in longer length. They tighten to pull his head back sharply and a little to the side. He's forced to crane his neck and make eye contact out of the corner of his eye.

"Listen to me carefully, Dean."

Eyes wide, he swallows so he doesn't make some ridiculous whiny sound at the command in his voice. It's there deep in his throat so he just grunts instead.

"Are you listening?" The hand uses his hair like a handle to pull his head back just a fraction more. It hurts like a bitch. His hair was so short that tiny sparks of pain burst along his scalp and his breathing picks up to the point he might pass out. Or cum.

"Yeah." He gets out harshly with a wince at another tug.

"I. Am. Stronger. You are not going anywhere until I want you to."

Everything is mounting.. like with his blood lust but this was so goddamn better. Different. Sweeter. Less crazed. He's shivering on the edge and not sure what to do. But then he has nothing to do. He can only wait for Cas to decide what he wants to do. Dean's eyes roll back at that thought.

Cas' other hand, the one not fisted in his hair, trails down his neck.. his hunched shoulder blades, follows one of his twisted arms to their bound juncture. 

Not seeing Cas was both thrilling and disappointing. He waits for something to happen. Then Cas clasps the looped chains and pulls a tiny bit. This forces Dean to shoot forward along the ground at the sharp twinge of pain. 

It goes straight to his cock. 

He imagines Cas above him as he feels the man -angel- shift to sit on his ass. Cas' breathing hitches when Dean bucks up trying to relieve the pressure. On his arms or dick, he isn't sure. It's too much. He squirms and writhes but there's no going anywhere. Just like how he'd watched that undead shit wiggle for him, here he was doing the same. He had no control. He knows logically, if he's still capable of logic, that he can't get free and struggling is only making it worse but he can't help it. "Fuck you, Cas!! Let me up!" He barks with spittle flying. "No." It's all he says. Everytime Dean yells to be set free, all he gets is an even, "No." Too much. It's confusing, overwhelming. He'd get a shot of pain from Cas' grip on his hair then a pulse of hot bliss in his jeans as he grinds against the floor. His arms would ache at a pull and then... jesus god fuck was that Cas' dick rubbing against his ass? He wasn't sure if he was the only one gasping and grunting now. 

What finally pushes him over that razor edge he'd been balancing for so long was unexpected. After feeling a sublime bolt of pain, the finger's still clasping the chained knot at his wrists shift and Cas' thumb drops down to rub his open palm. 

Whether Cas meant it to be soothing, mocking or just to reinforce the control he had over Dean right then, involuntarily he's crying out a deep guttural sound he'd never heard before.

Everything turns to white behind his eyes as his hips pump forward. His head goes fuzzy, eyes slam shut tight and his jaw clenches. The Earth fucking shatters.. and God he might as well be an 15 yr old emo-girl writing bad poetry but he could give two shits right now.

Dean slumps in his chains, eyes barely open. Vaguely, he feels Cas undoing the binds and he falls on his side, laughing tiredly. He can't help it. He imagines it like marshmallow fluff.. smoothed over everything red and jagged. Every tense, violent thought in his head has been masked.. covered.. stashed somewhere far far away to come back again another day. He tries to cut off his quiet chuckles but only succeeds in humming behind his closed lips. He decides he'd wait and have his freak out tomorrow. 

Cas' face takes up all of his vision as he bends down next to Dean, pushing his fingers lightly through his sweaty hair. Where before it had been brutal and unforgiving, this was gentle and reverent. Dean meets his eyes steadily and surprisingly Cas looks uncertain for the first time that night.

"Are you.. okay?"

Dean smiles up at him, open and free of all his many worries.

"Yeah, Cas." He let out one quick laugh because the good feelings were still rolling through his limbs. Even his arms that were starting to ache like a sonofabitch. "I'm really really okay."


	5. Sinking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His insecurities circle him, looking for an opening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: So this might be kinda an Angst-Fest. Stay with me guys. I'm almost done with the next chapter and it'll be out very soon.

Dean eventually came down from Cloud 9 and fell back to reality with a thud. What the fuck had they just done?

Cas was busy looking at his torn knuckles like he'd never seen them before. When he hears Dean shift up on his elbows, he inhales and seems to pull out of wherever he'd gone. Dean watches as all the bloody scrapes on the angel heal over instantly. He averts his eyes quickly when he notices Cas' still tented pants.

Shit, what was he doing? A freaking angel had just gotten him off and beat him half unconscious. Not in that order.

Castiel reaches towards him with a slightly shaky hand to heal Dean too. Before he can, Dean forces out a soft, "Don't." The fingers paused mid-air. He can't get out more than that. Can't ask for what he wants.. needs. 

Evaluating him a moment, Cas maintains eye contact as he continues forward and touches Dean's temple with two fingers, lingering a few seconds before dropping them. Dean watches the worst gashes knit closed and stop bleeding. The shallow surface cuts remain and pockets of soreness tell him he'll have bruises tomorrow. Evidence. Proof of.. what? His fucked up new kink? 

This freaked him out a lot. Hell, the whole last few hours freaked him out a lot but at least it had made him feel alive for a while without wanting to make everyone else dead. That was something, huh?

He sighs, looking down at the floor and not knowing how to act now that he was in his right mind. They'd just jumped into this weird no man's land and he had no idea what to say to his friend.

"Cas, uh.. we, I mean, I... " Awkwardness and tension were coming off him in waves so thick he could almost choke on it. Was choking on it.

"Sam has most likely returned to your motel room by now. I'll take you there now."

Thank-freaking-God. He was giving him an out and hell yes he was gonna take it. Some time apart would be good for both of them. Maybe a lot of time apart. How was he ever going to look Cas in the eye again? 

"Yeah, okay... thanks." He didn't even know what he was thanking him for exactly. 

It's hard not to flinch away when Cas reaches out to grip his bicep but he manages and within a three count, he was in front of an anonymous brown door.. same one he'd seen in a thousand different motel shit holes all his life.

He starts to mumble something but when he turns around, Cas wasn't there. He takes a moment to do a self-conscious once over and thankfully the old angelic touch had his pants back to rights as well. That would have been all kinds of embarrassing to explain away. But then Sam was probably more worried about the fact that he'd been about to kill him last time they were together rather than his stained pants though.

Dean stares at the tarnished plaque. Room 12. An ant crawls across the entire width of the door and he watches. Then he counts all the splinters and pot-marks in the weathered door frame. Shit, what was he doing? Would Sam be able to somehow sense this new weird fucked up thing about him. This thing that he'd managed to pull Cas down into as well. He presses his forehead to the door.

And Cas..

The door swings open and he stumbles in, almost face-planting. 

"Dean?!" 

Sam catches his shoulder to right him. Crap, what was he going to say? Sorry I almost killed you? How long were you watching me play with that vamp? I blew my load in my jeans after Cas beat the shit outta me?

It turned out he didn't have to say anything. Sam pulled him into a fierce hug and if Dean shed a few tears.. no one saw.

Dean was so emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted that after a quick rinse off, Sam let him just pass out. The questions would come tomorrow.

+++ +++ +++ +++ 

When Dean wakes up the next morning, he feels better than he has in a long time. More like himself. He was even singing along to the AC/DC song on the alarm clock radio. When he stretches, twisting a little to take inventory of all the hidden bruises, he catches sight of a scrape on top of his hand. After a few seconds of staring, Sam yawns, barely awake and asks, "You okay?" 

Dean grins. "Hungry?"

After they dress and head out for breakfast, Sam starts in. Chalk it up to his post-beating afterglow(is this really his life?) but he gives him much more than he was intending about his vacation to monster-land, though he does coast over the more gory bits. Sam doesn't need to know how bad it got, how bad it still gets now that he's back, but he obviously had a problem. Nothing he couldn't fix but Sam worrying about it sure as shit wouldn't help. As they were getting menus, he finished up with, "Yeah so I'm, uh, having some issues and Cas is just helping me work through them."

Sam frowns at him waiting for more but Dean was done.

"What like PTSD or something?"

"Yeah, kinda. Sure." Dean eyes the menu eagerly. He's never wanted breakfast more and that's saying something.

"Well how is he, I mean.. what are you.." Sam trails off, lost.

Dean doesn't look up from the menu.

"Is he teaching you like meditation, or..?

"Yeah, somethin' like that. Look don't worry about it. It helped. I'm better. Let's order."

Sam is about to press him but the waitress comes up. Dean gives his order with his most charming smile and thanks her by the name on her uniform. He can tell Sam wants to needle him more until he gets all the gory details so Dean asks about their next destination.

Sam gets the hint and lets the subject drop. For now.

+++ +++ +++ +++ 

 

The Impala rumbles down the highway back towards their motel. His thoughts roam while Sam falls back asleep. 

What's he going to do? He has to talk to Cas. All the violence and..sex keeps getting tangled up together like his wiring is crossed. This isn't him. He remembered seeing a leather suit and ball gag combo on a mannequin once at a seedy adult store and thinking it was ridiculous. Weird. Wrong. Is this that same thing? Is he becoming some leather fetish freak? Leather jackets don't count, dammit. Insecurities circled his mind like vultures, taking jabs at the good feeling he'd been riding. 

Was it his 40 years in the pit under Alastair that bent him this way. Was he forcing Cas into this fucked up thing with him? He got a flash of the world Zachariah shot him to and future Cas. Smiling so big but it was all wrong. And even though his eyes were bright, they were dead. Did his other hardened self lead the fallen angel down that path too? Maybe Cas was just destined to follow, no matter how Dean sunk into the shit. 

Cas with his misplaced loyalty that how the fucked had he earned? He used to think of him as a stray. A lost puppy.. that could smite the eyes straight outta your sockets but still. He gets a brief memory of his hair being gripped hard and his dick twitches unexpectedly. He's glad the radios on and he can zone out.

He won't call Cas again. He can't fuck him up like he fucks up everything- _everyone_ \- that gets too close. He won't taint him. The guilt of all those he's lost and failed and screwed is pushing to the surface to overwhelm him. The Rolodex of regret starts spinning and he sees Jo's sweet face turned bloody. Ellen defeated but determined. Ash. Pamela. Bobby- 

Driving with one hand, Dean turns his forearm so he can glance at a yellowing bruise. He pushes down over it with firm fingers until he gets a flash of when Cas grabbed him there to twist it behind his back. He breathes out shallowly and the self-loathing, creeping darker thoughts dissipate, unable to get a foothold.

And shit, if that isn't a sign he's in trouble then he doesn't know what is.

+++ +++ +++ +++ 

Okay so he'll call him once more.. to tell him why he.. well he owes him an explanation. Cas is his friend and maybe they can pretend this didn't happen eventually. One Day. 

He gruffly calls over his shoulder to Sam that he was going out to settle up with the motel clerk and to start packing up to get back on the road. Walking out a ways to the wooded area behind the place, Dean sighs and starts silently praying. He was dreading this but determined to get it over with quickly and with as little awkwardness as possible.

"Hello, Dean."

Even with his back turned, his pulse picks up just from that familiar greeting. Yep, not going to be awkward at all.

"Hey, Cas."

Dean turns around and then kinda forgets what the hell he meant to say. Alls he can remember for a minute is what it felt like to be face down, pinned to a hard dirty floor until his good buddy here decided to let him up. And that just happened to be right after he'd... yeah, not going there anymore.

He has no idea what Cas is thinking, but they stare at each other for probably an inappropriate amount of time before Dean clears his throat. "Uh. Look, Cas. So I wanted to thank you for.. you know.. "helping" me before.." 

Cas nods with a small smile.

"But we can't.. um.. I'm not.." He trails off. How'd he even describe what they'd done? You can't rough me up because apparently I get all hot for it? That sounds stupid but what's a better way to say it? He'd had this planned out, dammit. "I'm not cool with-"

"I understand, Dean." Cas was now blank-faced, looking just past him.

"It's not that you're not.." What was he doing? What was he even saying? "You know you're like family to me and all but you're a dude..." Shut up, abort mission. "And uh, what happened, well it just ain't-"

"I said I understand."

Dean finally manages to shut his mouth and shoves his hands in his pockets. 

After a tense moment of cold silence, Cas adds, "What are you planning to do when you lose control again?" 

Not if. When.

"I'll handle it." He'd cut himself if he had to. Pain seemed to keep it at bay and he could manage that. He didn't need all the weird.. kinda hot.. control game him and Cas seemed to be playing before. Playing. Like it had been a game or something. It hadn't felt like a game. Jesus, he needed to get outta here before it got any weirder.

Cas nods again stiffly at the ground. Dean grimaces slightly watching him then averts his eyes to his boots instead. He wants to apologize for dragging him to his level of screwed up. Cas who called a whorehouse a "Den of Iniquity." Jesus. What's he have to be thinking of what they did?

"Cas, I just don't wanna hurt you, man." 

But of course, he's already gone.


	6. Panting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He opens his eyes and he's ready to take out the first thing that moves..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks for all my lovely comments and kudos. I endeavor to please.

Castiel doesn't show up and Dean doesn't pray to him. Sam asks a few times they'd been meeting up for his "Anger Management" but he's vague enough that Sam eventually gets the hint that it's a sore subject. After that it's only worried puppy-eyes when he thinks Dean's not looking.

He found himself looking over his shoulder more than he'd like to admit.. listening for the rustle of feathers. They get a few more cases under their belts and Dean's even able to take out a Ghoul without having a weird berserk episode. What's he need an angel keeping him in check for? Nothing. He's got this. Even if it sucks to keep Cas away for a while, it'll be better in the long wrong. For both of them. Distance was good. It would fix everything.

Almost three and a half weeks later and they're pulling into another random motel. Sheets stiff. Air conditioner touchy. Ugly motel art of a parrot in some jungle.

The evidence of his and Cas'... whatever you'd call what they'd done.. were all gone but not forgotten. He watched them go from fresh red to purple to yellow then fade. He'd grown oddly attached to them and now stupidly mourned their loss. He'd never missed a freaking bruise in his life and damn he had more than his share, more than three peoples share and yet here he was sulking because when he takes off his jacket, his arms were clean again. He'd looked like a goddamn junkie or something so what the hell was wrong with him? Whatever the reason, now that they'd gone, everything seemed a little harder.

When he felt himself getting pent up, lately, he tried to head it off by pinching his inner arm right where Cas had left one of many reminders. When that stopped working, he started cutting. It never felt anywhere close to the same and only distracted him briefly but it sometimes helped. He sliced deep as he dared into his flesh but it left him feeling more empty.

With Sam snoring softly across the room, Dean folds his hands under his head and stares up at another popcorn ceiling of another shitty motel. Lately he began to let his mind hover over bits he'd pushed down from that night. Tonight the angry growling in his head is dulled to white noise and again his thoughts wander to Cas' hands dragging down his neck. His.. well "him" pressed into his ass. His thumb rubbing circles in Dean's palm. A gentle contrast to the unyielding control. 

With a little help from the bottle of Jack in his duffel, Dean eventually falls into a fitful sleep.

*** *** *** *** 

He was screaming up at a gray sky. It was all he could do. Angry, scared, cornered. Trees thick overhead. There had been four but two was still enough. Two of them left to catch him when he was still alone. No Benny. No Cas. Alone. Him and the monsters. No matter how many he took out, there was always another waiting just up ahead. 

Each held an arm while they forced him against a tree. Bark dug into his back through the leather. Neither could hold him down without the other. They struggled to keep him captive and reach for their weapons. If he stopped fighting and gave into the exhaustion for a second, that'd be it. Something sharp and crude would be hacking him up. They'd probably start to eat him before he was cold and fuck if that wasn't the worst way he could imagine going.

He was so tired.

Tensing his numb muscles for one last hoorah, he pulled his left arm towards his body. The shorter one was still attached to it and scrambled to reach for its blade but Dean dove forward to latch onto it's cheek with his blunt teeth. He kept biting down until his teeth clicked together and he ripped back to spit out the hunk of meat. The one on his right was raising back it's arm to stab..

His eyes fly open and he scrambles under his pillow for his gun. The dark confuses him for a minute but he's ready to take out the first thing that moves. 

Sudden weight landing on top of him forces him back down on the mattress. He wasn't able to grab his weapon before his wrist was pinned. A firm hand covers his mouth, blocking the hysterical, outraged scream that was working its way out of his throat.

"Dean!" He hears from right above him. Quiet but forceful. This was Cas above him. Cas? Right... Cas. Fighting to keep him sane. Fuck, of course it was.

He still tastes blood in his mouth from that creature and almost gags. 

"Breathe."

His eyes finally focus on the steady blue ones. He tenses and tries to swallow back down the crazy enough to nod. It's lucky Cas wears so many layers or he'd have deep bloody ruts in his arms where his fingers had been scratching wildly.

Cas watches his face for a few seconds before he moves his hand away from his mouth. 

Dean follows his gaze as he turns to the other bed about ten feet away. Sam is still dead to the world, facing the door. What seemed too loud and jarring to be contained had in actuality been stifled before it could become explosive. Cas reining in his insanity. Again.

"Are you alright?" he asks quietly from about an inch above his face. He hasn't let go of the wrist that is nearest the gun.

Dean resists the reflex to shove Cas off him. "M'fine," he heaves.

Cas tilts his head skeptically. "You were not 'fine' thirty seconds ago."

If Dean's honest, he's pretty fucking far from fine. The fat vein in his neck is pulsing and he has to fist his free hand in the blanket underneath him to keep still. The dream, that place, the motel all blur together for a minute and he struggles to pull them apart again. Cas is here. Cas was there. He's... he's in the dark. He's not safe. They can't stay here.

"I'll be..." Christ, he's shivering. Gotta move. "I'll-I'll be-" Can't get enough air.

"Dean. Be quiet," Cas orders calmly.

He immediately shuts his eyes at the command in his deep voice, grasping at it weakly. Shifting above him, Cas grabs both his wrists now and presses Dean more firmly down under his body. He balls his fists but doesn't resist.

"Listen to me." 

He's gasping, feeling a little like a fish out of water or something. All he can seem to pull in are too quick shallow lungfuls as his hand unconsciously still flexes with the desire to snatch up his mis-placed blade. Or gun. Anything. 

"You're not in Purgatory. Sam is asleep next to you."

Latching onto the rough voice as a lifeline, words start to penetrate. Sam. That meant motel. They were in the motel. Turning his head, he quickly checks that Sam was there, was okay, still hadn't moved. That helps. Dean shuts his eyes again, allowing that feeling of helplessness in to spill over him, giving up control willingly. He waits for Cas to tell him whats what. 

"Another breath, Dean. Slower."

He does, but it's hard to remember to keep breathing without that voice prompting him. Dean tries to jerk his head up so he can see his hand, see how close his weapon is - maybe he can reach. He has have it. Just in case. Has to protect-

"You don't need it. Breathe."

Reluctantly, he does, slumping back down into the mattress. The weight on top of him is strangely comforting instead of terrifying like it should be. This is Cas. Breathe. He breathes again because he's told to. That trench coat he knows so well is cocooning him and Dean focuses on that thought too, trying really hard not to feel like a weak bitch.

"You're safe. Breathe."

The frantic tension finally pulls back slowly and he's pushing out breaths deep and even on his own.

He opens his eyes and Cas is there. He hadn't had time before to notice he had an angel sitting on his thighs when he was practically hyperventilating, but now he is a helluva lot more than aware. They just stay like that a moment. Eyes locked. Faces not nearly far enough apart for his liking and suddenly his chest is tight for some other reason. 

The hands on his wrists tighten like a spasm. Cas must have felt him hardened up a little in his boxers with them being so close. There's nowhere to look but right at his widened eyes as they turn a little darker. It's too fucking hot all of the sudden. 

Cas hasn't moved and is staring down at him when Dean feels Cas thickening in his own slacks. They both know it. This is probably when Cas will fly off. Dean's back to factory settings and no longer a danger to the public.. but then he sees Cas bite on his own bottom lip. Cas' hips had rocked just a fraction forward and his eyes almost close as they brush together.

Dean's so turned on he could lose it from that image alone. Castiel, mighty soldier and Angel of the Lord - guy who wrote the book on repressed emotional responses and he's worrying his lip, letting his eyes roll back. 

Licking his own suddenly dry lips, Dean can't help bucking upwards into the pressure. He bounces a little into the bed with the force of Cas immediately rolling forward against him in return. Jesus Fuck. Dean grunts hoarsely, trying not to make any more noise but damn it's hard. How's this feeling so amazing? They both still have clothes on.. well kinda. His cock might be outside his thin boxers now with all their rutting. He's not entirely sure. They're so close together. He can barely keep a thought in his head when Cas is rubbing against the line of his body like a goddamn cat. 

When Cas stares down out him with those wide blue eyes, Dean closes his. He doesn't know what to do with that. A second later he feels Cas rest his forehead against his but his grip never loosens. Dean's wrists are pressed down so hard on either side of his head that they're numb. It doesn't trigger his panic like it should. He doesn't feel like he has to fight his way free. For some reason it's... it's a relief. It's right. It's feeding into the good feeling that only spikes when he bends his knee so Cas' dick is perfectly slotted to slide against his. And holy fuck there it is. Cas is suddenly panting against his cheek, it seems more important than the faint sound of the mattress squeaking. Dean clenches his fists, arches up harder. Harder.

"Dean.." Cas moans low in his ear.

"Dean?" The other mattress creaked near the door and Sam calls "What is it?" obviously half awake. 

The weight disappeared before Sam even rolled over. 

He gasps at the ceiling, dazed and frustrated, where his very man-shaped friend had been grinding above him less than a minute ago. He tries not to yell his internal "FUCK!" out loud. Pin needles make his fingers tingle as he flexes them by this head. It still felt like Cas was holding his wrists. Shit. He rubs one wrist with his other hand and clears his throat to force out a reply. "Sorry, Sammy. Just a, uh... a nightmare."

"You alright?" he's asks to his pillow.

"Yeah. Go back to sleep."

Dean gets up to go in the bathroom. He shuts the door and leans against it. His dick is harder than he can ever remember. He imagines if his brother had stayed asleep for another minute, two tops. He's shaking from how close they were both to.. When he cums he's thinking of how Cas had moaned his name so deep right in his ear.

Cas was becoming his fucked up addiction.


	7. Touching

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas is watching him, waiting for him to decide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I love you all too much for it be healthy and have developed one hell of a praise kink.. have another chapter.

Days later and Dean still can't go to sleep without thinking about the last time he'd seen Cas. He kept half-expecting to wake up underneath an angel.

This was stupid. Sam almost caught them. Came damn close to witnessing them come together.

He turns the pillow over in frustration and settled onto his front. 

Dean didn't know if he should try to talk to Cas again or not. His body was all the fuck for it but his body was always making dumbass mistakes. He had the memory of an amazon love-child, and her death, to prove it.

Cas only appeared in his motel room to keep him from losing it. Then it turned all hot and heavy when they got caught up in the moment. Dean wondered why he never popped up when he was cutting to dull the anger. Only when he'd been about to empty his clip into the darkness was he just there.

Nothing had changed, dammit. He still didn't want to ruin his friend, no matter what his cock wanted. 

But shit, Cas had looked so fucking hot with his lips all pink from biting them. His reactions were so honest, you could read everything on his face. He'd expect nothing but the stoic blank face, but his eyes kept clenching shut almost like he was in pain. And at one point he'd been gasping so close to Dean's lips they were practically breathing each others air. His eyes had been shut tight at that point but now he wonders how wrecked Cas had looked by then? What would he look if he actually came? 

Dean was humping slowly into the mattress before he realizes it. 

Shit, this was wrong. He shouldn't be thinking about Cas this way. Who the fuck cares what he looks like? It don't concern him. He needs to get over this crap and stop pulling Cas into it too. Flipping onto his back, Dean resolutely folds his hands under his head. He huffs out a sigh and tries to ignore anything south of the border and all thoughts of pretty boy angels. Cas only showed up when he needed him, so he just wouldn't need him. He'd do better.

Dean's eyes flick over to his duffel with the bottle of Jack at the bottom. At least some things were still easy. 

*** *** *** ***

The next day, after too many hours on the road driving through the bible belt, they finally pull off the highway at a sports bar for dinner. 

"Damn, my ass is numb. I need a beer."

"Hold on, let me grab the laptop. I wanna look up that story in Utah again."

"Uh huh." Dean stretches, wincing slightly and glancing at his bicep as if he can see through his t-shirt to the latest cut. Suddenly irritable that Sam is still digging around in the backseat, he smacks the roof twice with the flat of his hand. "Yo, Sammy, let's go! I'm hungry."

"I'm coming, alright?" When he straightens up, Dean catches something, just over his shoulder. Just a quick glimpse of tan trench-coat going around the corner out behind the place.

A hand waves in front of his face until he realizes Sam is right in front of him. "You in there?"

"Huh?"

"I said you were pissed at me for taking too long and you're here zoning out. You wanna eat or not?" 

He hesitates for a second. looking back at the direction he was just staring at. "I'll uh, I'll meetcha inside. Forgot something."

Sam frowns at him. "You sure you're alright?"

Dean claps him on the back, pushing him towards the sidewalk and walks backwards towards the car again. "Yeah, yeah. Be right there." As soon as Sam walks inside, he shuts the Impala's door. Walking along the red-bricked wall of the place, he turns the corner and almost crashes into a familiar angel. He can feel himself smile sheepishly and looks at the ground to try and wipe it away. Jesus, stop it! 

"Cas, why're you creepin' out here like you're trying to lure little kids into a van?"

"You are no child, Dean," he says solemnly.

Dean rolls his eyes. "Come inside."

Maybe they can just coast over this awkwardness and use Sammy as a buffer. Don't talk about it, it goes away. 

"We need to come to an understanding first."

Or maybe not. Panic instantly starts to creep over him so he tries to sound angry, "Oh we do, huh?"

Cas just waits.

"I can handle it."

"Obviously not."

"Dammit, Cas! You can't just- don't you see how friggin' messed up this is?"

I am.

Cas clenches his jaw, and angrily says, "What if you had attacked your brother?" 

"I wouldn't hurt, Sam!" he growls.

"You already did." 

It was low.. but true. And that hurt worse. Sam had been bleeding on that warehouse floor, about to get a machete buried in his skull before Cas intervened. If he hadn't showed up at the motel and he had been able to reach his gun... shit.

He turns his back to glare at the pavement. He wished like hell he could ignore this and it'd go away, but he had an sliced up arm that was currently throbbing and a memory of his brother looking up at him from that dirty cement floor that told him otherwise. So what were his options? Take himself out. Go after a fight he knew he couldn't win and get something else to do it for him. Disappear- leave Sammy but then that wouldn't stop him from maybe hurting someone else. Or... Cas. 

Dean turns back to see Cas just patiently waiting, letting him work it out. Could they really do this? Cas babysit him whenever he had one of his spazz outs. Not like he had a whole helluva lot of choice unless he just wanted to off himself. What if it started to go all sexy again? It seemed to always get mixed in whether he wanted it to or not. Maybe he could just let Cas subdue him, give him control when he needed reining in but he didn't think he could.. continue like they were last night. What if Sam had rolled over and seen them? Christ, he loses his mind or something when Cas gets close like that. He just needed to tell him how it was so he didn't get the wrong idea.

Dean folds his arms, putting a little more space between them. "Two things. Sammy can't know. He thinks we're off singin' Kum-Ba-Yah and practicing yoga. And just to be clear, I'm still not into dudes."

Cas looks heavenward, exhaling through his nose. He didn't have to point out that Dean was rubbing against his very manly parts the other night with no problem. The silence hangs heavy and he feels a little foolish - like a kid saying he wasn't afraid of the dark when he was quivering.

"You do realize how ridiculous it is to place such importance on gender? Humans have used labels as an excuse to kill each other since their beginning."

The parking lot pot holes becomes very interesting all of the sudden. "Yeah well... I'm just sayin'."

"Do you want my help?" He sensed Cas was just about done with him and his shit.

Dean takes a minute or two to watch several cars find spots before he answers. "Look, you're right. I can't do this on my own. So, if you still wanna help me figure out how to stop this, I'd appreciate it."

Cas didn't move until Dean makes eye contact again. Then he takes several steps way into his personal space until Dean gives ground, backing up to bump against the brick wall.

"Just to be clear," Cas mimicks him evenly, "You are saying you need me."

"Yeah, sounds like it." Dean tries for sarcastic.

"Say it." He was dead serious.

He sighs while rolling his eyes but feels his pulse hammering. "I need you." Flushing for some stupid reason, he swallows the hard lump in his throat and bites off, "Happy?"

Christ. What he needs is some space between them.

Cas barely twitches his lips up into a smile as he steps back. "Yes. We can go in now."

"Fantastic." Dean throws over his shoulder as he stomps towards the door.

He does a quick survey of the rowdy room and finds Sam through the cheering half-drunk crowd. Several games are playing at once on tvs in every corner. He'd have seen his brother even if Sam wasn't waving from the end of a row of booths. He's a head taller than almost everyone there. Cas walks past him when they reach the booth to slide in opposite Sam. Great. Now he's either going to have to sit next to Sam which would be odd and draw attention or.. Damn him.

He slides in next to Cas and casually says, "Look who I found lurking outside."

"Hey Castiel. How ya been?" Sam smiles up from his menu.

"Hello, Sam. I have been very well, thank you."

Dean tries not to look his way as he reaches across him for the beer list. He will probably start blushing like a freaking school girl if he does.

"You haven't been around lately. Are you and Dean still working on the exercises?"

Last time they were all together was actually at that damn motel. He wills his brain not to think of Cas in bed with him. Cas on top of him. Cas biting his lip. Cas moaning. Fuck. Old Ladies. Old Ladies in two pieces.. synchronized swimming. 

"We are going to begin them again soon." Cas offers helpfully.

"Can we talk about something else? I feel like the big crazy elephant in the room." 

Cas is frowning at that like he wants to ask what relation Dean has to an elephant.

"Don't be a dick. We're just worried about you," Sam says instead.

The waitress bounces up to their table and smiles at all of them. Dark brown hair up in a high ponytail and tight shorts that hug her ass. "Hiya boys. What are we drinkin'?" 

Sam gets some Belgian beer and Dean a Budweiser. When Castiel just looks at her, Dean says he'll have one too.

She'd been basically bating her lashes at all of them before but now zeroes in on him. "Sure thing. Be right back!"

He smiles back. Hmm.. it had been over a damn year and some change since he'd been laid.

She returns with all their drinks and makes sure to lean her plumb tits right in his face to deposit Cas' beer in front of him. When she pulls back, she lingers to give him another inviting look.

He grins and winks. "Thanks, sugar." Maybe if he had a nice quick fuck in a backseat he'd release some of this sexual tension he's got bottled up. Maybe he'd stop getting hard every time Cas looked at him. Speaking of..

He feels Cas stiffen next to him and, considering Cas' posture always seems pretty stiff, that's something.

"Hey Cas, have you ever heard of a Djinn feeding on anything other than happiness?" Sam asks about the potential case in Salt Lake.

He tunes out Sam and Cas going over their gathered info to follow the waitress as she makes her rounds. She catches his eye more than once and smirks down at her pad as she writes other tables orders. When she finally makes her way back to their table to get their orders, he makes sure to lean in close to give her his. She's giggles at nothing in particular and throws him a little flirty look over her shoulder as she leaves again. He can virtually feel the coldness coming from his right. Dean ignores him and concentrates on the decent sized fully loaded burger that's put in from of him. Cas'll get over it. This will fix up any misunderstandings they're having about what's going on between them. Two birds, one stone. And he gets laid out of it. 

When their plates are cleared and a few more beers downed, the brunette returns to ask about dessert. 

"So how 'bout it, guys? Up for something sweet?" She smiles coyly at her phrasing.

Sam shakes his head so she turns to sit her hip up on the table and face Dean. 

"House specials are Banana Pudding, Double Chocolate Cake and Apple Pie A La Mode."

Cas, who had been staring out the window, turns and speaks before Dean can enthusiastically go for the last option.

"Chocolate Cake."

She turns to him a little annoyed. "Okay one cake and what about you, handsome?"

"The cake is for Dean." Castiel draws back her attention. " I don't want anything." 

When Dean turns to gape at him, Cas was looking straight at the waitress with raised eyebrows as if to ask "was there anything else?"

The girl pouts down her full lips in question at Dean. He glances at Cas who shifts his gaze back to him. His stare was steady, waiting for Dean to make the decision. The waitress is still watching, irritated now. Even Sam looks up across to him. 

He swallows and before he knows exactly why, says, "Yeah. That sounds good." Jesus, it takes everything in him to keep his voice from freaking cracking. Cas purses his lips a little in a small satisfied smile and looks off at a tv near them. Sam's frowning so he clears his throat and asks something about the case. He doesn't even listen to the answer. It feels too warm in the bar all of the sudden - the roars and yells of it's patrons, becoming annoying. 

The waitress brings the damn cake and sets it down in front of him, trying to catch his eye again but Dean's too busy staring at the dessert like he's never seen cake before.

"Thank you," Cas says politely for him and he was positively smirking. Why the hell was his dick twitching to life? Calm down. Christ, not here. 

He almost hops out of the booth when he felt Cas' strong fingers rubbing his upper thigh under the table. Sam had asked him something but what the hell it was he could not for the life of him (or lack of embarrassment) tell.

"Uh.." he gulps shallowly.

"It sounds as though you are tracking a werewolf. What do you think, Dean?" Cas slowly turns to him with his face open as if he was offering a solution instead of about to drive him crazy with the way his hand was making passes up and down on top of his thigh. Getting closer to his swollen.. Fuck, and the fingers move away. He's both panicked and relieved all at once. Paralyzed on what to do next, he just tries to stay as still as possible, eyes glued to a tv nearby and pretend as if he wasn't dangerously close to getting hard. Cas' hand stills too, just resting on his leg.

"I thought you enjoyed dessert, Dean," he comments innocently. Okay so apparently Cas can be a vindictive prick when he's jealous. Sam's looking at him with raised eyebrows like what the fuck is wrong with you? 

"Yep." Staring at the wedge of chocolate waiting for him because he sure as hell can't look at the angel next to him right now, Dean spears off a bite. The moment it touches his lips he feels those fingers moving again and right as he swallows, Cas brushes lightly against his half-hard dick. His eyes go wide and he chokes.

"Wrong pipe?" Sam asks, already focused back on the file he was reading since Dean clearly had nothing useful to add.

Dean almost laughs at the choice of words but just grunts "yeah" instead, drinking from his beer. Several chugs later, he's finally able to look at Cas who unabashedly stares back with this challenging smile. It does all kinds of things to his lower region and he's painfully at full attention now. Cas' eyes shift down to his plate then back to him, tilting his head just a tiny bit. When a rowdy table at the other end of the room bursts into cheers at a touchdown for one of the games playing, Dean jerks his head down and clears his throat. He picks up his fork and takes another bite mechanically so he doesn't bring any more attention to himself. Getting up doesn't even enter his mind. Instead he pretends to watch the tv above him, biting on his lip and breathing out shallowly when Cas follows outline of his hard on with firm fingertips. 

He can not believe he's sitting here in public, across from his little brother no less, with another guy's hand on his pole.. and letting it happen. He thanked the big guy (that he hardly believed in anymore) that they were in the last booth of a row so unless that waitress came back no one would see how the heel of Cas' hand was firmly pressing into him.

The pressure stops completely when he sets his fork down to drink his beer. Cas asks Sam about some witness description like he had nowhere to be and nothing to do. Was he really just going to work him up and stop? Christ, he was a bastard sometimes.

Angrily, Dean takes a big bite of the sweet thick frosting and moans low when Cas suddenly grasps his dick tight through his jeans. Holy shit. Hopefully the game above them had been too loud. 

"Need a moment alone with your dessert?" Sam laughs.

Dean forces his mouth to keep chewing but nearly winces. Cas is making a point. He was forcing Dean to participate. He wasn't going to let him just sit back and be a victim... no matter how willing.

"If you'd prefer the pie, I can get the waitresses attention." Cas looks at him all earnest and helpful. The little shit. Dean grinds his teeth at him and those fingers trace the inside of his thigh.

"Nah, this is fine." Dean's voice sounds a little hoarse. The chocolate was overwhelmingly sweet but he makes the decision to bring another bite to his lips and Cas doesn't disappoint. Damn, he wouldn't have thought he'd known how to handle his own erection let alone stroking Dean's like a pro. Whether it's the unexpectedness of Cas' assault, the public voyeur factor or just the fact that someone is rubbing him off, Dean is already at the edge. He makes sure to take measured bites so Cas' hand doesn't stop. It can't stop now. He wraps his own hand around the edge of the table to hold on as he finishes the last bite. Fingers dipped lower, brushing brushed over his balls. Fuck yes. Up and over and down..

"Oh, um. Here's your check." 

Dean starts, dropping his fork to clatter loudly on the empty plate as she skitters off quickly. The waitress can't have seen what Cas was doing from under the table but she had to know something was going on. He breathes out shaky sigh, hunching his shoulders. Cas' hand is gone and it's not coming back. Could a guy die of blue balls?

"Did you like it, Dean?" Cas asks and his dick is so hard its a sin.

"Right up there with pie." Dean puts his head in his hands and rubs his eyes. His whole body feels tense, drawn up tight in a mix of excitement and dread. It's confusing. What the hell had he been hoping for? He's a little pissed at Cas, he'd just told him he didn't want to go there but at the same time he wants to demand he stay here and finish what he started when he's saying he has to leave. He even makes Dean get up to let him out of the booth making him have to turn to the side awkwardly to avoid showing the interest in his jeans. Any other damn time, Cas would presto his way out of there but of course today he needs to leave via the door like a normal asshole. Cas says his goodbyes without a backwards glance or a lingering look to show that he knows how very uncomfortable he made his favorite hunter.

"Dude, what the hell?"

"What?" Dean says distractedly.

"What's with you letting Cas order you cake? When I forget your pie you bite my head off."

"I thought I'd try new things. Sue me."

"Dean, you've gone off on thirty minute lectures about why pie is better than cake." 

"Whatever. It's not a big deal, Jesus. Look, I'm gonna stick around and try to hook up with that waitress, Mindy."

"Megan."

"Yeah. Right. So.."

Sam closes his laptop, shaking his head. "Well good luck. You're gonna need it after you ignored her to have your intimate moment with your cake."

"Shut up, Bitch." Dean throws the keys to him.

"Jerk." Sam chuckles, pausing like maybe he wants to say something but shakes it off and keeps walking.

Dean gives it several minutes and asks the first chick in a small uniform he finds for the Men's Room key. Once inside he locks the door and takes a few steps inside, sinks and mirrors to his left. Closing his eyes, he whispers,"Cas" and is immediately shoved the few feet back against the door before he opens them again. 

Their bodies are tight together and Cas is smiling from an inch away. His arms are on either side of Dean's head, hands flat against the door. 

"Christ, you're such a cocktease." Dean's voice is shaky. He closes his eyes and can't help smiling when Cas moves in to suck on his neck. All thoughts of his earlier manly man speech, his brother, the fucking waitress are in another world. His is filled up with the feeling of a rough cheek scraping his neck as Cas' turns his head to lick behind his ear. 

"Shit." he breathes. Cas bites his ear and is beginning to cause amazing friction lower. This is when he'd usually be making out pretty heavy with whatever woman he was about to bury inside of but he realized Cas had avoided his face all together. Probably worried Dean will freak out.. like he could pretend what they were doing was somehow not sexual or maybe forget that he wasn't strictly just into girl parts. If they don't kiss or if Cas' didn't look him in the eye (even though he was making his eyes roll back) then it didn't count. And yeah, Dean usually would be freaking out but Cas is making everything awesome. 

He feels teeth biting down to worry a sensitive spot on his neck and lifts up both hands to Cas' bent head and pulls him back. Cas' eyes are dazed and disappointed. Dean watches him lick his lower lip free of excess saliva.

Fuck it.

Dean sees a second of confusion when he pulls Cas' face to his before their lips meet. It's sweet and over too quick because Cas is jerking back to look at Dean. He cocks his head and they stare at each other in silence. Dean is going to lose his nerve soon if Cas doesn't do something but then he's leaning in slowly. Carefully. Eyes flicking between his mouth and his eyes..giving Dean time to pull away and say Just kidding. Their noses rub together as they kiss gently for a minute. Dean opens his mouth a little to encourage more. He licks against Cas' mostly closed lips until he gets it and moans when Cas dives forward. Cas' tongue slides against his and they crash together, only pulling back every minute or so to pant for breath.

Dean's hand is shaking, despite his arousal pushing him on as he reaches down to undo Cas' belt. Women usually didn't wear belts.. he couldn't kid himself. He was actually going to do this. Reach inside to touch another dude's di-

What the fuck? Dean's brain short circuited when Cas' fingers stroked him through his jeans before slipping the button loose and pulling down the zipper. 

Dean's hand, that had paused mid-unbuckling, yanked impatiently now. he tore at the slack's fly as Cas pushed his jeans and boxers down on his thighs roughly.

Cool air hit his cock but nothing was bringing his erection down now. He just got Cas' pant's open when there was a knock on the door behind him. The one he was about to rub dicks with a guy against. 

Cas pulls back, hair mussed and eyes wide. 

Dean grabbed his shoulders too hard and whispers harshly "I swear to your douche of a dad if you fly away right now I'll clip your fucking wings."

Cas honest to god smirks. He pointedly let's his eyes drop down to Dean's hips and grabs them, pulls him tight to him and thrusts up at the same time. Only thin blue boxers between their throbbing-

Another loud knock.

Fuck.. "Occupied! Out in a goddamn minute!" He barks.

He hears some muttering on the other side of the wood as he drops his head back against it. 

"Where the hell did you learn all this?" he gasps quietly.

"I've been doing research." He gruffly answers to the ceiling when Dean pulls him out of his boxers to stroke him.

The fog clears for just a second as he laughs and hesitates.. "Wait. You mean you've been watching porn?"

Cas thumbs over Dean's head and rubs the pre-cum in a slow circle. "It was very informative. I think I have learned much."

Dean pictures his angel, head tilted, studying gay porn for tips and almost explodes in his hand. He goes back to tentatively touching Cas' dick too.

"Fuck. Yeah, you have."

Cas moves in close and cups his jaw to bring their mouths back together. With his other hand he grabs Dean's wrist to pull him away from where he'd been beginning to jerk him.

"You can touch me anywhere except there." He looks at him levelly so Dean pays attention when he can barely remember to breathe.

He doesn't explain, just goes back to licking inside Dean's slightly open mouth with fervor.

What? Where else is he supposed to touch him? Fuck, why is it so hard to think? His head spins a little when Cas tightens his hold over his shaft.

Dean moans into the other man's mouth. He tries to focus on what Cas might want but his legs are shaking with every intense pump of Cas' hand. His own naked cock is throbbing untouched between them. He briefly has a flash of seeing Cas' chest before he had Dean help carve an Enochian symbol into it. He's always so buried in layers and Dean reaches up for the buttons to his white dress shirt. Cas doesn't stop him, he's allowed this. 

When Dean gets the shirt open, he pushes his hands inside over the shoulders then drags his fingers down over his collar bone, over his nipples and lower to the edge of the trail of hair. He's never seen so much of Cas' skin and it's erotic and feels intimate.. almost as much as the guy fisting his cock.

He's busy dragging his thumb over Cas' navel and hip bones so he doesn't notice until he feels it. Cas encircled his dick next to Dean's in his hand. 

"Fuck, Cas.." He bangs his head against the door and winces at the intense pleasure. He never imagined this could feel so good. When Cas' hand upstroked, their heads were tightly wedged together. Downstroke right down to the root. Hot. Hard. Cas' hands twists as he pulls up now. That same hand had incinerated demons with a touch to their foreheads. He dips forward to suck at Dean's neck for a moment before moving open mouthed kisses over his jaw, chin to stop just a breath away from his mouth. Dean's opens his eyes and only then will he lick over his lips and kiss him again.

Dean cums harder than he thought was possible hanging on to Cas hips to ground him and sucking in air as fast as he can get it. Cas watches him, licking over his open mouth when he's almost done spurting and lets his own eyes close to let go. There's a noise like a power surge and the long light bar above them pops. They pant in the dark, eyes adjusting to what little light there is with the red EXIT sign above them.

He's still clinging onto Cas for support as he tries really hard to not make a joke about being touched by an angel.


	8. Covering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I will not touch you until you ask me to..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all my lovely readers and those who kudo and comment. It means the world to me. When I start to get self-conscious, you all are there to give me a confidence boost.

Dean is still catching his breath, clutching at Cas' naked hips.

"Holy Crap, that was awesome." he says with eyes closed.

"I agree. And I have been witness to truly awe-inspiring moments." Cas sounds amused and a little breathless himself. 

Dean catches a glimpse of them in the bathroom mirror at an angle and starts blushing. He feels very exposed all of the sudden. He rubs his thumbs back and forth over Cas' hard cut hipbones and pulls back.

Cas is watching him closely, waiting for him to freakout. Dean pushes down the thought of what his dad would think of him.. still a knee jerk reaction on most days. The small smile he'd repressed comes back and he slowly leans in to peck Cas on the lips.

It isn't a declaration or promise but at least he isn't going to be a douche-bag and try to spin this on Cas. He called him.

Cas let his knit eyebrows smooth and smiled too. "Incidentally, you taste like chocolate."

Dean is surprised into laughter and Cas cuts it off with a kiss.

KNOCK! KNOCK!

"Do you want me to take you to your motel room?" Cas asks in his ear.

"Nah, we might be in town a little longer. Don't want to spook the locals by pulling a disappearing act."

Cas nods.

"But maybe.. um" Dean gestures between them to the clinging white mess.

"Of course."

Once he's righted his clothing, Dean takes a breath and opens the door. There's his waitress(Mandy? Maggy?) and a balding round guy in a blue polo and khakis. He has "General Manager" on his name tag.

"Is there a problem in here, Sir?" 

Dean points up at the dark bulb. "Yeah, there's a problem. Damn light blew. I coulda fallen and sued,ya know.

The now pissy waitress stomps past him.

"Where is he?"

"Who?"

"Your twink boyfriend in the suit."

"Megan!" The manager looks embarrassed and probably worried about a lawsuit.

"Excuse me?" He got a little nauseous at her wording, but couldn't help finding the fact that she thought Castiel was a twink hilarious. If she only knew.

She slammed open the two stall doors and turn on him huffily.

"I know you two were-"

"I'm so sorry, Sir. Is there anything we can do for you?"

"Yeah, you can call me a cab." He walks out into the hallway. "And get that light fixed. It's a safety hazard."

 

When he came through the door, Sam was already asleep so he fell into bed with his clothes on. He was out before the feeling of stubble-burn on his cheek faded.

\--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---

Dean woke up from Sam's kick to his leg.

"Hey. Planning on gettin' up today?"

His brother was already dressed and had a Dunkin' Donuts coffee in his hand.

Dean groans. "Please tell me there's donuts."

"There's donuts."

"Sweet Jesus, Sam, you can be taught."

When Dean reluctantly made his head leave the pillow, he heard Sam laugh. 

"Son of a bitch, how'd you do it?"

"What are you talkin' about?"

Sam pointed at his own neck on the right side. 

"The waitress left a lovebite."

Dean touches his neck and winces at the sensitive spot. He rolls to the other side of the bed and gets up to see it in the bathroom mirror. Sure enough, there's a dark purple mark. His mirror self is getting flushed as he rubs two fingers over it. Cas gave him this to remind him. Maybe so in the light of day he couldn't hide from what he'd done last night.. or who he'd done it with.

"You into this girl?" Sam asked skeptically from behind him.

Dean jumped, looking guilty. "What? Who?"

"Megan?" Ah, pissy bitch from last night. 

"Nah, we just had some fun." Cas sucking. Cas licking. Biting down to make what he's trying not to stare at in the mirror.

Sam leaves him to shower off the night before. When he walks out in a towel to grab some fresh clothes, he almost trips and gives the room a show. Cas is sitting in one of the motel room's two chairs, across from Sam, flipping through his dad's journal ideally.

Cas looks up and his eyes immediately latch on to his neck. He swallows. "What are you doing here?" That might have come out a bit too loud.

"Cas told you he would come by in the morning last night. You were too busy making sweet love to your dessert." Sam snickered.

Kinda hard to concentrate when someone's stroking your dick under the table. Dammit, he wasn't expecting to see him so soon. Especially not half-naked in front of his brother.

"Hello, Dean." Cas said and looked at his neck again.

"Hi Cas-Castiel." He smiled awkwardly and forces his widened eyes to the floor quickly. Once he's able to, he looks up to see Cas' raise his eyebrows, press his lips together and go back to thumbing through the book.

Sam. Shit. What the fuck was he doing. Just go! He grabs some clothes and hurries to the bathroom before he says or does anything else weird.

He got dressed and managed to get out the door with Cas without hoisting a rainbow flag for Sam.

"So where are we heading?"

With a touch of two fingers, he turns around to an open clearing in a quiet forest.

"We are here."

"Where's here?"

"Oregon. Now I believe if we start you with fighting in a controlled environment with me, eventually you will be able to cope with outside threats without succumbing to madness."

"I'm sorry, are we just gonna pretend we didn't bump uglies last night?"

"Bump uglies?"

"Yeah your ugly bumped my ugly.."

"You thought I was ugly?"

"No Cas I mean-"

"Because I didn't think you were ugly." 

Dean feels his face heat. "Thanks..It's um just an expression anyway. Trust me, you weren't ugly."

Cas frowns and says "I have read that you might need time to process the change in our relationship. I am giving you your 'space'."

"Okay I don't even want to know where that came from and we're not in a relationship."

Cas squints at him. "This is why I wanted to concentrate on our sparring for today. We need to get you close to the edge and then teach you to withdraw."

"I'm starting to get a Luke and Yoda vibe here."

"Focus, Dean." Cas says impatiently.

"Kinda hard to do when our little cage matches always turn handsy." His ears are burning and he doesn't quite know who he's angry at. 

"Are you saying you do not enjoy my hands?" Cas got this one and he's smiling as he makes eye contact.

"Obviously Not." How is he supposed to just roll around in the dirt with Cas after he let him touch his dick. How can he concentrate on fighting and channeling his crazy? He can feel Cas' eyes on him but can't quite make himself meet them.

"Okay."

"Okay? Okay what?"

"Since you are so ambivalent about what we did, I will give you time to think about it. I will not touch you in that way until you ask me to. Now can we continue without you being preoccupied by my hands?"

Dean sighs and rolls his eyes.

"Dean, this is about you learning to handle your problem-"

"Yeah okay let's do this already."

They start by circling each other. Cas tells him to try and hit him. At first Dean is half-heartedly looking for an opening. This is hard to take seriously. He goes for a right jab and ends up on his ass. Cas is waiting behind him. Dean shakes it off and dives for him again. Again he is on the ground. After about the tenth time of not connecting with anything and Cas playing purely defensive.. he's starting to get pretty damn frustrated. They continue this way for maybe another hour and Dean can feel his jaw grinding when he gets up this time. Cas seems to be perfectly happy to do this all day. 

"What the fuck are we doing?"

"You are trying and failing to hit me."

"Yeah Cas I fucking got that." He's beginning to reeeally want to catch him. Just once. 

Another hour later and he is crawling out of his skin. It's like a starving man seeing a juicy hamburger but it's just out of reach. 

The next time the angel moves out of his punch, Dean pulls back at the last second. Cas is just a second too slow to step away and Dean jumps on him. Dean straddles his legs and punches him across the face twice.. Cas let's him. Dean lowers his arm and tries to see past the want to hurt for a second. There's a cut high up on Cas cheek and he didn't heal it. Dean fixates on it and bends down to lick the line of blood off. Dean shutters and closes his eyes.

"You are making it very hard not to touch you, Dean." The red tinge to his thoughts abates a bit and they turn a different way. 

Dean puts his palms on Cas chest and rubs his groin over his. Cas just passively stays on his back, arms at his sides. Dean kisses him hard and Cas is unresponsive.

"Dammit, Cas!"

"You know what I want you to say."

Dean lets out an exasperated growl and sit ups. Cas just looks at him with his best blank-face.

"Fine, goddammit, I liked it." He bites the inside of his cheek to focus his thoughts. "I liked it and I'd really like to do it again if you'd stop being bitchy already. So will you please.. " He doesn't have the balls to put words how he liked it all. Not just getting off because that's obvious and easy.. but everything Cas made him feel when they started to play their weird control games.

Cas reaches up to grab the side of his face and pull him down. Dean happily dips his head. After a quick kiss, Cas pushes Dean off to sit on the ground next to him, then turns to grab him under the knees. Dean is suddenly on his back with Cas above him. Another deep, hard kiss and he pulls back. Dean follows his mouth up until he's pushed back down to the ground by a hand in the middle of his chest.

"Do you think you deserve redemption, Dean? Have you earned this?"

Dean's mind was already starting to fog over with lusty thoughts and it took great effort to get out his, "huh?"

Cas leans down to give him one more kiss before he says from a gasp away, "Keep your hands flat on the grass until I tell you not to."

He moves up and shifts so he's sitting on Dean's chest. Dean can't help being nervous but also hard from excitement. He lowers his arms and slowly opens his fists, keeping eye contact the whole time.

"Good."

Cas' knees are bent on either side of his torso. It's overwhelming and also comforting. Cas is unbuckling his belt.. unzipping his pants..

He's so close and told not to move. If someone told Dean he would ever want to touch another dick this bad he would have laughed. Well punched them, then laughed. 

Cas pulls out his cock over his boxers. He wasn't really looking at it last night.. trying his best to just go with the good feelings and not bolt. Now he gazes up at Cas, looking down at him with such surety. He breaks away from his eyes and checks him out.

Head pink, almost the color of Cas' lips. Longer than him but thinner. He's hard and twitching a little. After giving Dean his minute to inspect, his hand grasps it firmly. Holy crap, he isn't going to..

Dean gasps when Cas starts stroking himself above him. His pink head is squeezed tight before he jerks back down. His eyes close for a moment before he meets Dean's again. Shit, this was so freaking hot. Dean's fingers are twitching to grab him somewhere or at least to rub his own painful erection.

Cas inhales sharply. He's trapped in his jeans with no friction because Cas is too high up on his body. Dean frowns and lets his head fall back to the ground but almost immediately lifts it up the little bit to see Cas biting his damned chapped lips. Dean can't help arching upwards involuntarily even though there's nothing there to relieve him.

Cas meets his eyes from underneath half-lidded ones and doesn't hesitate his stroking at all when he says, "Remember not to move your hands." 

Dean wishes he could just reach up and hold his hips. He forces out a breath he'd been holding for too long and makes himself continue to be still. Cas smiles down at him and lets his eyelids close for a second. His head falls back and he's rocking his legs forward a little over his chest. 

It's agony to be so close and have to be still, but Cas told him to.. and that makes it even better.

Cas' breathing hitches and he breathes out, "Deeean." He grips his own pants leg as he cums into his fist. 

Dean gulps and tries to get air. Cas slowly comes down and looks into Dean's eyes from above him. Cas reaches forward to Dean's cheek and wipes the warm sticky mess on it. Then the other cheek. Finally across his parted lips.

Dean closes his eyes tight and makes a pained noise. 

"I should leave you here like this." Cas' voice seems even deeper than usual and makes his whole body tingle. Dean is shocked and so fucking turned on he's going to beg if Cas doesn't touch him or let him touch himself. He'd hump the hard ground if he could get some relief.

"Tell me you want this."

"Fuck do I want this." Dean says too quickly.

"Tell me you want me."

Dean has to swallow and sucks his bottom lip clean.

"I want you."

Cas moves down to kiss him and licks his mouth. He smiles bigger than Dean has ever seen him and crawls backwards down Dean's body languidly. Dean keeps his arms at his sides just in case.

Cas looks up at him from between his legs and takes his cock out of his jeans. Seeing Cas hold him like he was just beating himself.. Over Dean's face. Into his hands.. to rub his fucking cum.. He can feel it cooling on his cheeks.

Cas only had to tug him upwards maybe four times before it's too much and Dean's lost. He rides it out and his fingers claw at the grass beneath him, digging deep rows. He's staring up at the blue sky, just breathing, when Cas is above him again. He brings his thumb up to his mouth with some of Dean's cum and licks it clean.

"Holy shit, what kinda porn are you watching, Cas?"

Cas just smiles and kisses him.


	9. Comforting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something wakes him up and he sees a familiar form sitting on his bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, my darlings, for all the love.

The sun is going down as Dean stumbles through the door looking worse for wear.

"Whoa, what happened to you," Sam asks concerned.

"You know. Me and Cas. Exercises." Dean can only gesture vaguely like thats almost too much effort.

"I thought you were like meditating or something," he says incredulously.

"Yeah well, sometimes it gets kinda physical."

"What the hell-"

"Can we talk about this later? I am wiped."

Sam glares but allows, "Yeah, fine."

Dean closes the bathroom door, too tired to care about the annoyed frown on his brother's face.

+++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ 

Sam takes off to do some recon a few towns over the next day. They had argued when he noticed some of Dean's colorful bruising. Dean tried to explain that what he was doing was helping but got angry when Sam kept pushing to know more. So he let his hot head rule his mouth..

A little time apart would do them some good. They needed it every once in a while. He spends most of the day eating local BBQ and flicking through the channels ideally, catches a few reality trash shows and a rerun episode of Dr. Sexy MD. 

He jerks off to his favorite porn mag and falls asleep early due to boredom.

Something wakes him up.

Before he can panic, he blinks his eyes and sees a familiar hunched form sitting on the side of his bed, facing the door. Is he dreaming this?

"Cas? Cas, you ok?" Dean tries to force himself more awake.

"I didn't have anywhere else to go."

"What's wrong?" Dean asks to his back, getting uneasy.

"A woman drowned her baby today."

Dean is confused but knows how affected by this Cas is because his voice is devoid of all emotion.

"I told you that I have been helping people. Her infant daughter was one of those I had healed."

"Cas.." Dean reaches forward to put a hand on his shoulder.

"The mother was suffering from depression. Apparently it is not uncommon."

Dean feel helpless but not in the way it usually is between them. God he is crap at this. Sam is way better at knowing what to say when people are breaking. How does he make Cas better?

"I know it is useless to mourn one human tragedy.. it.. she was one of countless deaths today. I just thought that I would.. possibly check in on her throughout her life."

Back still to him, Dean sees Cas drop his head even lower and hunch in on himself.

Dean can only think of one thing that might help. "You know, a good friend of mine once told me.. you can't save everyone."

He hears a little laugh that turns into a small sob. 

When Dean pulls at his shoulder, Cas turns and looks at him, eyes shiny even in the dark with unshed tears.

Dean stands up and Cas goes back to staring at the floor. Dean bends and slips off his dress shoes, trench-coat and suit jacket. He loosens his tie and pulls it over his head. Cas lets him, frowning at the ground.

Dean finally pushes him down and crawls up the bed behind him. He presses himself close and hesitates. Then shakes his head angrily at his hang-ups and brings an arm over the other man's middle. He may not know what else to say but he can at least do this.

Slowly, he can feel Cas becoming pliant instead of tense. After a long time, he covers Dean's hand that's on his stomach with his own.

+++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++

He must have fallen back asleep because he wakes up with his hand on Cas' chest. Cas had turned on his back and is staring at the ceiling, left hand behind his head.

He gazes down when Dean shifts but doesn't say anything.

A barely there smile flashes for a minute but leaves as soon as he's seen it.

Dean makes himself shake off the awkwardness of waking up in bed with a man. This is his friend, who yeah he's let touch his naughty parts but who also is hurting.

"My apologizes for last night."

"Shut up, Cas." The smile stays a bit longer this time.

Dean tries to sit up smoothly and not make a big deal of pulling his hand back.

"Come on, why don't you go get a shower."

"Dean, I don't need to-"

"Yeah, I know you can zap yourself squeaky clean but it always makes me feel better."

Cas just looks at him like he doesn't get the point.

"Humor me, huh?"

And secretly he kinda wants to see what Cas has under all these layers. Not that he'd want to do anything with him being so down.

"Sam is not here."

"Nope, he's off scouting our next case."

Cas follows him to the bathroom, still in pants, shirt and socks. Dean almost laughs at seeing Cas in socks. He definitely doesn't laugh when Cas starts to slip buttons through their holes in the white dress shirt one by one, watching him.

Dean turns to fiddle with the settings and get the water comfortable. He's testing the spray with his hand when he hears his belt unbuckling. Moving to sit on the closed toilet lid, he doesn't look up until he's taken a deep breath.

"Are you not going to undress?" Dean's only in boxers and a thin white t-shirt.

"No Cas, just get your shower. I didn't tell you to do it so we could.. you know. I want you to feel better."

"I will feel better when you are no longer wearing clothing."

Dean smiles and looks away. 

There's a clink of the belt hitting the linoleum and he can't help looking back when he hears Cas' pants are off. Then the socks and finally the blue boxers.

He has a lean muscled body that he hid so well. It's smooth and he thinks graceful. It's surreal to have so much of him on display. Cas only gives him a minute to stare before he moves to drag Dean to his feet. 

He's pulling Dean's shirt over his head without hesitation like he has every right. Then his plaid boxers are being pushed past his hips, Cas looking straight in his eyes from too close as he pushes them down around where he is hardening. 

They haven't said anything in a while and they are suddenly in a small space, no clothing between them. It feels claustrophobic and overwhelming, but Dean is gonna try very hard not to panic.

Cas slowly lowers his eyes to follow the naked line of his body to his curling toes.

"You are beautiful, Dean."

Dean scoffs audibly at that. Chicks usually dig his muscles and he'll admit he can clean up when he wants, but he knows there's deep scars and a few places where a chunk of flesh has been gouged out. Hunting had taken its toll on any "beauty" he might have once had but he'd paid the price willing. Cas was beautiful..graceful.. though he scarcely let that thought form.

"Geez Cas, you can't just say stuff like that. Besides I'm a man. We're not 'beautiful'."

Cas had started running a finger or thumb over each burn, scratch, scar and imperfection and said distractedly, "I could use pulchritudinous if you prefer?"

Dean was at full mast now and trying to focus on being still but this odd inspection of his body was driving him crazy.

"Exquisite? Resplendent?" He's tracing some of his worse healed over wounds. Cas finally reached up to cup Dean's neck and rub the pad of his thumb over the fading mark he'd left when sucking it against that men's bathroom door.

"Beautiful," he said as he lifted his eyes.

Dean sucked in air and tried to steady his pulse. Cas was so freaking intense sometimes.

Not really being able to take being looked at with such reverence much longer he tries to make a joke. "You look better without the bees."

"You're referring to when I was insane. I still believe insects are preferable to most angels, as well as humans after yesterday."

"C'mon, let's get a shower before there's no hot water left."

It was kinda weird, showering with a guy. He hardly ever even showered with one of his one-night stands. Dean ducked his head under the spray, ran a hand back and forth over this hair and moved underneath it so Cas had more room. He resolutely kept his eyes at chest level.

He almost laughed as he had a mental image of an angel getting wet and thoughts of wings droopy with water.

Cas stood with the water hitting his chest like he didn't know what else he was supposed to do. Grabbing the bar of soap, Dean instructed him to rub it all over till there was suds. 

It was like a forbidden wet dream and distracting to see the water beating off so much of his skin, warmth making it slightly pink.

Dean looked to the ceiling and blew out a breath. His first jerk-off fantasy of Cas had been in the shower and it was really hard to not remember it in great detail at the moment. 

"I think I'm finished?" Cas said like he still wasn't sure if he had done this right.

"Uh, turn around. I'll get your back."

As Cas turned, he took the bar from him. Dean suds the bar over his shoulders, middle of his back and can't stop his head from bending to check out the firm ass. He must have stopped moving his hand for too long because Cas turns and sees where his eyes were from over his shoulder.

He tilts his head and smiles.

"I want to wash your back as well."

"Uh, sure."

Dean is a little embarrassed as they shift places. Turning around, he feels vulnerable. Cas grabs the bar from his hand that's hanging at his side. Oh yeah. He'd forgotten to give it to him.

Instead of just rubbing the soap bar over him, Cas suds it between his hands and puts it down. His fingers are rubbing down his back. Dean tenses at the feeling and his arms feel awkward at his sides.

"Dean, put your hands on the wall."

His dick twitches and he does. He's staring at the white tile and he can't help getting snapshots of his daydream with him and Cas in the shower now. 

Cas is dragging his soapy hands down his back. Down down down and Dean jumps a little when they don't pause as they get to his butt. Cas' hands turn to drag back up over his ass.

Since Cas is blocking the water, the suds cling to him. Dean's arms bend and he rests his forehead on the shower wall.

Cas breaks contact for a moment and Dean has time to wonder what he's doing but that's answered pretty quick and he almost bites off his tongue. It takes everything in him not to jerk away. Cas rubs his soaped up cock between his cheeks, his right arm coming around to pull him back against him tight. Cas mouth fastens on the side of his neck right about where the hickey was fading.

Cas left hand holds his hip as he slides against his ass. Groaning, Cas' blunt nails drag over it. The next pass he makes is harder and Dean winces as he leaves scratch marks. Dean's fingers bunch into claws on the wall but he relaxes them again immediately.

He feels kisses and gentle bites at the back of his neck before lips are replaced with Cas' firm right hand.

"Turn your head." 

Dean obediently turns to his left as Cas forces his head steadily forward until his cheek is laying against the slick tile. Fuck.. he must have read Dean's mind and seen this.

Oh, this is so much better than the scenario he imaged with Cas because he would never have dared add his cock picking up speed to make obscene noises behind him. His other hand moving to grab Dean's dick so it glides through his soapy fingers. Cas making little grunts in his ear as he surges against the back of his body. 

Dean is pressed so hard into the unforgiving wall, they're both moaning now. Trapped tight, Dean closes his eyes and let's Cas fuck against him and his hand picks up the pace when his dick pumps harder. Cas hand squeezes his neck and he shouts something in Enochian.

If he has a braincell left later, he'll ask him about it.

Cas' cum is shooting over the small of his back and his ass.

"Now, Dean." He breathes in his ear and presses his entire body against him as he jerks him hard.

Dean cries out and Cas eventually uncurls from clutching him.

When Dean opens his eyes and pushes off the wall, it's dark and the water's cold.

He laughs, shakily. "Really, Cas?' 

"What?" Cas says from close behind him.

"You're hell on light bulbs."

"Do you realize how difficult it is to not destroy light fixtures in the entire city?" he huffs.  
"The water is cold and becoming uncomfortable."

Dean reaches blindly around him to shut it off.

As Dean steps out to open the door for some light, trying not to kill himself, he hears Cas say, "You were right Dean. The shower did make me feel better."


	10. Panicking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam is circling the truth and he's paralyzed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, kittens. It can't all be slaps and tickles. Let me know you still love me afterwards.

Sam is back the following morning with details for a salt and burn.

"So what'd you do while I was gone? Eat greasy BBQ in bed and jerk off to Asian porn?"

"It's like you've known me all my life." Dean says while thumbing through the file his brother put together.

Sam rolls his eyes.

"Cas dropped by for a visit too."

"Yeah? You guys do some more of your 'yoga' that leaves you dead on your feet?"

Dean lets that go.

"Nah, he was upset over someone he helped. A mom that ended up drowning her baby. He was pretty torn up about it."

Sam winces. "That's rough." Then after a moment he says hesitantly, "Hey, do you think Cas is acting different lately?"

Dean's heart skips a beat. "Different?"

Sam's frowning at the floor. "Yeah.. like at dinner the other night. You didn't think that was kinda weird.. even for him? Ordering for you?"

Dean shrugs and pretends to read but only stares at the same sentence.

"Don't be freaked out, but I think he has some kind of crush on you."

"What?!" Dean's heart plummets to his toes.

"C'mon.. the whole profound bond thing and now he's showing up like all the time."

"Jesus Sammy, the guy can't show up unless we need him for something?"

"You know that's not what I meant. I'm just saying you might want to have a talk with him about it before it gets out of hand. But don't be a prick. He's probably new to experiencing feelings like that for someone.. though having them for you might scar him." Sam punched his brother's shoulder and chuckled.

Dean laughed obligatory and thought he might be sick. Unexpectedly faced with Sam noticing.. circling around the truth.. he didn't know how to act. He felt paralyzed. This had gone too far.

"Hey, why don't you invite him out with us tonight. We're still going to that bar in town, right?'

Sam was going to see them together and know. When he was alone with Cas they were in their own little world and now everything was going to be up front and center. He couldn't just be this person who kissed and.. messed around with another guy. An angel.. but an angel in a guy. And the things he let Cas do to him, the things he imagined them doing later..

Well fuck. He had to call him now with Sam so insistent on having a little angelic intervention and if nothing else warn him. He just needed to steer clear of the younger Winchester who was far too goddamn observant.

When Sam gets up to go to the bathroom, Dean walks into the middle of the room and starts praying quickly.

(Cas, I need to talk to you, but S-) and before he can get to "but Sam is here" he's caught up in Cas' hold. His fingers curling in his hair, behind his neck. Tongue licking into his mouth. Dean gives back as good as he's getting for a few seconds before he remembers...

His eyes widen and he shoves Cas away from him as hard as he can. Sam had just opened the door out of the corner of his eye.

"Dammit, Cas! Personal Space! How many goddamn times I gotta say it?!"

Cas looks startled, hurt and unsure for the first time in a long while.

Sam's looking between them awkwardly before clearing his throat and says, "Hi Cas." Castiel only flicks his eyes to him a moment before returning his stare to Dean saying, "Hello, Sam."

Dean is glaring angrily at the floor and the silence is going beyond uncomfortable now. He's almost positive Sam didn't see them kiss, just Dean pushing Cas back hard from far too close. If he'd walked out a second sooner..

"Hey, we're going to this bar tonight in town if you want to-" Sam tries to break the tension but Dean cuts him off abruptly.

"Cas, I need to talk to you outside."

Dean walks to the door, not looking at the angel as he brushes past. He doesn't wait to see if he follows and keeps walking until he's well into the parking lot, almost to the road.

After a few moments, he sees Cas' figure close the motel room door gently. There's a momentary whip of the wind and he's right in front of him.

"Dean, I didn't know-"

"Stop." He turns away and takes a breath.

This must be what a heart attack is like. He hasn't ever thought about Sam knowing and now with the very real threat of him just stumbling upon them.. he wants an abort mission button.

He didn't know how to answer any of the questions that Sam would have if he'd come out two seconds earlier. Or seen them at the restaurant. Or rolled over in bed that night. This had just gone too damn far.

"I didn't know Sam had returned."

Dean's silent.

"I'm sorry, Dean. I know you are.. upset but nothing has changed."

Dean reels around and Cas flinches as he barks, "That's just it Cas, this is getting too easy! We can't do this 24/7. I'm forgetting.. I didn't want something.."

"I don't understand." Cas face is scrunched up in weariness.

"I can't do this anymore." Dean says finally.

Cas moves forward and Dean takes a step back.

"Just stop. This isn't going to happen anymore."

"Dean, I didn't realize you were not alone," he says again like it'll change anything.. erase the last fifteen minutes.

Dean's about to walk away when Cas says,"I don't understand what you are so afraid of."

He stops and works at putting venom into his voice he knows he can when he wants to cut with his words. He's done it to Sam a time or two and he let's it free now.

"Cas, I'm a freaking hunter. The only thing I'm afraid of is killing my brother if I go Mr. Hyde, which is all I ever asked you to help me with."

He ignores Cas hurt frown and welcomes the cold anger that will push aside all the guilt over what he's going to say next. He needs Cas to go away. Now. He doesn't want to need him.. want him anymore.

"Now if I wanna go get too drunk tonight and find some lonely chick at a bar to bang then I'm gonna do it and you know why?

Cas' jaw is clenched and meeting his eyes physically hurts but he forces himself to finish.

"Because you're not my boyfriend or some shit. I don't wanna be thinking about letting you down. I sure as hell don't want a relationship. We had some fun and now we're -it's- over."

Cas hasn't said anything. He turned to face the road.

"I'm sorry." Dean whispers and he knows it's such a stupid and insufficient thing to say.

He walks away and doesn't look back but his fists ball so his nails cut deep into his palms.

+++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++

He feels like a complete and utter shit but Dean's here with Sam anyway. He wishes Cas would have said something mean. Yelled at him because that he could handle. Called him a coward or beat him unconscious but no he'd just apologized for Sam and then went silent when Dean had his freakout.

Dean wasn't sure how long he'd stayed out there after he left. He made himself go into the bathroom and turn on the shower. He sat on the toilet lid and just stared at the wall. The last time him and Cas were.. together.. was in that same bathroom. It was Cas own fault, he knew Dean was crap at this. He was going to screw up eventually one way or another though it had taken him by surprise how quickly. He woke up that morning pretty happy and by lunch he felt completely lost.

Fuck it. He was tired of being sad. Dean was going to get good and wasted and find something warm to bury himself in. Someone convenient and uncomplicated.

Sam had started talking to a blonde sorority type about philosophy or some crap. He was on his third shot of Hennessy and starting to survey the room for options when he caught sight of the last person he expected or wanted to see.

Dean pushed off his stool and weaved his way through the crowd until he turned Cas around by the arm.

"What the hell are you doing here, Cas?"

The angel looked so out of place, especially with it being about 85 in here with all the bodies and him in the trenchcoat and all.

"At the motel, before.. Sam said I should come have some 'fun'."" Cas manages to sound stoic and defensive at the same time. "Since you no longer want to have fun with me, I thought I would find alternative means."

Dean locks his jaw and feels it tick. "Fine. Have fun," he says with sarcasm and walks away.

In that creeper outfit.. Good luck. Also social interaction was not Cas' best thing. Maybe some rejection would be good for him.

Dean finds a random tan dark-haired hottie that had been giving him the eye and buys her a drink. The sooner he's out of here the better.

He forces himself to not keep track of the angel and instead concentrates on cupping the ass of the young girl that's grinding against him like it's the main event.

As it turns out, he didn't even last the hour. His hand is groping up her leg and around again when he starts searching out Cas through the crowd.

He misses him twice because he wasn't wearing his familiar trenchcoat. Or his suit jacket. In fact, the sleeves of his white dress shirt are rolled up to his elbows. He's at the bar and the coats are slumped over the chair he's turned to the side.. facing some Corporate Douchebag. Who the fuck was that?

From what Dean can see, he's wearing a suit too, dark blonde with artfully buzzed facial hair. The guy is playing with Cas' tie as he moves in to say something too close. Cas is smiling like a sinner, rubbing the back of his neck almost bashful as he says something back. Son-of-a-bitch, he's flirting. Sitting next to them in bars.. he must have picked up a trick or two. All Cas ever does is people watch. He freezes as he sees Cas find his eyes for a second and smile as he puts his hand on Wall Street reject's upper thigh.

Dean has long since stopped dancing and the girl is trying to regain his attention by gyrating against him.

..The guy's hand is sliding up Cas' slacks and Cas turns to make eye contact with him once more with a little head tilt.

He must have moved but it seems as though he teleported halfway across the packed space.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Dean shouts at Cas but he is standing evenly between them, hoping Corporate Asshole gives him a reason.

"Hey, back off buddy." The guy is holding up his hand like he's fucking protecting Cas.

Dean shoves him almost off his stool. Damn he wished he'd fallen in his expensive suit. "Why don't you back off, dick?"

"Problem, Dean?" Cas raises his eyebrows. The fucker.

"Is this jackass with you or something?" the guy, who's nose he will probably break within a few minutes, says. Dean is about to shove him again but stops when Cas speaks.

"No. I don't have a boyfriend." He says with a small smile and his eyebrows arch like he doesn't know exactly what he's doing.

When did Cas get dangerous?

"Good. So can you leave us alone now? Go sleep it off, man." He fucking reaches up to stroke Cas' chin and turn him back to face him.

Dean yanks the guy away from the stools.. and Cas.. to punch him right on his perfect chin.

Sam is taking a drink from his beer and looks up from talking with the blonde as Dean is dragged out the back door by the bouncer.

"What happened?!"

Cas answers, following in tow and carrying his coats over his arm.

"I believe we are going to go work on Dean's anger problem."

Dean doesn't hear what else is said because he's being thrown out on to gravel. He's up and fighting as Cas and him are left alone in the cold night air.

He grabs fist-fulls of Cas's shirt to slam him into the brick wall. The angel laughs and Cas lets him do it once more before he flips their positions. He roughly kisses him hard and quick and is still smiling big.

"Dammit Cas, you make me insane."

He's biting his lip and licking into his mouth. "I thought I was supposed to be helping with that."

Dean pants and feels dizzy from how little he's breathing between their bruising kisses. "I think I traded one crazy for another. Shit, I wanted to kill that prick when you touched him."

"Mmm." Cas is making small happy sounds and making his way wetly across his jaw to behind his ear. "So you don't want me to touch another man's thigh?"

He whimpers when Cas bites down a bit.

"You know I don't."

"Were you not touching that woman's thigh?" he says into his ear and he's running his hand over Dean's thigh now like he did earlier with Corporate Asshole but this time he dips down between his legs. Cas is rubbing over and over his stiff cock and sucking on his neck like he's catnip.

"Fuck! Who cares about that woman?" Dean's arching against Cas. Tilting his neck with eyes closed to give him even more access.

Cas pulls back to stare at him,abruptly. He steps back, breaking all contact completely.

"I care."

One minute he's there and the next he's not. It takes a full minute for Dean to process what just happened. He slowly let's his head drop back against the wall and tries to steady his thudding heart.

No matter how hard he prays, curses or yells at the night sky.. Cas doesn't come back.


	11. Tasting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean knows he doesn't have the words to fix this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a bit late. Weekends are not my most productive of times. Still with me?

The first week he holds on to his self-righteous anger pretty hard. If Cas wants to flit off and ignore him then fine. Great. That's what he wanted anyway. He did okay without him for over 30 years. And he hasn't flipped his crazy switch in a while either so fuck him. 

Sam asks about that night and he tells him he got in a fight with a random drunk asshole. He adds 'Corporate Douchebag' internally. After they take out a Wendigo, he asks if him and Cas are okay again and Dean just shrugs.

The next week he starts to go over their fight. Word for word. Mostly all the shit he said. Cas' face before he turned away outside the motel. Cas' hand on someone else's leg. Cas' tie between someone else's fingers. Finally Cas' face when he pulled back from making out with him hot and heavy out behind the bar. 

The third week Dean just misses him. He bites the bullet and starts to pray. Cas never answers. He didn't really expect him to. At night he stares at the ceiling and keeps up a one-way conversation. What they're doing. What state they're driving through. What monster they're tracking. What stupid shit him and Sam fought about in the car. Finally.. that he's sorry. 

He begins to wonder if maybe Cas won't come back. It would probably be better for the angel in the long run, honestly. Dean can't help feeling sick at that thought, anyway. He ends up pouring himself more and more whiskey at night when he can't shut off his head.

The fourth week Dean has to start cutting again. He feels the black eagerness begin to roll back in and look for openings. The two vengeful spirits they take out by salt and burning them don't even begin to satisfy it. He needs to see blood.. so he cuts his own arm. Above the sleeve line, high up, so it won't freak out his brother.. who already keeps asking him if he's okay.

He sits out in the Impala and whispers Cas' name with the final slice like some kind of morbid tribute. It feeds the dark, greedy shadows in him like a tiny death. They lick their lips and stare at him with shiny eyes.. waiting for more. Always more. Never quite enough.

When Sam tries to joke with him now, he laughs but doesn't give anything back. He's quiet. He drinks until he can sleep. Or passes out trying. The motel rooms blend together, he leaves little deaths behind him. Either the monsters or his and he feels himself growing cold and looking for a reason to give in but Sam's always there. 

When he prays now he just says Cas' name. 

He's driving down an empty road for no other reason than he can't sleep, again. The whispers are louder when he's in bed. They love the quiet dark. Fester in it.

Cas is just suddenly there, like the old days.. sitting next to him and staring ahead like nothing. 

"Cas?!" He swerves before he's able to right the car again and pull off the deserted road.

The angel glances at him once and then stares straight ahead again without speaking. 

The dead engine ticks in the silence.

Dean didn't know what to say first now that he was here.

"Look, I'm sorry ok? I screwed up. I get that you're pissed." He's talking too fast. "Don't leave again."

"I'm not here to listen to your apology." Cas says evenly.

"What more do you want from me? I said I'm sorry over and over again when you were off ignoring me."

"I understand you are sorry."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you are selfish and unevolved,even for a human.. but it seems I am unable to just leave you as you are."

Dean is quiet, watching Cas look out at the empty night. 

"I do not want to think about you." Cas says without emotion.

They're silent for a long time. Dean knows he doesn't have the words to fix this. He waits another minute with his heart hammering and inches his hand across the seat until his fingers hit Cas'. When Cas doesn't pull away, he covers them to clasp tightly.

This small connection for them.. skin to skin after what seemed like.. It was like finally breaking the surface when he'd been held under water for so long he thought he'd drown. Relief floods him and he feels stupidly like sobbing.

Cas looks down at their hands, then at Dean.

"I'll come for you tomorrow."

He doesn't leave.

Dean tries again, "I know I'm a mess and I don't deserve anything from you."

"That's accurate."

"Please Cas, I'm trying here.."

"And how long before your next crisis?"

That was fair. Dean didn't know how to answer and it showed. 

'It doesn't matter. I'm only here to help you."

They're still linked by their hands and Dean knows he is pushing his luck but with Cas finally in front of him.. he doesn't want him to leave yet.

"I missed you."

Cas' fingers uncurl from his and he takes back his hand.

"And what did you miss, Dean?" He said to the windshield. He wasn't going to make this easy.

Dean sighs and tries to shake loose some courage. He wrestled with monsters in the dark on a regular basis but putting this into words had his voice shaking. He hated talking about his feelings but for Cas he would try. After another minute of heavy silence, he starts.

"I miss how you never get any of my jokes, which is dumb but I do." He paused. "The way you say my name.. especially when you're about to.. Uh.. I miss how your fingers feel in my hair.." He swallows "when you're pulling it." 

Dean glances up from fidgeting with the keyring to see Cas is looking at him now and forces himself to say a bit more but can't move his eyes from the radio dial. Shit, this was embarrassing. 

"How you know when to kiss and when to bite. I really miss your hands." He's lost in a hot memory of soapy fingers for a moment. Dean blushes and laughs once. "I miss how you sometimes look at me like I'm your whole goddamn world or something."

Cas acted like he was worth way more than he knew he was. He doesn't deserve his looks or his faith. He called him beautiful for Christ's sake..

Dean is lost in thought when Cas' fingers curve around his neck. He's too close moving them slowly together. Lips touch tentatively. It's sweet and perfect and without hurry. Not frantic as it could be between them. God, he wants to roll around in the feeling of this. Dean is suddenly so glad he didn't lose him.

Cas pulls back. With eyes closed and his forehead against Dean's he says "Sleep. I will return in the morning." 

And he's gone.

+++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++

They're circling each other in another random forest clearing. He's been getting knocked down for hours but the dark over-eager things inside him are curiously quiet. Lulled to sleep. No matter how many times he eats the dirt, he's just too damn happy to be doing this again with Cas. He only gets barely there flickers that never catch.

Dean doubles over, hands on knees and can see Cas' frown. And it's fucking great to even see Cas' frown again. 

"C'mon," he breathes hard. "Don't I get points for effort?"

"You're not concentrating."

Cas stops too close to him and Dean can't help it when he sees an opening as Cas looks back to see where the sun is at.

Dean barrels into him until they connect with a wide oak a few feet behind the angel.

Cas is surprised as Dean doesn't move to strike but goes in to rub his lips over his neck. Cas has always been the one to iniate.

"C'mon, wasn't I good?"

"You were too good," he says a little breathy. Cas pushes forward and with a flutter and whoosh of air, he's the one against another tree, Cas' body caging his own.

"You believe you should be rewarded for being distracted?" Cas eyes are darkening as he takes in Dean's face, an inch away from his. He grabs hair at the top of Dean's head with his right hand and pulls. Both Dean's hands shoot up to clasp his wrist. He winces and makes a little involuntary groan in his throat. 

Dean's shirt rides up when his arms lift. He sucks in air through his gritted teeth and closes his eyes.

Not loosening his hold, Cas drops his eyes to the exposed skin of his stomach. Then he drags his fingers over it and traces the top of Dean's jeans.

"Wait." Dean gasps.

"Wait?" Cas doesn't look up but pops the button.

Dean tries to think past the thrill of Cas getting all aggressive after so long. He wants to let him take over but Cas is always the one steering.. pushing forward and Dean just lets it happen. He wants to give back, wants to give him something.. a small step forward for him (though it feels like the length of a canyon). He can at least try.

Dean drops his hands to cover the one Cas has going for his zipper. He tenses and releases Dean's hair immediately. Before Cas can get the wrong idea, Dean reaches up to put his hands on his shoulders.

He stays that way for a full minute and Cas' eyebrows furrow in confusion.

"Dean?"

Dean buys some time to gather his courage by moving his hands under the trenchcoat to push it off his angel's shoulders. Then does the same with the suit jacket. Cas still seems confused but waits for him, face less weary and more bemused.

Dean turns them so Cas' is back against the tree. 

He doesn't have the stomach to just drop to his knees. Maybe if he started with kissing. Cas waits and Dean leans in to kiss his neck. He tilts his head and Dean concentrates on making his own little mark. He sucks Cas' skin into his mouth and feels Cas lift off the tree a bit. He keeps at it a while, unknotting the tie to pull it off, then reaching up to unbutton his shirt. Following the path of his fingers, he kisses a slow open-mouthed path downward.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Cas raise his hands before he fists them and drops them back to his side. Dean smiles into the skin he's dragging his lips and teeth along. Cas is struggling to remain still and allow Dean to explore. It seems now that he's got a taste of control, it's hard for him to sit passive. Good. That urges Dean on. It's helping with the nerves. 

He's midway down his chest, hands holding onto a lean muscled torso and would usually be preoccupied with a chick's fleshy tits. One of his more adventurous conquests had tried to get him into letting her bite and pinch his nipples. If he'd been honest, some of it was kinda hot. He gave Cas' right one a quick pass of his flattened tongue. That gets a little noise and Dean tries to make him repeat it. 

He could do this. He would do this. He bites the skin above his belt now that the shirt is all the way open and untucked. 

Dean is to his knees before he realizes it and undoes the belt at face level. The button. The zipper that seems obscenely loud.

He looks up to Cas for the first time since he began his descent. Cas' breathing has picked up and the look in his eyes makes Dean's semi-hard cock stiffen and twitch. Cas staring down at him does awesome things to his dick.

He finally pulls down the pants and briefs all together. Dean's hands grip Cas' naked hips, skin white from where his fingers are pressing in too hard.

Fuck, why did he ask to do this? Cas never asked him. He could have gone on as they were. Comfortable. But here he was on his knees staring at a dude's dick like a bitch. But it wasn't just some dude it was Cas.

"Dean." Fingers stroked through his hair, calming him. He looked up.

"You don't have to do this."

"No. I want to. I'm just.. shit, I don't know what the hell I'm doing." 

When Dean would have looked away, Cas' fingers tighten to keep his head facing up at him.

"Do you want me to help you?"

A wave of relief washes away the panic. Not knowing exactly what he meant, he still nods. He just needs Cas to take back some control now. 

When Cas' fingers tighten again to get a better grip, Dean's eyes roll back a bit. Cas is grabbing his exposed cock by the base and moving Dean's head a little forward.

Before Dean can think about letting the anxiety back in, Cas pushes his pink head past Dean's already parted lips. Then immediately back out to trace the outside of his mouth. Precum and his own saliva are left behind where he rubs.

"I believe my Father made your lips for this moment."

Cas version of dirty talk should have made him snap out of the fog of lust he was drowning in. He basically had just said his mouth was made for cock-sucking, but with pressure on the back of his head and Cas' small noises.. those words made him want to cream his pants without being touched. 

Dean squeezes Cas' thighs as he's pulled forward again. This time he curls his tongue along the underside of his shaft when Cas' pulls his head back. Cas moans deeply and Dean loves the power he's getting over him. 

He lets Dean move off him for a second to breathe. He grins and says "I didn't know Angels of the Lord made noises like that." 

Cas tongue darts out to wet his lips, dry from panting. "Finish opening your pants. I want you to pleasure yourself."

He only gives Dean a few seconds to quickly pull out his own stiff cock before he's shoving his wet dick back into his mouth. Cas groans loudly.

Worrying over what he's doing is impossible when he's coasting on the good feelings of jerking his dick fast and Cas' forcing him down over and over again. He sucked hard, cheeks caving everytime Cas' withdraws. He feels the fingers in his hair release and clench harder, rhythm faltering. 

He cums at Cas' feet not long after that, dick still sliding between his puffy lips. He watches Cas' above him, trying to keep up suction when he's shuddering from release. Cas' eyes are averted to the sky and it almost looks like he's praying when his eyes keep closing. Cas is beautiful like this. Before Dean can start panicking about how he was supposed to handle the next part (Does he spit it out? Pull back before?) the decision is taken away from him. 

Cas cups his cheek with his left hand, other still tight in his hair. Gentle but firm. He's held in place, dick throbbing on his tongue as he swallows it down. He didn't have time to freak out. It was over.

Cas pants as he releases Dean's head and falls to his knees in front of him. Cas eyes are drugged and leans forward to brace his hands on Dean's shoulders. He kisses his bruised lips gently.

"If I were not an angel.. I would worry that I was dying." He looks shaken, still gasping.

Dean gets a shot of pride and cups his face to catch his next gasp with his mouth.

"You taste kinda sweet." He says against his lips.


	12. Marking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is to give you something to focus on.

They both fix most of their clothing and sit back on the grass across from each other. Dean can't help getting distracted by the little purplish souvenir he left behind on Cas' neck. It looks so out of place. Blatant. Cas' clothes and appearance are almost always the exact same so the eye is immediately drawn to it. At least his is.

Cas lets out a small laugh, realizing what he's staring at. "After that, what you are preoccupied with is burst blood vessels?"

Dean smiles shyly and moves to stare at the grass. Cas tilts his head until he catches Dean's eyes again. 

"Thank you, Dean. It was very hard not to become overwhelmed too quickly. You are.." he reaches up to cup Dean's flushed cheek. "..a miracle."

"Yeah alright alright, enough of that." Dean can't take the reverence on Cas' face so he tries to distract him with something he'd been meaning to ask anyway.

"Hey, how come you always seem to swoop in when I'm about to go all 'one-flew-over-the-cuckoo's-nest'? You could you tell I wasn't really into it today,right?" 

Cas dropped his hand. "My mark."

"You used a hickey as my mood ring?" Dean rubs his neck self-consciously, the previous dark smudge almost completely gone.

Cas frowns. "No. The mark I left on you when I raised you out of Hell."

Dean suppresses a shiver at the instant stream of pain, torture, and screams he gets behind his eyelids.  
"But it's gone.." He says with eyes closed for a second.

"I only healed the surface scar from where I touched you in my true form. Your soul still carries it, imprinted."

Dean doesn't know what to think about that exactly so he doesn't say anything. Cas continues. "When you are one with the darkness, it is as if I can no longer feel you. As you lose yourself, I in turn lose your frequency."

They're silent as Dean takes that in. He's instantly sick with fear because he knows exactly what he means. He's felt himself fading away, being replaced. Now that Cas put words to it.. that's exactly what almost happened, more than once.

Dean furrows his brow and feels his chest tighten. Cas looks at him a long moment, then says, "I will always come for you, Dean." 

He slides his hand up under Dean's sleeve to cover his shoulder where his hand print used to be. Dean winces and Cas frowns before yanking up his sleeve.

Angry red cuts mar his skin from when he'd carved into his own flesh. It had quieted the churning blackness inside him.. for a while. They stand out and shock the eye in the bright afternoon light.

Cas traces them lightly with a fingertip. "I did not leave these."

Dean shrugs and says carefully, "No, I had to.. stop it."

"Have you had to do this before?" Worry and anger are etched all over his expression. 

"A few times. It's no big deal. It helps sometimes."

All the awe and lazy happiness has been pulled right out of Cas' face. He had a hard look now as he eyes the self-inflicted wounds.

"Do you trust me, Dean?"

He makes one more pass with his fingers and the marks are healed instantly.

"I guess. Why?"

"I need you to be certain." He is sitting up.

"Yeah Cas. After all you and me been through.. you know I trust you."

After studying Dean's face, he pulls his belt out of the loops in his pants.

"Whoa. I'm so not up for another round, yet."

"Bite down on this." 

Dean eyes the belt he's holding out skeptically. When Cas just waits, he rolls his eyes and grabs it.

"Now, give me your knife."

He hands over the bowie he always has with him, hilt first. Cas takes it and raises his eyebrows at the belt until Dean brings it to his mouth. As he sinks his teeth into the leather, he watches Cas slice open his palm. The angel meets his eyes once more before quickly laying his heavily bleeding wound over Dean's left wrist.

For a second nothing happens. Dean's unimpressed and about to spit out the belt because he feels ridiculous. 

Suddenly, there's a bright light leaking out from between their sealed skin. Dean clenches his jaw down and tries to focus on not passing out. He immediately tries to jerk back but Cas holds his hand down with his free hand. Palm to palm, like they're holding hands but his is spasming with pain. Short bursts of noise are escaping his mouth from around the obstruction. The intense searing sensation begins to ease then dull after a few seconds.

Dean expects to see a burnt, bloody patch where his wrist used to be when the hand pulls back but instead there's a curved symbol in what looks like dark red ink. About two inches by two inches. He reaches out to touch it with a shaky hand. A faint warmth is still emanating from it.

"It means Obey in Enochian."

Dean almost chokes on his rage. The malevolent things inside him perk up. 

"You did some kind of angel mojo and put a bitch brand on me?"

Cas who had been breathing hard turned to him with his own angry, hurt eyes.

"No, Dean. You're not an angel so it won't have any effect."

"Then, why the hell-"

"It's to give you something to focus on. When you are overcome by your anger, look at my sigil and know.." He hesitates and looks like he thought better on it before continuing. "..my will. Fight it because I want you to. You will not cut your own skin again." Dean shivered when Cas pushed some command into his voice for the last part.

He looked down at it now and it felt as if Cas was still holding his wrist. It comforted him which was crazy. But then he could be crazy at times so..maybe this made sense.

Dean traces the lines and blows out a breath. It looks like two fancy E's, back to back with a pointed line through their middles connecting them. Weird to feel humbled by it. Like he'd been given a strange gift. Something of Cas' to take with him.

"Thanks, Cas." He doesn't meet his eyes.

Cas shifts until he's right in front of Dean and puts his thumb over the mark. Dean follows his hand up until he's staring into blue eyes. The angel seems almost timid now. Dean smiles when he feels his thumb begin to rub a circle over and over the mark.

He grabs his tie and pulls him forward by it, kissing him hard until they're both breathless.

"Really, thanks."

 

+++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++

 

Dean doesn't make it five feet in the door when Sam starts in on him.

"Okay, what's up."

"Huh?"

Shit. He'd made sure to keep his wrist at his side when he walked in. As soon as Sam was busy he was gonna make a bee-line for his black thick-banned watch.

"What's going on with you and Cas?"

"What do you mean?" Sam gave him one of his best annoyed bitch-faces. 

"He takes you off for hours and you come back looking half dead."

"Sammy, I told you-"

"Yeah I know. He's helping. Well it doesn't seem to be working. You're day drinking and mentally checking out half the time. Now he's back and everything's fine again. Business as usual?" He gestures to him, pursing his lips. "Bruises and all?"

"Give me a break, okay. I'm fine. I'm doing good now. Really.. really good."

Dean didn't know what else to say. How does he explain to his little brother that he liked Cas getting rough with him. He couldn't even say he liked kissing him.. let alone all the rest of it.The fighting had turned into some kind of fucked up foreplay.

Sam sighed angrily. "Dean, are you sure you can trust him?"

That makes Dean's ears red after Cas said those very words to him not an hour ago. He wills himself not to look at the inside of his arm on reflex.

"What are you trying to get at?"

"You said so yourself, we don't know how he got out of Purgatory."

He had said that but it was kinda the last thing on his mind lately.

"You trust me?" Dean countered. 

Sam rolled his eyes. 'Yeah, but-"

"You trust me and I trust him." Dean says like that's the end of it.

"We've been through this before with Cas. You didn't see it then either."

"Yeah, I've been through it with you before too. Would you have wanted me to throw in the towel then? We've all done our share of stupid shit."

Sam just stares at him. Okay siding with Crowley and becoming God was a special brand of "stupid shit" but when you're family.. it didn't seem to matter. Sam had let Lucifer out of his cage and started the Apocalypse. Dean broke the first seal in Hell. They were always fucking up on a cosmic scale but all they had was each other. 

"Let me see your arm," he says coldly.

Shit shit shit.

"What? No! Why?"

Sam takes a step forward and Dean one backwards.

"Dammit, Dean! What the fuck is on your wrist?" 

"It's just.. It's something to help me deal during our hunts."

"What like a smoker's patch? Jesus, what's the matter with you?"

"Please will you just trust me. I'm a big boy."

They're quiet for a minute. 

"Look.. no judgement, okay. You never used to- you're different. He's gone for a few weeks and you go like comatose." 

Damn, Sam was getting pretty close to the mark and he needed this fight to be over so he could think.

"I just.. um. need him." Dean looks away. "To help me come out the other side of this." He walks off to get his shower and Sam doesn't stop him.

While he's trying to calm down and feeling like shit from arguing with Sam.. he traces the mark he hadn't been able to look at for almost an hour. It helped. He felt his lips twitch up in a small smile. Closing his eyes, he imagined Cas' thumb rubbing it instead of his. Cas' hand on his neck, comforting. He shook his head and rolled his eyes to the ceiling. Maybe he had changed but he couldn't make himself give this up even if he wanted to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Enochian Sigil is the idea that this fic started with. Everything else kinda branched out from there. Love to all my followers and especially anyone that takes the time to comment. I might have a co-dependent relationship with you.. hope you're cool with that.. (o:`,


	13. Rising

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If he let himself go.. there wouldn't be anything left.

Dean reluctantly prays to Cas that night to tell him he needs some time alone with Sam. He assumes he heard because he doesn't show up again. Dean finds himself checking his wrist for the sigil every once and a while to make sure it's still there.

Him and Sam waste the next few days mostly on the road. There's a case in Tucson where all signs point to a demon. It's arctic between them at first but the longer they're cooped up, the more the tension leaks out. They're at least talking by the time they land in town.

After they spend the day running down leads, they manage to track down their target in a two story house in the suburbs. A demon, currently setting up shop in a sweet elderly librarian. Glasses with one of those gold chains and a graying bun.. the whole nine yards. Except for her eyes.

She hisses as Dean lunges with his knife. She spins away and manages to knock Sam on his ass at the same time. Dean grabs for her and when he gets her in a headlock she bites down, almost taking a chunk out.

"Ahh! You black-eyed bitch!" he growls and flings her down.

She.. it(he reminds himself).. laughs with his blood on its mouth.

"Mmm.. Hunter. The other white meat. Come on, baby. I'm still hungry."  
It sounded so wrong in that matronly voice.

Sam comes up behind it but tips it off when a board creaks in the old wooden floor. It grabs a hold of him to send him flying towards the wall.

Dean knocks its feet out from under it and rides it to the ground. It struggles and spits but he has the demon-killing knife pressing tight into its throat.

"Still want some of this, Grandma Ugly?"

His arm was throbbing where it had sunk its blunt teeth in down to muscle. Time stopped for a second as he watched blood trickle down from the wound to splash on its face below.

Teeth, that look too straight not to be dentures, snap and it licks around its mouth suggestively. His blood was on its tongue.

Dean grimaces and tries to shake the image of cutting out its milky eyes that are darting all over him wildly. If his arm would just stop pulsing with pain and pushing more blood out everywhere..and if this fucking piece of demon shit would stop egging him on..

He's going to cut off every piece of its skin his blood touched if it licks its lips one more time..

Dean catches the end of the red curved mark on his wrist. Keeping the pressure against its neck, he twists his arm just a little towards him so he can see it fully. 

Cas.

If he let himself go.. there wouldn't be anything left. Nothing left for Cas to touch. To kiss. To nip with his teeth and smile at like he's been doing more of lately than he'd ever done in all the years he'd known him.

Breathing out through his nose and without looking at the thing beneath him, he stabs downwards quickly.

It howls. With a flash like popping electricity and sulfur thick in the air, it was dead.

"You ok?" Sam asks from behind him.

Dean got up and wrapped his arm with a torn piece of his shirt.

"No thanks to you, Sleeping Beauty."

Sam laughs with relief. "Jerk."

Dean feels pretty damn good and hardly notices the pain in his arm anymore.

"Bitch."

+++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++

Things are almost normal between them again as they stop for dinner. Sam is still chuckling when the plump cheeked waitress in her 40s comes by again. 

"Did ya save room for dessert, guys?"

"Just coffee, please." Sam says.

She turns to Dean. "How 'bout you, hun? We got Key-lime, Cherry or Apple Pie and Coffee or Chocolate Cake."

Dean feels an absurd blush creep over his cheeks. It's as if he could feel Cas' hand in his lap. Sam's face was blank now.

"Um, apple pie sounds awesome. Thanks."

"You got it." She jots it down on her pad and hurries away.

When he turns his eyes back from the departing waitress, he sees Sam is staring at his watch. He imagines the symbol could burn through the band with how intensely they're both thinking about it just then.

Dean clears his throat and grabs his drink just to move his arm out of Sam's sight.

Sam looks at the table before saying, "Hey, why don't you invite Cas out tomorrow?"

Well that was the last thing he was expecting.

"Really?"

"Yeah, why not? You said I can trust him, right?"

'Well yeah.."

"Good. So tomorrow. Burgers. I'm buyin'. Well.. technically Agent McCartney is buying."

Dean knows this is probably a bad idea but can't see an easy way out of it. Besides he did kinda miss seeing his angel.

"Okay, cool."

His pie comes and he can't quite shake the memory of the stupid cake.

 

That night he prays and tells Cas where they'll be if he can make it. He makes sure to add that it's burgers and smiles at the thought of Cas saying how happy they made him.

 

Sam and him sit down at a Red Robin that boasts 32 different types of hamburgers and endless fries.

A few minutes later, Cas appears on Dean's right in the booth next to him. Besides almost giving him a heart attack, he gets a quick,ridiculous shot of excitement.

He's basically turning into a girl.

"Hey Cas."

Cas smiles. "Hello Dean." Turning, he says, "Hello Sam."

Sam doesn't smile but does say, "Castiel."

"Thank you for inviting me to join you for dinner."

"No problem. Just like old times right, Cas?" Sam says sounding sarcastic and without looking up from his menu.

Well hopefully Cas wouldn't get the sarcasm anyway.

"Dude, I don't know why you even bother. You know you're just gonna get rabbit food."

"Eh, maybe not."

Cas takes almost 20 minutes to decide because he keeps switching his choice. Finally he orders the Hawaiian Burger. Dean gets the Cowboy BBQ Burger. Sam orders a Cobb Salad.

They eat in silence for a while. After they've gone through a few beers and most of their dinner, Dean laughs, "For a guy that doesn't need to eat, you sure can put away your cow."

Grinning, Cas licks his thumb of the last of the ketchup and glances at him.

Dean wonders if he's purposely trying to remind him of when he licked his cum off that thumb.

Cas raises an eyebrow. Yeah, he probably knows what he's doing.

"So Cas, how's it been going with you and Dean?"

The angel's eyes widen and he quickly looks at Sam. "What do you mean?"

"Like how much longer you guys gonna be doing.. whatever it is you're doing?"

"I believe we are making progress.. to a certain degree."

Sam sneers, "Yeah, I've seen your progress all over Dean."

"Sammy." Dean says in warning. Cas just frowns.

"You doubt that I am trying to help your brother?"

"I don't know what you're doing but helping seems to be pretty far from it."

"Sam!" 

Sam sighs. "Anyone want a refill?" He walks off before giving either of them a chance to answer.

"Sorry about that," Dean mutters.

"Sam believes I would harm you?"

"Yeah I don't know. He just doesn't like to see me banged up."

Dean starts to feel uncomfortable. He knows he's getting closer and closer to needing to have a very awkward talk with Sam but it makes him nauseous to even think about. So he usually just tries not to think about it.

Sam doesn't return when he gets his new beer but stays up at the bar, sipping it.

"I don't like that he is bothered by my presence now.. but I understand it is necessary so that you feel safe."

Well now he feels like a selfish shit. 

"It's not that easy. I just can't come out and tell him.."

"About me." Cas looks away.

He hears the unspoken "us." Dammit. Dean can't say anything that'll make any difference right now. He searches for anything to fill the rapidly growing silence. 

"Hey.. um Sam asked me something the other day and I wanted to give you your space until you were ready.."

"Ask me." Cas says still facing the window.

"How'd you bust outta Purgatory?"

That had Cas turning back to him with an unexpectedly big smile.

"My Father."

"God? You found Him?!"

"He found me."

Dean shifts completely towards him. "What happened?"

"I was fighting off several Leviathan and would have most assuredly been devoured within minutes.."

That brings back the awful memory of Cas' fingers slipping out of his and he pushes it back down.

"Then that ever grey sky just..brightened. I would imagine it would be as if you were to stare into the sun without end. In a moment, the Leviathan had vanished."

"They got spooked and ran?"

"No, disappeared as if they had never been. I knew it was Him. I began to weep and beg forgiveness for my many errors on Earth and Heaven. Suddenly, it was as if the warm light was all around me. In me. I never heard him speak, but I knew he forgave me."

"And..?"

"And then I was walking down a road, filthy and lost."

"That's it? Nothing about, oh his angel's little homicidal mutiny and the Apoca-Hell? Or if he was ever going to pop in from Figi or wherever the hell he's been vacationing?"

"Dean, I'm not entirely sure my head would not have vaporized if he had chosen to speak to me as he was."

"Cas, that's bullshit. He saves you again and then just-"

"Dean, Stop. I'm at peace with it. And Him."

Dean bites his tongue and drinks half his beer in one swallow. He feels Cas' hand cover his, down on the seat between them. His fingers push so they are inbetween Dean's.

Dean smiled at the table and says, "Your little angel stamp worked."

"Tell me." Cas says while looking down at their hands.

"I was close to losing it. Demon took a bite right outta me. It brought me back."

Cas has a small smile. "Good."

"So uh, when do you want to.. work on it some more?" They both knew what he's asking.

"I'll come tomorrow, unless you need more time alone with Sam?

"I'm sure he'll survive a few hours on his own."

Sam is walking back towards them and he slides his hand out from under Cas' slowly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So slight divergence as I kinda hated Naomi but couldn't leave Cas' Purgatory escape unanswered. It would have bothered me too much. I can't sleep so there will most likely be another chapter out in a few hours. Stay with me, kids.


	14. Pushing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All and all.. it was a pretty great day.

The next day he's trying not to appear antsy around Sam. He was already back to acting bitchy when he told him they'd planned to meet up.

There was a knock at the motel room door which immediately had both Winchester's grabbing their guns. Cas wouldn't knock.

"Hello?" Dean yells through the door, standing to the side of it.

"Stripper-Gram!" A female voice calls.

Sam and him exchange raised eyebrows. Dean stuffs his gun away in the back of his pants but keeps his hand on the grip, finger on the trigger.

When he opens the door, he's happily surprised to see the favorite little sister he never wanted. Charlie.

"Hey, kiddo." He pulls her into a hug that leaves her inside the room.

"Geez, you guys kept me waiting out there so long I had time to make up a whole stripper alter ego."

"Hey Charlie." Sam smiles and she goes to give him a hug too.

"So I was thinkin'.. I'd be Cylon#14. The Cylon they don't talk about and shunned for being too sexy."

Dean smirks. "Gotta be honest, I don't know what any of that meant.. but I'm sure you'd make a great Cylon."

Charlie tells them how she picked up their scent coming back from Comic-Con about a week ago.

"How was it?" Sam asks.

"Oh you know.. what happens at Comicon, stays at Comicon. So! What we huntin'? Vampires? Werewolves? K-Stew?"

"Actually, we're between cases right now." Sam says from behind his laptop on his bed.

"Great! Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings?" She beams.

"Ah well.. we don't have a dvd player set up or.." Dean starts.

"I'll hook up my laptop to the tv, duh." She was already searching her messenger bag for wires.

Dean rolls his eyes but can't help giving in.

"We'll be kickin' it with Hermione before you can say Expelliarmus!"

"Well then we'll be waiting a long ass time." Dean snarks. Sam's tuned them out and Charlie's already sticking her tongue out in concentration while she fiddles behind the tv.

Smiling, Dean turns around and almost runs into Cas.

"Do we need to make a milkduds and popcorn run, Dean?" Charlie calls.

Cas shifts his gaze around Dean until he sees the source of the noise.

"My apologizes. I did not realize you had a visitor." He says stiffly.

Fuck. Dean watches his jaw clench as he's turning away.

"Hey Cas! This is Charlie!" ..That might have been too loud.

Cas pauses and half turns back towards him. "Your lesbian friend who is proficient with computers?"

Dean closes his eyes and groans.

Charlie pops around Dean, smiling easily. "I think that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about me. I might change my Bio info to that."

She sticks out her hand and says, "You must be the hottie rebel angel they adopted?"

After staring at it for a moment, he clasps it. Charlie moves their hands up and down to help him out. 

"I am." He says simply.

Cas turns to Dean. "You have company. I will return at a more convenient time."

He tries to shake off the immediate flash of disappointment but Charlie pipes up. "No, stay! We're about to binge on Potter. Dean's only up to Prisoner of Azkaban."

Dean can't help but smirk as Cas squints in confusion. "Yeah, C'mon. You'll get a kick outta their spells. It's like bastardized Latin but.. cutesy."

"Hey! Do not disrespect our lady of Rowling."

After Dean gives him a little nod, Cas allows a small smile.

Charlie looks between them and claps. "Okay, so back to The Sorcerer's Stone I'm assuming."

Dean groans exaggeratedly. "Ugh.. I'll get the popcorn."

Sam didn't look up from his laptop the whole time.

+++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++

Cas spent the first 30 minutes explaining the correct Latin words for what they were trying to accomplish but seemed confused about the piece of wood they were waving around. With the second movie, he claimed there was no combination of words that would make a car fly but seemed to like Dobby. By the third movie, him and Charlie were openly debating the allegorical interpretations and Dean was actually kinda surprised. Charlie and Cas could carry on a conversation. His head might explode.

Sam half-paid attention to the magical movie marathon and running commentary. He was on his own bed reading some demon text. Charlie had plopped down at the end of Dean's bed, pulling the tv so it was in front of them. Dean and Cas had awkwardly sat up by the headboard on opposite sides, far apart. 

It'd slowly gotten less tense and more relaxed as Charlie squealed when Hermione first made her appearance. She immediately launched into her best English-accented impression of her heroine.

All and all.. it was a pretty great day.

Darkness fell and Harry had just cut Ron loose from his seaweed shackles. Only the light of the tv illuminated the room. Charlie was curled up asleep and Sam had long since rolled towards the door. 

"They do not look anything like mermaids." Cas said seriously.

"Yeah, but they do bite like a bitch."

All the sudden, it clicks that they're together in his bed. In the dark. Dean feels himself tensing up again. He darts a quick glance at Cas who had been frowning at the screen but now turns towards him. 

After a second, he looks around too before meeting Dean's eyes. Without warning, Cas leans forward and grabs a fist-full of Dean's shirt. It'll definitely jar Charlie awake if he struggles so he lets Cas kiss him like they haven't done it in a month instead of only a week.

As they pull back, Cas catches his lip and bites down, just this side of pain. Dean's eyes close shut tight until he thinks he can look across at him without audibly moaning.

Cas smiles like no angel had any right to and raises his eyebrows in question. Dean licks his already swelling lip and nods once.

He feels a rush of cold breeze and is suddenly standing outside in the dark. His legs almost give out from the shock of changing positions so abruptly but hands catch him from behind to right him. Teeth are scraping along the back of his neck, nipping.

Dean sees nothing but trees and random clusters of wild flowers and weeds as delicious chills spread throughout him. 

"Man, you've got a hard-on for the woods, huh?" He gasps when Cas sucks his ear lobe between his teeth.

"I do have an erection, but I don't believe it has anything to do with our location." He hears from behind him.

Dean laughs, "I mean we're always gettin' hot n' heavy out in the middle of nowhere."

"I appreciate the surroundings. No noise." He turns Dean to face him.  
"No human constructs congested together." He pushes him against a tree.  
"No distractions." Cas lets both his trench-coat and suit jacket slide off his arms. He takes his time rolling his sleeves up. "It seems more.. spiritual."

Just seeing Cas' arms, usually covered up, makes Dean excited.

He reaches up to grab Cas' face and pulls them closer. Cas stops an inch away before Dean can kiss him. He covers Dean's hands and brings them back down to his own sides.

"Keep your hands here."

Dean sighs impatiently. "Dammit, Cas."

"Do it." He says with all seriousness. 

When Dean lowers his arms back down, Cas rewards him with an enthusiastic kiss that leaves Dean panting. He moves away from his mouth to his chin. Neck. Adam's Apple. Cas moves to above the collar of Dean's shirt. He grabs it with both hands and calmly tears a little. His lips start moving down with his fingers easily ripping a path inch by inch. It mimics when Dean had opened Cas' shirt button by button. Fuck is he going to.. 

Cool air hits his chest and the sight of Cas' head with his unruly mess of dark hair steadily moving lower.. makes him moan. When he nuzzles his hard groin from outside his pants, Dean loses it. He grinds his hips forward and cups the side of his face. 

Cas stops immediately and raises his eyes upwards. Dean's confused as why the fuck he stopped until Cas looks at his hand, still touching his face.

"Shit, sorry."

His hand smacks his leg with how quickly he puts it back.

Cas smirks and gets back to his feet. 

Goddammit! Cocktease.

He doesn't move or say anything, willing Cas to continue with every fiber of his being.

Cas undoes his belt as Dean watches, then spins him by the arm so he's facing the tree. He pulls the tatters of Dean's shirt down his arms by the collar. Grabbing Dean's left arm, he unhooks the watch and tosses it aside in the grass. Dean feels Cas' thumb rub over his wrist once right where he knows the sigil is before he reaches for his other wrist. They're crossed and forced together tightly by the leather belt. Bark digs into the exposed flesh of his chest and stomach when Cas grips his hips roughly and pushes his body against him from behind.

"I could do anything I wanted to you, Dean."

He feels Cas' stiffness rub over and over his ass as he insinuates exactly just what he meant.

Dean closes his eyes and almost chokes as his heartbeat picks up in fear and excitement.

"Cas, please.."

He's roughly turned with his back to the tree, arms bound behind him.

"You had better say my name as if you want me to release you some time tonight." He raises his eyebrows, smiling but Dean thinks he might not be joking.

"C'mon." He tries to sound annoyed but it comes out breathy.

Cas trails a finger down his chest and watches its progress. "You'll pray and beg and curse, Dean, but I won't return for you."

His voice drops even lower than normal. "Unfulfilled. Waiting." He drags his fingers over Dean's bulge too gently. 

"Cas." Dean pants, wrists straining against the leather for a second.

"Perhaps I should anyway. You're far too arrogant. Maybe some humility would serve you well, Dean."

"Cas!" 

"You're getting closer." 

He moves down and bites Dean's nipple then rubs his body languidly against the line of Dean's. Their cocks press against one another through clothing for an instant before he pulls back to look at Dean.

Dean swallows and just as Cas starts kissing his neck to continue his teasing that will probably end with him moaning like a whore.. he shouts, "Castiel!" 

Cas pulls back to smile with surprise.. he wasn't expecting that.

Dean opens his eyes and moves his head closer so he's an inch from Cas' upturned lips. He makes sure his bound hands don't leave the tree. Leaning only his head forward, he pushes their mouths together, kissing him lightly. Carefully.

"Castiel. Please." He says huskily.

Cas makes an unholy noise in the back of his throat and he's flat against the tree, bound hands digging into the small of his back.

"Very good, Dean."

Dean gets a flush at the words. Cas is suddenly gone and he's about to yell in outrage but feels fingers hooking on the top of his jeans. They're pulled down until he's out.

A second later and he's halfway down Cas' throat.

"Holy Shit!" He looks down.

Cas is gracefully kneeling, legs spread wide. He dips his head to lick at Dean's hanging balls while his hand tightens around his wet shaft.

"Oh my fucking.." He's vaguely aware that his boots and jeans are being pulled off but can't think around the wet tongue and teeth scraping up the underside of his dick. "..God."

He's whimpering when he realizes he's completely naked. Opening his eyes, he sees Cas still has his slacks, shirt and shoes on and starts to feel vulnerable as hell. Dean looks around self-consciously, even though he knows they're alone out in the wilderness.

Cas is back in front of him and kisses him once hard and rubs his pants against the cock he was just sucking. He pushes two fingers into Dean's mouth. 

Dean's not sure what he's going to do but he's practically gone with lust. He sucks hard and rolls his tongue as Cas' watches, biting his own lip. He pushes them back and forth lewdly over Dean's tongue before withdrawing them.

Cas' nudges his legs wider and drops again. 

Dean's eyes fly open at the feel of the fingers he just got all spit-slick, pushing steadily against his holiest of holes. He bucks forward away from the seeking digits.

"Cas!" He yelps, sternly.

Cas responds by holding him in place with a strong hand on his hip. Dean stops moving when his dick is suddenly surrounded by wet heat and being sucked on hard. Dean forgets about moving away until Cas finds his target and pushes in without hesitation.

Dean bucks again but it only pushes him deeper down Cas' throat which feels un-fucking-believable. The fingers follow him and start thrusting in time with the dark-haired head. Suddenly, Cas hits somewhere inside him he would never have believed existed and rests back heavily against the tree. He exhales deeply.. legs shaking and he might have collapsed if it weren't for Cas holding him up by his hip. To help or hold him in place, he didn't know or care.

Jesus, how the hell does that feel so goddamn good. He whimpers and moans.

"Fuck Cas, that feels..." He nearly cums but Cas' head pulls back. "Amazing." He breathes.

"Remember this moment when I decide I want to fuck you."

Dean chokes on air he's gasping so fast.

Jesus Christ. That word coming out of Cas' mouth..

Cas shoves his fingers in, deep and fast, looking up into his eyes and Dean cums hard. It's mostly over his stomach and the ground. Cas moved back so it didn't get him.

He withdraws and that makes Dean grunt and gasp, locking his weak legs so he doesn't fall.

Cas gets to his feet gracefully and kicks Dean behind the knee so he falls forward. He lands on his knees, hunched over, arms still restrained behind him.

Over the sound of his own panting, Dean hears the zipper and sees Cas' black dress shoes in front of him. His head is yanked up by the hair and he's staring at Cas' rock hard dick. It's pushed past his lips quick. Once, twice.. before he pulls it back to jerk it violently close to his face for half a minute. With a deep shuttering sound, cum lands on his nose, chin, lips and tongue. Cas slowly drags his head along Dean's lips. 

"Very good." Cas breathes, fingers stroking through his hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I couldn't sleep.. have another chapter. Don't forget to tip your author..hehe. (o:`, Love to you all.


	15. Luring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He followed Sam through the door, gun raised.

Cas deposits him outside his door when it's still dark. Rubbing his wrists, he slowly turns the knob. He sees Sam's still asleep in the shadows and just as he closes the door quietly he turns around to see Charlie an inch away.

"And where were you, mister?" She whispers. "And where's your shirt?!"

"Shh!" Dean covers her mouth and pulls her outside. 

Charlie worms away and whispers,"What's with sneakin' out? Working undercover as a Chip N' Dale or something?"

Before Dean can even remember the excuse he had ready for just this scenario, Charlie whirls her bright red head around.

"Wait.. Wait! Wait! Wait!" She's bouncing a little in place. "You!" She points at Dean. "And him?!" She points straight up at the sky.

"He's not God, Charlie." Dean sounds sarcastic but his mind is racing with how quickly this just happened.

"Well I was gonna flap my arms but that looks too much like a chicken."

He groans and walks down the path a ways and sits on some stairs leading to other rooms above. Charlie follows and hops down on a step below him. Dean's eyes are too big but he doesn't feel the crazy body-numbing panic he felt the first time he freaked with Sam.

"This is so cute!" She says like she can't keep quiet a second longer. Charlie pats his knee. "He's like Spock in a trench-coat. And you're his Kirk! Aww!" She's getting herself too worked up.

"Charlie, I've never hit a girl that wasn't trying to kill me.. but you're pushin' it."

"Oh loosen up! If you can talk to anyone it's me! Please talk to me!" She says over-excitedly. "So which one of you pitches and which one catches?"

"What?! Stop it! We haven't done any pitching or whatever." He's pretty sure his entire chest is flushed at her words.

Charlie blinks and gives him a gentle smile. "But you guys are.. like.." She gestures to his bare chest.

"Yeah, kinda I guess."

"If you have to guess I don't think you're doing it right. Do you need me to have "the talk" with your Angelboat?"

"Christ Charlie, Shut up." 

Even though it was probably the most awkward and embarrassing moment in his life, it was a relief to talk to someone about it. He couldn't tell his little brother yet, but saying it to Charlie was like a stepping stone. Practice. Whatever.

"Okay well does Mr. Tall, Dark, and Dreamy take the lead or.. do you guys switch?"

Dean blushes and looks down.

"Huh.. I always thought you'd be the top.. but it kinda makes sense when I see you two together."

Dean's face gets hard and he doesn't say anything.

"Please stop. I didn't call you a freakin' girl or something. You're not that lucky." 

He sucks in a deep breath and blows it out quickly. Might as well get it all out and see where it left him.

"That's not it exactly." 

Charlie looked like she was going to fall off her step with excitement.

"Oh?! More than doing the dirty with an angel? Man, where was this in the books?"

"It doesn't talk about me and Cas in those fucking books does it?" Chuck was gone but he would hunt him down in the afterlife if he had to.

"There's a bunch of soulful eye-sex but they stopped before anything spicier. You guys have your own fan base, though. Destiel."

Dean pinches his nose between his eyebrows.

"Anyway, back to the scandal.. I mean stuff you're gonna confide in me."

"Well we're like.. I don't know. He.." Fuck how does he explain this.

"He.." She mimics.

"Well it gets all like.." Ugh.. why couldn't he have just had Cas zap him into the bathroom instead of outside the motel.

Charlie makes a "Come on" motion with her hands.

"Okay well it started with him like helping me through some issues I had by.. um tying me up when I couldn't control myself.."

Her eyes widen and she smiles with her mouth open. 

"But then it got where we don't need to anymore and we're still.."

"Ooo!" She giggles getting it, so he doesn't have to keep fumbling.

"So you guys are into that. He goes all 'Down,boy!' "

Dean groans. "Why did I start talking to you, again?"

"Because you love me and know I love you." She sing songs.

Dean stops and smiles.

"Ya know.. Sam does too."

His smile falls, knowing where this is going.

"If you're sneakin' out for some midnight nookie, I'm guessing he's still in the dark."

"He's not gonna understand.."

"He doesn't have to understand. You just gotta tell him you're happy. You are happy?"

Dean looks away but smirks shyly.

"Yeah so.. Man up. Say Sammy.. I sometimes like the sausage."

Dean rolls his eyes and pushes her shoulder. He has to make a grab for her before she falls.

+++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++

 

The next morning, they're at an IHop nearby. Waiting for more coffee, Dean keeps thinking about how hot Cas looked on his knees. And though it was uncomfortable and scary as hell at first.. what he did later felt unbelievable. If Cas hadn't had such un-wavering confidence every step of the way, he's pretty sure he could never have done half the things they did. He remembered how Cas said "fuck" and it made him cum around his fingers. 

Charlie's making her way through chocolate chip pancakes when she stops to say, "Hey, cool tat! When'd you get that?"

Huh? Shit. He looks down and realizes he was tracing the dark red swirls from where it peeked out from under his watchband. He'd been zoning out.

"Oh, uh a while back. Research and drinking do not mix. Pretty sure it means 'Pie'."

Sam gets up and walks outside without looking back.

Charlie smiles with eyebrows raised but wisely goes back to eating her pancakes.

They say their goodbyes, Dean giving Charlie an extra long hug. "I'll see you guys soon. You still have four and half Potter films to get through." Dean smiles and ruffles her hair like she's 8. "Tell Spock goodbye for me," she whispers in his ear.

Dean tries to go back in and start up a conversation with Sam. He simply rattles off the details for their next case. It's a day's drive and possibly a vampire or two.

"Sam, look.."

"Coroner's report says most of the blood was drained, teeth marks around the wounds. Majority just go missing. Could be a mass grave somewhere."

"Sam I'm trying to talk to you, I.." Sam throws the papers on the bed forcefully.

"No! You're not. You lie and act weird and are gone half the night and don't tell me a damn thing so we're just going to talk about the case or we're not talking at all."

Dean watches him pick the papers back up with his heart in his throat. Should he try now.. with them fighting and he can't think of a word to say. Fuck. 

"Sammy.." Dean just looks at him.. he feels like a fish out of water. Gasping.

Sam shakes his head and walks out the door.

+++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++

Dean waits outside by the Impala as Sam comforts a sobbing mother in her livingroom. They're getting closer to narrowing down where their vamp is hiding. This is the third house they've been at. Sam is taking point with the interviews and Dean is giving him space.

Dammit, he needs to fix this. Tonight. Tonight he'll tell Sam about him and Cas. They'll be able to move on and hopefully be okay again. Dean didn't believe in happy-endings, good fortune, luck or silver linings but right now he was hoping for all of the above. And maybe a set of balls to get him going.

Charlie was right. Sam was his brother and even though they hardly ever said it.. they loved each other. Had died for each other repeatedly. Even if he was shocked to hell and back, once Sam recovered the most Dean would probably have to endure was a life-time of teasing. He wouldn't hate him or some shit. And it had to be better than how they were now. They weren't talking and Sam didn't even want to be in the same room with him if they weren't talking about the case. It wasn't fair to Cas either. Him and Sam had been friends too.. before Sam starting getting the wrong idea and now was openly cold to him.

So that's it. Tonight when they got back to the motel room, he'd man up, hand Sammy a beer and say.. 

He laughed out loud when he heard Charlie's voice in his head saying "I like the sausage." Well he'd work on the wording. Butterflies were in his throat as he went over and over different approaches.

He jumped when Sam finally opened the car door and got in. "Mrs. Torres says after her daughter went missing, she searched her room and found a flyer for a band playing at a goth club called The Underground. Let's check it out tonight."

Dean nodded, knowing all other attempts at conversation right now would just end with both of them pissed off. 

They find the club wedged at the end of a row dark buildings in what looks to be an Industrial District. Once inside, they sit, backs to the bar, and watch the club's ebb and flow. Fake fog clogs the air and dark-clothed youths blend together. Their abundant jewelry winks as the flickering lights hit it.

"Yahtzee." Dean says over the throbbing bass. 

They watch a promising slow-moving male lead a young slim brunette towards the back. Her bright red streaks disappear out the door. Following a ways back, the hunters stay in the shadows. The vampire is holding the girl's hand like they're sweethearts. Like he wasn't taking her away from prying eyes to suck the life right out of her.. one gulp at a time.

The happy couple disappear through a heavy door at the end of an alley. Dean looks up to see that it's an abandoned, closed down Cigar Factory. He rolls his eyes. Of course. Why the fuck can't the evil lair ever be in a cute well-lit bungalow or a goddamn ice cream parlor. He hated warehouses and factories and all these big empty buildings that all the bad guys loved so much. Too many places to hide. Too easy to get taken unexpectedly. Too many shadows that were just waiting to pounce.

He felt a quick pickup in his heart-rate and a rush of adrenaline. Steady. Breathe. He followed Sam through the door, gun raised. A syringe full of a dead man's blood in his jacket pocket.

They slip inside as quietly as possible and see... nothing. All the high up windows, that would usually allow moonlight in, have been painted over.

Dean's in the dark. He can't even see Sam in front of him. He hears shuffling from somewhere to his right. Then a quiet so dense he doesn't want to breathe. The back of his neck pricks. Something is very wrong. More wrong than being trapped in the dark with a vampire. 

A shoulder brushes by his and he whirls.

"Sam? he whispers. 

"Yeah?" he hears from back behind him.

Oh. Fuck.

More shuffling from closer. 

"We need light. Now." His voice sounds normal but he's choking on panic and dread.

Something that could have been a laugh to his left.

Dean quickly backtracks and feels along the wall for a switch he hopes to God is hooked up to something. 

His hand stumbles over one and he breathes out. Thank...

The lights pop on above them to reveal maybe two dozen still bodies. All facing him. Some are lounging on the floor or against the wooden beams. Some crouched, practically drooling as they grin at him. Sam is a few feet away with wide eyes that show fear and resignation.

...Jesus.

They're not getting out of here.

He hears someone behind him and turns slowly to see the brunette with red streaks. She blows him a kiss and flicks the lights back off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me for my lack of smutty goodness, darlings. *Eskimo Kisses*


	16. Drowning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean looks down to his wrist but it's covered with thick, clinging dark red fluid. Doesn't matter. A few fancy swirls aren't going to help him now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Intense Violence lies below. Prepare thyselves.

Dean screams for Cas in his head over and over again. Hopefully it's enough to count as prayer because he can't pause long enough to concentrate. It might just be aimless panicked noise.

He pulls his bowie out and swipes blindly in front of him, trying to feel for the switch again with his other hand. A small mouth sinks into his wrist and he stabs until he's free. A second later he finds the switch.

When the light pops back on, all the undead are so much closer.. like a terrifying game of red light, green light. Several of them have fanned out to their sides, a few crawling on the ground.

Sam has his gun up and with the light, fires at the one closest to him. Dean loses sight of him when something barrels into him and he goes down. 

He chants Cas' name desperately with each useless punch to the vamp on top of him. It had been a young girl blonde girl with delicate features. Someone's kid that never came home. Or if she did.. they'd wished she hadn't.

Now all the sweetness of youth is contorted as it's gnashing teeth strike nearer and nearer his face. Dean is able to get his hand up with the gun between them and only hesitates a second. Closes his eyes. Fires under her cute pointed chin. Blood. Bone. Brains explode above him to cover his neck and face.

Two more are on him before he can even get to his feet. Where's Sam? Jesus, they're going to die. Like this. Being gnawed on by monsters. They were wrapped up in their own shit and were going to pay the price. 

The bloodsucker's hold him down, grinning one moment.. the next and both pairs of their hungry eyes are suddenly illuminated. He has to look away at the brightness but still feels the heat as they burn from the inside. They fall off him to the side and reveal his favorite celestial being. 

"Goddamn, it's good to see you."

Dean takes his offered hand and gets up. Cas has time to give him a worried look and say, "You-" before he's cut off by a body slamming into him. Dean gets to his feet and sees Sam shooting for head shots, trying to slow them down. The red-streaked girl's head is by his feet, her brown eyes glassy.

Dean pulls free his machete with his other hand. He's gonna need it. Sam, him, and Cas unconsciously move so they're in a loose circle, back to back. Protected from surprise attack at least. It's all they have time for. It seems the fight goes on for hours but Dean knows that can't be right. It's a trick of battle. And battle is exactly what this is. 

Vampires fight like rapid dogs. Their bites cover his arms. And so much blood. His. Theirs. It's stuck to his face with sweat and dirt. Cuts and scratches dot his neck from where one would grab him and try to pull him close. If they reached his neck, it was all over. So they tore at his skin as he sliced them up. He ran out of ammo long ago.

He sees his brother cutting off a head. Cas forcing another to the ground. They make eye contact for a second but then there's another hungry-frenzied body between them. One of them jumps and sends Dean to the hard floor, knocking his wind out of him. He shoves his blade up into it over and over again. Endless. Messy. His hands feel warm with blood now as he stabs deeper into the torso. It's a wasted hit, won't kill it but it was the only part he could reach with its weight holding him down. While it's still howling, he rolls it and takes it's head.

His fingers are red and wet and dripping with things he can't think about. But then starts to think about.. He's staring at his hands. Dark red pooling in the creases of his skin. Under his fingernails. Covering light freckles on the back of his hand that he always kinda hated.

Shit, snap out of it!!!

He looks up as if in a daze and sees Sam still slinging his blade at anything that gets close enough. Cas just incinerated two on the ground, hands to foreheads. When the light extinguishes in their eye sockets, he finds Dean's eyes. 

"Dean! You have to fight it! Dean! Do you hear me?!"

"Cas?" His own voice sounds strange.

Two more charge his angel and there's another latching on to his arm. 

"Look at me! Dean! Focus!" He shouts, trying to fling them away.

Dean looks down to his wrist but it's covered with thick, clinging dark red fluid. Doesn't matter. A few fancy swirls aren't going to help him now.

So. much. blood. Dean rubs it between his fingers to feel it's slickness. One of them dives to push him bodily against a wall. He gets a leg up and kicks it away. He can't think. Can't think. It's too much. He's falling under the weight of blood. It's pressing him down and he'll never dig himself out. Sinking deeper. Have to keep fighting. Stab. Have to get up again. Slice. Cut them all up or he's gone. Twist. Can't become one of those fucking things again. Won't let them feed on him like a fleshy treat.

When all the vampires are dead or gone, he's heaving, sucking in air as fast as he can get it. Blood drips steadily from his hands and blade.

Cas puts a hand on his shoulder and he wheels around and bites it. Throwing his blade, he flings himself at the angel until he's on the floor with Dean on top. Dean wants to feel his hands sink deep into Cas' soft pretty flesh without the help of his sharp friend. His anger and bloodlust make him strong. It wraps around the inside of his mind like a warm friend, hugging him close. He could rip Cas in half with his bare hands but he'll just settle for his throat for now. 

Dean's hands circle Cas' windpipe, thumbs digging in. He squeezes and squeezes. Cas writhes, even now trying to call Dean's name. Dean grits his teeth and burrows his thumbs in harder. He ignores the feel of stubble that has rubbed against his neck. Doesn't see the blue eyes that plead for Dean's own sanity. Won't look directly at the lips that are no longer pink.. that have kissed him everywhere. 

He doesn't know what happened, but there's a thunk and a harsh pain at the back of his skull. Cas' image goes dark. 

Dean comes to not long after. Blurry vision clears and he sees Cas' worried eyes in front of him. He braces to pounce but is stopped immediately. Rope is wrapped around his torso chest, arms, waist.. keeping him tight against one of warehouse's many support beams. 

He snarls. Rubbing his fingers together down by his side, he feels the dry, hardening blood that's clotted. It will be all rust colored by now. 

"Dean."

He stares straight ahead, barely seeing anything anymore. His ears pound, all he can hear is blood rushing. Jaw clamped down, saliva sprays out as he breathes too fast. 

SLAP!

"Dean!"

He can see Cas now, shouting at him from a few inches away. Dean closes his eyes to block him out. He doesn't want to see Cas right now. His fist clenches with the memory of the blade. He growls and jerks into the rope. They had better hope it holds him..

His head is pulled back by the hair and he stills keeps his eyes closed, gritting his teeth.

"Dean! Look at me now!"

The darkness is coming like a red wave to crash into him. It's going to pull him down underneath. Cover him till there's nothing left. No more macho hunter with daddy issues. No longer a brother.. or a lover. Gone. Replaced. Just no more.

Another hit. Too hard to be a slap but he's numb. 

"Look at me, Dean! Fight it! I need you to fight!"

The hunger to keep killing is threatening to take root. To find a home inside him and he won't be able to make it leave again. He feels it caressing all of his weak spots fondly. 

His head turns with the force of another hit. He's too tired to even grunt.

Sam is yelling somewhere in the far distance.. past Cas who is so close, shouting low and frantic in his ear. 

He turns away because his voice is like jagged glass and the whispers are so much easier. Floating him closer. He won't have to listen to Cas anymore. Ever again. Just them. They'll be his master and love him. 

Dean only sees slivers of what's in front of him like its through a red film. 

"Leave him the fuck alone!" Sam is pulling at Cas' shoulder but he doesn't turn to look at him. He's staring right at Dean. Huh. His eyes must be open then.

The next wave is pulling back to ram into him. When it breaks, he'll be gone. The darkness will have him and he'll have the darkness.

Vaguely, he knows that his angel had tried all his tricks and they weren't going to be enough. He's sad not because he'll miss his brother..and Cas.. but because he won't. There won't be anything of him left to.

Cas slams into his lips, desperately kissing him. Dean is too far gone to respond but he feels it.

Somewhere far off he knows Sam is just standing shocked and watching open-mouthed behind Cas' shoulder.

"Dean, come back to me. Please, Dean." He says between every kiss. Over and Over like a prayer.

Dean whimpers. It's so much harder to fight than to give in. 

"Please, Dean. Come back." Cas' eyes are wet with tears but he won't stop kissing him roughly, moving back to see his face every time.

He wants to tell him just let him go. The rabid impulses inside him are tearing his mind apart and it hurts to pause and even see Cas anymore.

He's holding Dean's head and sobbing Enochian in his ear. He catches snippets. His name, the name for their symbol, a lot of other gibberish but said with such heartbreak.

Slowly, he begins to feel a subtle warmth inside him along side the awful things. The wave still pulls back but now it's almost as if all the spoiled parts of his mind are going with it. Like a lanced boil or fever broken.. it's dragging all the crazy with it. It doesn't feel like it's rushing back to consume him anymore. It's just rolling away. At the end his mind clears and the mad sickness is gone.

Dean rubs his temple against Cas now. He pulls back and grabs the sides of Dean's face fiercely. When he sees his green eyes are clear, he kisses him again. Just a firm press of lips that he keeps against him. Clutching him, he runs fingers through his damp hair. 

"Thank you," he hears Cas whisper but he's not sure if it's to him.

Suddenly, he reaches into Dean's jean pocket and pulls out the Impala's keys. It's intimate and he barely bites back the moan as his fingers brush his cock for a second before he finds them. He would have tried to jump Cas right in front of his brother if he wasn't restrained.

Cas drops the keys at their feet and without breaking Dean's eye contact says, "Burn the bodies. He will be at your motel room."

 

+++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++

 

One minute Dean's looking at his brother's dumbstruck face, the next he's on his back, bouncing with the force of them landing on the mattress. 

Cas covers his mouth and it's hard to breathe. They fight for dominance for a minute. He makes Cas work for it until he manages to roll Dean back onto his back, pushing his body down to trap him. 

"I did not think I would be able to stop, so I brought us here. I'm sorry about Sam.."

"It's fine, I'll.." He pushes away all the scared thoughts about what Sam had just seen. "Later." He'd worry about it later. Now he was all rushing emotions and blood flowing lower. He'd gone from almost losing himself completely to being brought back from the edge and suddenly everything tasted sweeter. He felt a flood of happiness as the dark thoughts were no where in sight. He felt purified. Electric. Cleansed. Hungry.

The scars over his mind are still there and it's an open wound to think about but it's not something he has to constantly fight back. Theres no longer a second passenger vying for control to take the wheel.

He gasps when Cas shoves his hand inside Dean's pants, impatiently, and finds his hard dick. "It's fine." Dean repeats again, panting between kisses. "Just get your goddamn pants off."

Cas gets up and sheds his clothing quickly, without taking his eyes off Dean. Cas pulling the knot of his tie loose is an unexpected turn on. On the bed, Dean starts pulling his own clothes off. Cas smacks his hands away and strips him with shaking hands.

Naked, Cas' eyes roam all over Dean's body, stopping over his many scratches and bites.

"You were almost.." He slaps Dean across the face, then kisses him just as hard.

"I almost lost you twice within.." Uncharacteristically, Cas can't seem to finish a thought.

"You are infuriating." Slams Dean back into the mattress. 

"I know." Dean says, fighting upwards to kiss him. 

Cas breaks away to growl, "Reckless."

Dean kisses him again. "I know, I know."

"Dean." He pins him down, eyes intense and steady. "You will not make me feel this way again."

Dean can't help smirking. Cas is managing to frown so serious with lips all pink and swollen. Hair sticking up, sexy. 

Cas tilts his head when he sees Dean smile and his eyes go dark. There's a flash of threat before he crawls up Dean's body to pin his arms with his legs, bent knees on either side of his head. He gets a fistful of short hair and forces his head up.

"Open your mouth for me. If you can smile, you can use your mouth more favorably."

"Cas.."

"Now."

Dean parts his mouth a little and feels embarrassed that he's letting Cas use him like this so blatantly. But it's also turning him on. Fucked up, but in the best way.

"More."

Dean doesn't smile again because that set him off already but he sucks in his bottom lip and let's his tongue wet over it before he widens his lips.

Cas inhales sharply, fingers tightening. Teasing Cas was kinda fun.

Angling his hips, he thrusts forward into Dean's mouth and groans. Dean tightens his lips around him and revels in the little noises Cas is making with each forward motion. He gags a little but Cas doesn't let up. He fucks his mouth without mercy for a good minute. 

"Open your eyes." He hears from the wrecked voice above him.

He does and Cas bites his own lip as he stares down at him, pumping forward. If he could stroke his cock, he'd cum right then from Cas' looking down at him that way.

Cas' pushes in and holds himself halfway down Dean's throat but pulls back without cumming. Dean gasps for air as he shifts back and makes his way down Dean's body. He kisses his lips, tongue rubbing against his. Skips his way down his neck, over his nipples, along the trail of light hair that leads lower. 

"You are so beautiful. Your soul is bright. It is difficult to look at.."

He shoves his legs apart enough that his knees touch the mattress. Turning his head to bite the sensitive skin of his inner thigh he mumbles, "Glorious."

He ignores Dean's aching cock except to move it out of the way. Cas licks his most intimate place and it feels.. good. Embarrassing, but good.. like almost everything they do. 

"I have prepared for this." Seeing Cas with a small bottle of lube, he almost laughs. The trip to get that must have been interesting. Arousal wars with his anxiety for a second. He thinks about Cas telling him to remember how good his fingers felt inside him. 

Those fingers are pushing into him now and he forces himself to relax. Cas' spends several minutes opening him up while gripping Dean's dick, making his eyes roll back. Then they're gone and Cas is above him. He leans down and kisses him gently before moving to his jaw. He braces his hands below Dean's ass to hold him up. He's nipping his ear when he pushes the head of his cock in. 

Dean winces and grunts in pain at the intrusive pressure. Cas bites down hard on his earlobe and it distracts him. Dean's cock twitches between them and he grabs Cas' shoulders. He almost withdraws and slowly slides in again. 

Fuck does it hurt and he wants to resist it except the feel of Cas being inside him.. so close.. is making him want to sob with relief. It's worth this pain and he raises his legs a little to get him deeper.

Cas grabs under his knee and changes the angle a bit and Jesus Fuck, there it is. His mouth is hanging open, eyes shut tight when Cas hits that magical little spot of awesome again. Harder.

"Cas.." 

His cock is fisted and being jerked upwards now. Pre-cum is all over his stomach. Only a few more thrusts and pumps and his cum pours out of him. His fingers grip Cas' shoulders so hard it would bruise a human.

A few minutes later, his breathing settles and Cas pulls out, smiling. Dean looks down and sees his thick cock still hard. 

"Why didn't you, ya know.."

"It's our first time.. and I almost lost you. I felt you going and I couldn't stop it. I'm not ready for this to be over with yet." 

Dean laughs tiredly as Cas starts kissing his chest. He stops laughing when he begins to lick Dean's cum off his stomach. Meeting his eyes he laps at it like a fucking cat. Holy shit, he's trying to kill him.

He might have stopped breathing as Cas licks a long strip through the white sticky mess and moves up to kiss Dean, forcing his cum covered tongue deep into his mouth. He tastes himself and moans around Cas' tongue.

Cas turns him over and hooks an arm around his middle, pulling him up on all fours. 

"It's too soon," Dean says, voice hoarse.

He drags fingers down his ass and pushes two in. "Maybe, but you'll take it anyway because I want you to." He curls his fingers. "Won't you, Dean?"

"Yes." He gasps, roughly.

Cas teases his wet hole, bracing his hand on the small of Dean's back as he adds another finger and shoves deeper. The fingers slide in without resistance with Cas' previous fucking to ease the way.

"Despite your natural stubbornness, you do obey orders very well."

Dean rolls his eyes but only because he knows Cas can't see it. He gets an urge to test him but loses the thought when the good feelings actually make his limp cock pulse with interest. He drops his head to the mattress.

"Cas, you're gonna kill me."

"No, you yourself almost accomplished that twice today." 

He grips Dean's hip hard, skin bunching in his fingers. Dean grits his teeth but moans as Cas' fingers pick up speed. He has a full erection now as if he didn't just cum 10 minutes ago.

Cas removes his fingers and lines up his dick. He pushes in with one fluid motion until Dean's ass is flush against his balls. Dean's breath punches out of him and he fists the sheets with white knuckles.

"Holy fuck!"

"That is the idea." Cas says pulling back to ram forward again. 

"Ugghh." Dean whimpers and reaches down to find his own dick, hanging painfully hard between his legs.

Fingers pull his head back abruptly by the hair. "What are you doing?"

"C'mon, what you think?"

"You will not touch yourself, Dean." He begins to rock his hips forward again.

"You have got to be fuckin' kidding me."

"I believe you said you were not ready."

"Yeah, but obviously.."

"If you want to find release then it will be without touching yourself."

"Cas.." and God does that sound like whining. "I don't even think that's possible."

"Then it seems you will just have to endure." His fingers stroke through his short hair before he brings them back to Dean's hip. Grabbing both hips hard like handles, he surges forward until he bottoms out.

Dean makes a moan that sounds like a growl.

"Fuck, Cas please."

"I do enjoy your begging."

"Yeah and you know how much I hate it so c'mon."

"Do you really? You do it so well."

Cas puts his hand on Dean's shoulder and keeps a steady bruising pace. Dean's shivering at how amazing it feels. His neglected dick leaks now, hanging in limbo. He tries not to think about it and focuses on Cas' diving forward and the hot little noises he makes everytime he pumps into him.

Dean goes down on his forearms to brace himself for the constant surges. Skin beats skin, sounding lewd and fucking hot. For a second he thinks he hears the sound of Cas' wings thrashing as he stills against him and Dean is shocked by his orgasm.. dick pumping spurts of sticky white mess all over the bed below him.

"Shit," he breathes with his eyes too wide but not really seeing anything. The lights are out.

Cas withdraws and falls back on his back, Dean turns so he's laying next to him. They catch their breath and his eyes begin to adjust with the moonlight leaking through the curtains. 

"Damn, is the streetlight out too?" 

"If I had to estimate, I would say the majority of the power to the city is no longer functioning."

"Jesus Cas, you're like a natural freaking disaster."

Cas smiles at the ceiling, still panting slightly. "I feel as though I might have extinguished the stars themselves."

Dean stops and watches his face. He's speaking before he knows what he wants to say. "Cas, I.."

Cas turns his head towards him.

"You gotta know I'm.." he searches for the words.

Cas simply smiles and strokes his face.

"I do." He leans forward and kisses him gently. "I know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.. I got a wee bit carried away. Not that I've ever heard anyone complain about length. Either way, hope you're enjoying it.


	17. Deceiving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How does he fix this?

He must have drifted off for a few minutes because he wakes up to Cas watching him. 

"Geez, you're such a creeper," Dean laughs fondly.

"Your brother will return soon." Cas says, not smiling.

"Yeah, shit." He rubs a hand over his face to wake up. Exhaustion makes it hard to think. Dean notices his arms and the dried blood and bites that a little while ago he could not give two fucks about. Now he wanted to wash it all away, not to mention he'd gone two rounds with Cas and probably looked it.

"Okay. I gotta go take a shower so I don't scar him anymore than I already have." He gets a flash of Sam's face after he was sane enough to focus on him. Groaning, he rolls out of bed. He blushed at how sore he was in unexpected places.

"I'll stay with you." Cas says as he sits up.

"No, it'll be uncomfortable enough."

Cas looks hesitant but Dean is already busy worrying about what he's going to say.. how it's going to go.

"You're certain? I could be of help."

"Yeah, I'll call you back after if you want."

Dean leans down and kisses him quick. Catching him by the scruff of his neck, Cas pulls him roughly back. When Dean makes a little sound deep in his throat, he's yanked down to the bed again and Cas crawls on top of him.

They kiss open-mouthed, all sliding tongues, rubbing lips and shared saliva.

Turning his face, Dean gasps for air. "You gotta go. I can't think with you here."

Cas cups the side of his face and stares at him with knit eyebrows.

"I know.. I'll go. I just want you to remember me while you're having your talk."

"You're kinda hard to forget."

Dean pecks him on the lips and Cas moves on his side to let him go.

Getting to his feet, Dean turns back to the bed made and Cas gone.

+++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++

He gets clean in record time and dresses. Then he alternates pacing and sitting on the edge of his bed. The blinds are open to let in moonlight. The motel's maintenance will probably be by in the morning to change all the blown light bulbs after the freak power outage. The anxiety lets up for a minute as he thinks about what caused it. 

Dean's back to sitting on the bed, barely keeping conscious, when the door finally opens. Sam comes through it looking exactly like he'd been fighting a nest of vampires all night.

"Sam." He's instantly awake.

"Hey, are you.. alright now?" Sam sits down heavily across from him on the other bed.

"Yeah. I think I'm gonna be fine now."

Sam smiles but like it's forced.

"Did you have any problems after.. with burning them?"

"Nothing I couldn't handle."

Okay, enough beating around the bush.

"Look I'm sorry about.." 

Not telling him the truth. Letting him find out that way. Almost getting them killed. Leaving him to clean up a warehouse full of dead vampires.

".. I mean, I know you saw Cas."

"Don't be. It's not your fault."

Dean started to smile but then stumbled on the last part. "Huh?"

"I understand. It's okay." Sam gets up and hugs him.

Dean awkwardly pats his back. It couldn't be this easy. "Uh, you understand.. what?"

"We don't have to talk about this now. You should get some sleep. You're dead on your feet."

Dean pushes him back. "No, I need to tell you.. what are you talking about exactly?

"Dean, I've been there. I've trusted the wrong person before. I'm not holding it against you."

He's so tired and it's hard to make sense of all that but Dean knows Sam is getting it all wrong. 

"When Ruby used to-"

"Ruby? Man, what the hell does she have to do with this?"

"I'm just saying it's not your fault. We'll figure this out together."

"Dude, no. It's not anything like that. I know what you saw was..'

"What I saw was Castiel beating the shit out of you. Then he like flipped and was all over you." 

Fuck, it probably had kinda looked like that. He should have seen Sam piecing things together this way but the truth was even weirder.

"Cas is nothing like that black-eyed skank. I'm actually happy for once. I should have told you before about-"

"But you didn't. Because you knew something was wrong. I did the same thing, Dean."

Shit, how does he fix this? He didn't know how to handle this steady stream of accusation and doubt. He'd planned to explain what Sam had seen at the warehouse and why they'd been kissing. Not defend Cas from using him or whatever Sam thought. He sighs and walks away trying to think.

"I know you can't see it, but Castiel has some kind of hold on you."

'"Jesus, what can I say to get it through to you that you're wrong about him?"

Sam locks his jaw and fixes him a hard look before saying, "You can tell me what that thing on your wrist means."

Fuck. Dean moves it a little behind his leg and just stares at him, lost on what to say. How does he explain.. that?

Sam shakes his head. "Dean, you're letting yourself get bitch-slapped around and doing.. God knows what else."

Dean felt his face flush and he tried to beat down the over-whelming flare of self-consciousness trying to choke him. Dammit, this is not how it was supposed to go.

"I know.. I know it's weird but it works for me.." He has to swallow twice. "..for us."

Sam throws his hands up angrily. "What are you even talking about? All the sudden you're into Cas? Cas, who has been moon-eyed over you for years and just now that you're vulnerable.. you're into it?"

True, if this hadn't happened then they might never have gotten past the eye-sex stage but it did and goddammit why couldn't Sam just say that's great and them go out for a beer?

"This isn't you, Dean. He did this to you."

"Just stop, will ya?" Dean rubs his eyes tiredly.

"Cas did something.. some kind of spell." Sam grabs his wrist to hold up the sigil. Dean pulls it back angrily but tried to keep calm. Yelling at each other isn't going to fix anything. 

"It wasn't like that, Sammy!"

"Trust me, I know what it's like. I remember what it felt like.. Becky spelling me to love her. Ruby tricking me into needing her. I won't let this happen to you."

"Sam-"

"I'll save you when you can't save yourself. You do it for me. Every time."

Sam is worked up now, voice choking on the last part. 

"Please. You're getting it wrong. It's different and.. freaking amazing. I know I fucked this all up but he's.. you might not get it but I'm telling you-"

Sam sucker punches him and he's outta the game.

"I'll fix this, Dean." he says to his unconscious brother.

Sam moves Dean so he's lying completely on the bed. He quickly washes his faces and changes his clothes so he won't frighten the locals. Two minutes later and he's out the door with the Impala's keys.

+++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++

 

Sam lights the last of the seven candles sat amongst the chalk lines. Gritting his teeth, he cuts his own hand to bleed over the mix of herbs. 

"Et ad congregandum Eos coram me."

He lights the match and drops it into the bowl.

A burst of sulfur makes his nose twitch. 

"We have to stop meeting this way, Moose. People will talk." 

"Crowley." He's in a black on black suit and smirking coyly.

"I don't see the other wonder twin. A birdie told me he made it back topside. You Winchesters are more resilient than cockroaches."

"I need to ask you a question."

Crowley rolls his eyes dramatically, "I know we've called a cease-fire for the time being but that doesn't mean I want you calling me up whenever you need to phone a friend. Wikipedia, ever heard of it?"

Sam ignores all that and pulls out a folded piece of paper with the symbol drawn from memory. He'd caught enough glimpses of it that he was pretty sure he had it down right.

"Have you ever seen this before?"

Not taking it, Crowley eyes it from where he stands with one raised eyebrow before flicking his eyes back up. 

"I happen to be fluent in Enochian."

"So..?"

"So why are you asking about this little scribble in particular?"

"You don't need to know that."

"Can I buy a vowel?"

"Forget it."

"E?"

"I said-"

"A?"

"This was a waste of time."

"For a Sasquatch, you really do run short on patience. Fine, deny me my banter then and cut straight to the chase. What has darling Dean gone and done now?"

Sam glares. "I didn't say anything about my brother."

"Yet here you are, on your own. Nary a Ken Doll in sight."

"Do you know what it means or not?"

Crowley sighs. "The name for it is Darbs."

"Darbys?"

"Dar-Bess" He sounds it out slowly. "Basically means.." Crowley pauses to give an oily smile. "Obey."

Sam sighs through his nose and looks away.

"What's this about, Moose?"

Sam is busy staring at the ground like he's forgotten the King of Hell was even there.

Crowley used the time to think. 

After a minute, he finally breaks the silence. "If Dean made it back to the Land of Milk and Honey.. can I assume a certain rebel angel without a cause did as well?"

Grimly, Sam looks up and asks, "How would I undo this?"

Crowley purses his lips like he's thinking. "Well, if it was used as part of a binding spell.. the only way to undo it is to break the connection."

"And how would I do that?"

"Simple. Kill one of the ones connected." Crowley says smiling like he's being helpful.

"Binding spell.. and what makes you think I trust you?"

"You've injured my delicate sensibilities. If I recall, you rang me up for my expertise, remember?" 

Sam is staring at the paper in his hand.

Crowley watches him carefully. "Let me ask you, has he been secretive? Does he defend him? Maybe take a little roughing up?" When Sam meets his eyes quickly he adds. "I mean, you guys are the ying to the others yang.. is he different?"

"Yeah." It's soft, almost too low to hear. Sam misses the satisfied look that crosses Crowley's face.

"The Winchester Brothers.. Solid as the rock Dean's head is made of. You know him better than anyone.. would he want to spend the rest of his days shackled to someone? Someone of the male variety no less? Mister John Wayne Manly Man Cowboy himself?"

When he sees Sam is listening he continues. "You know Hotwings was always pining after him.. but did our Dean ever once look twice? Think about it.. it makes sense."

Crowley walks away to idly roll the blood around the bowl of herbs. "Face it, Castiel is back on the villain wagon.. our healthcare plan has better dental."

"Do you have an Angel Blade?" Sam says suddenly from behind him.

Crowley grins openly, still looking down at the bowl of blood.

"Darling, I have several."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all my lovely feedback. I roll around in your praise.. it isn't pretty. (o:`, For those of you who might not like this chapter.. just go back to the previous chapter and reread the smut. Hehe.


	18. Breaking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How did everything go so wrong in just a few hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you experiencing Angst overload.. It's good for you. Life without angst is fluff and a fluff writer I am not. So grit your teeth and bear it.. because I want you to. >:)

Dean slowly cracks his eyes open. He's disorientated by waking up in bed in the dark. What happened?

Fingers are in his hair.. must have been what woke him up. He blinks as he tries to figure out where the fuck he is. The fingers tighten for a second and he can't help his gasp. 

"Cas..” he sighs.

"How interesting."

Dean's eyes fly open wide and he has Crowley by the collar before he fully realizes what's going on.

"Tsk, tsk." Crowley's out of his grasp and standing by the window in a blink.  
Don't rumple the suit, He-Man."

"What the hell are you doing here? Where's Sam?" The last thing he remembers is talking to him.. trying to explain about Cas..and screwing it up epically. He rubs his temple to inspect a sore spot.

"I popped by to see if the rumors are true." Crowley looks like the cat that caught the canary.

"What?" Dean barks.

"Been partaking in sins of a certain angel's flesh, have we?" 

Dean's eyes narrow and he locks his jaw so hard he could break teeth.

The demon allows a small taunting smile. "It's nothing to be ashamed of, Pet. I've heard it's quite an event." He gestures to the window at the dark buildings outside and up at the light fixture. "I'm assuming it was out of this world?"

Dean just glares, not giving into the baiting.

"Not even a chuckle?"

"What do you want.. besides my foot up your ass?"

"Touchy. I just want a nice little chat." He makes a show of sitting in one of the motel room's chairs. "Now I'm not one to throw stones, but your choice of dancing partners does concern me. You've been getting biblical with that bastard Traitor of the Lord and I'm afraid it's not good for your health, darling."

"Enough with the foreplay. What the hell’s going on?"

If Crowley was here, taunting him.. he had to find Sam. Now.

Dean's fist shakes by his side but he just clenches it tighter to keep still. 

Crowley gets up and stands in front of Dean. Cocking his head he reaches out to grab Dean's arm and caress fingers over his wrist. Dean immediately jerks it back and shoves him away. 

Holding up his hands in surrender the demon says, "Moose seems to think this little doodle is some kind of Binding Spell. Trust issues, poor boy. See, Enochian Sigils do bupkis on a human." 

He paces leisurely as he continues. "So I ask myself.. Self, why would the elder Winchester have Enochian on him that would be nothing more than window dressing?"

Dean crosses his arms waiting for the bad guy monologue to end. 

"What angel do the Hardy Boys always seem to be tied at the hip to.. lost marbles and all?

Crowley smirks as he says, "What if all that homoerotic subtext leaking all over the scenery finally got the better of our macho hunter? Then I say.. Self, why would his bouncing baby brother need-"

"Sam? He was with you? Where is he?" Dean interrupts, tired of this already.

"Sounds as if he tore outta her like a daddy with his shotgun to track down the angel who done you wrong." Crowley affected an exaggerated Southern accent. 

Dean is already looking for his keys.

"Called me up for counsel. See, he doesn't know you enjoy the whip and chain bit, does he?" Dean ignores him. Fuck, he checks outside and sees the Impala is gone.

"In all fairness, who would imagine an angel being so adventurous? Must have gotten tired of being the one serving on his knees upstairs.”

"As fun as this has been, can you leave me the fuck alone now?" Dean says grabbing his jacket.

"Certainly. And Malez Tov, though it’s probably short-lived."

"What?" Dean says angrily, distracted.

"Moose is going to clip your boyfriend's wings." That gets Dean's full attention and Crowley grins as he looks up.

"Well sorry to gloat and dash but I am the King. You know how it is.. deals to broker, souls to torture, a Hell realm to rule." 

"Wait you Sonofabitch! Where's Sam?

"Waiting for this." Crowley smoothly pulls out an Angel Blade from inside his suit jacket. Moonlight hits the blade and Dean's heart sinks to his toes.

"The next time you see loverangel, it'll be in the ashes of his blackened and burnt wings."

Dean grabs for him but Crowley's already gone.

 

+++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++

 

“Goddammit!”

Dean angrily slams shut his cell for the fifth time. He isn't answering. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Sam’s going after Cas. Sam’s going after Cas. It loops in his head, over and over again. How the fuck did everything go so wrong in just a few hours. He'd finally gotten the balls to talk with Sam.. was even happy about it. He stares at the carpet for a minute, lost on what to do next. He could usually figure out his brother’s next move but enlisting that piece of demon shit wasn't something that factored into any scenario he thought up.

Christ, was he planning to call Cas and try to jump him with a surprise attack? Cas would walk right into it. He wouldn't know to defend himself until the blade was stuck in him. Not from Sam.

He almost prayed to him right them out of panic but Dean made himself stop and think. He’d already screwed this up once. Cas wouldn't just sit on his hands and wait for Dean to call him if he told him what was up. He would try to help thinking he could fucking explain everything and.. Jesus Sam would do it. He would take an angel out if he thought he was protecting him. What if Sam called Cas right now? Fuck, with Crowley helping.. There’s no coming back from an Angel Blade.

He needed more time. Sam got it in his head that he was brainwashed or spelled or whatever the fuck the demon had been whispering to him and he’d keep going after Cas until he was dead. God, he can’t go through that. Why does everyone he cares about have to fucking die?

Mom. Dad. Ellen. Jo. Bobby. 

Images of dead angels start forcing their way to the surface. Anna. Gabriel. Zachariah. He doesn’t want to but his mind slots Cas’ body in place of theirs. Lifeless eyes. Sprawled body. Ashes of his wings underneath his trenchcoat. 

Dean tries calling Sam again one last time before pocketing the thing slowly. He can’t risk Cas going to Sam. He had to keep Cas away for a while.. until he can find his brother. If he just came out and told Cas what Sam was planning... he would probably try to naively go and fix it. Cas and Sam had been friends but now that his brother thought he was in danger... he was a deadly enemy.

No time, just do it. He can fix it later.

Clearing his mind, Dean calls him. “Cas.”

Arms wrap tightly around his chest from behind and he closes his eyes. He allows it for just a moment. When he feels lips behind his ear, he steps forward away and turns around.

Cas looks him over wearily and asks, “Did your talk not go well?”

Dean sighs. “Not exactly.” 

Cas frowns. “What’s happened?”

“Nothing. It’s just… you need to leave us alone for a while. Sam and me. Just stay away, okay?”

Even to his own ears it sounds weird but he needs him to pop far away like now. Cas is searching his eyes for something but Dean turns his head away from him.

“Is this... some sort of joke? I do not understand your humor.”

Dean huffs. “No, look please just stay away and don’t go to Sam if he calls.”

“Why? I will speak with him. Explain-“

“No! Don’t go near him!”

Cas looks away, tilting his head. 

“But Sam is praying to me now. Perhaps he is willing to talk.”

Dread and fear were threatening to choke him.

“Just leave him alone! Just.. I’m better now, okay? I don’t need you down here hanging around to slap the crazy outta me. Sam just wants to tell you to leave me alone so I’m gonna do it for him.”

Hurt and confusion are all over Cas’ face. “Mere hours ago, I left you and you seemed content. What has changed?”

Dammit, Sam could come back here any moment. With an Angel Blade. Possibly with Crowley. He’s pretty sure both Cas and his brother wouldn’t survive a show down. He needed time to fix this but Cas wasn’t leaving. His heart jumped when he thought he heard the door but it was one motel room over.

Dean sucked in a breath and started talking quickly… nasty, damaging words strung together to cause the most sting. Anything to make Cas fly the fuck away and not come back.

“Look just leave me alone. You got what you wanted.”

“What?” Cas seems more confused than ever.

“Sam was right.. You.. you just wanted to slip in. Get me while I was weak. Vulnerable.”

“Dean. I thought I was doing the right thing. I was trying to help you.”

Dean looks back at the door once more, then takes a step into Cas’ personal space.

“Help me? You just wanted to fuck me.” He says with venom.

Cas takes a step away from Dean as if the words physically hit him. Dean tightens his fist to cut his palm with his fingernails but he doesn’t take the words back. Go. Go. Please fucking go. He can’t meet Cas eyes anymore, so he stares down at the carpet. Then he sees his wrist. Fuck, he knew this would cut Cas even more but it would help convince Sam he wasn’t a bitch to some spell. 

“I need you to take this off me.” He swallows, still staring down. “Please.” It hurts him to ask but he does. 

Dean doesn’t see Cas’ face, but after a full minute his shoes appear in front of him. His face is suddenly directly in his line of sight as he kneels gracefully before him. Dean bites his tongue and fights not to respond as Cas’ fingers grabs his hips then drag down his jeans slowly. Cas has on his best blank-face but refuses to break eye contact. Dean can feel himself hardening but keeps silent. Hands reach the end of his jeans and dip inside his boot to grab the blade.

Flicking open the knife, Cas holds out his hand as if asking for Dean’s. He waits from his knees, not grabbing for it. Dean’s hand shakes but he bares his wrist. He watches the blade slide across his skin through the Enochian Sigil he’d stared at, traced so often. Cas slices through his own palm more savagely and presses it down hard. 

The pain is not as searing as before but he hates the emptiness it leaves behind more. A few seconds later and they are left staring at each other, Cas still holding his now unadorned wrist.  
Dean pulls it back and wishes for a hole to open up and swallow him.

When Cas gets to his feet, Dean thinks he’ll finally go but he pauses.

“I am happy you don’t need me anymore, Dean. Though I knew from the beginning we wouldn’t be able to part as friends afterwards.” Cas gives him a small smile. “But it was worth it. You were worth it. I’d rather have had you than not known what it was to…” 

“Cas, we’re still friends. I.. I’ll see you again. Just.. not now okay?”

“No, you won’t.” He says blandly. “Don’t pray to me. I cannot go back to just assisting you with cases, just providing information when you need it.” 

Dean almost breaks but just nods instead. Cas will understand. He has to. He just needs to go fix this. He’ll fix all of it, goddammit. His brother first. Then Cas. He’ll understand. Everything will be fine again. He ignored the nausea in his stomach.. this was only temporary to get Cas out of the cross-hairs.

Dean misses him leaving but hears the flutter of wings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise I'm not a sadist. Hang in there, loves.


	19. Departing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam tenses and reaches for the blade hidden in his jacket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A note to help explain Dean’s actions last chapter: Dean is driven to protect. His surrogate family (who are all now dead or don’t remember him), his brother, and his best friend now lover. He will do whatever he thinks will keep them safe at the moment.. usually at the expense of his own happiness. He does ridiculously stupid things like make demon deals, trade his soul, tries to surrender to be Michael’s vessel, has Ben and Lisa’s memory wiped all when he thinks he has lost control of the situation. I’m not saying his knee jerk reactions are right but there you go. Hope this helped clarify where his mind was at when he didn’t just tell Cas what was up.

“He’s not answering.” Sam says grimly as he opens his eyes. 

The minute Crowley had returned, Sam held out his hand for the weapon that would kill Castiel. He’d been an ally, a friend, an enemy, almost family, and now he was about to be dead. He wouldn’t allow Dean to pay the price for an angel’s obsessed infatuation. When it went past longing looks to forcing reciprocation using magic.. then he would do what he had to do.

The circle of holy oil had been ready and as soon as he grabbed for the Angel Blade he didn’t hesitate to start to call Cas. He barely heard Crowley’s amused, “Someone’s an Eager Beaver.”

Sam tensed but nothing had happened. No showdown. No lightening and fireworks. Castiel didn’t show. 

“Damnit, Dean must have tipped him off.”

“I would put good money on it.” Crowley chuckles to himself.

Sam’s cell phone chimes again and he throws it across the room in frustration.

Crowley purses his lips, thinking. Finally he says, “Why don’t you give him a ring that he can’t ignore?”

“What?” Sam bites off.

“Just look at me. I didn’t pencil you in for a pow wow today and here I am.”

“You mean summon him? We’ve only ever done that with Balthazar and that’s only because Cas gave us his symbol to complete the ritual.”

“You need the fourth Sigil, yeah? One to represent specifically which angel you’re pulling to you?”

“Which I don’t have…” Sam said with annoyance.

“Well clear the cobwebs out of that enormous head of yours and think really hard. Do you happen to know of some special doodle that might call our Angelwings?”

Sam frowns but, after a second, points to the paper with the Sigil he’d drawn. “What, this?”

“Bingo.”

His phone rings again from somewhere to the far left.

“Why this? It’s something he put on Dean.”

“Oh I think it’ll work just dandy.”

Sam looks back down at the paper in his hand, considering.

“I mean unless you’re happy leaving your brother as a Whore of Heaven.”

Sam’s jaw ticks as he glares in response to his wording.

“Thought not. Well you kids have fun. I hate to plot and run but angels give me indigestion.”

Sam is stomping out to the Impala before Crowley is done talking. He leaves the sound of his phone ringing behind him.

Popping the trunk, he finds the binder of notes he’d saved on any Enochian they’d ever used. He flips past Angel Warding Sigils and the Angel Banishing Sigil till he finds the one he used to call Balthazar. He stares at it for a second, then finds the myrrh and slams the trunk shut.

Once back inside, Sam snatches up his quiet phone on the way back to the table he’d been using. It was the only piece of furniture in the unrented business space. 

Drawing the chalk circle, he divides it in four and carefully copies the three sigils used for the summoning. He fills in the last empty quadrant with the symbol he’d seen on Dean’s wrist when he could get a glimpse of it. Four candles. One for each sigil. He lights each, carefully. Then he dumps the bowl of burnt herbs he used earlier and wipes it out thoroughly with a rag soaked in holy water to purify it. Almost done..

He shakes out some myrrh from it’s baggie, sprinkles holy water over it, adds a single dove’s feather. 

The loud ring of the phone shakes him out of staring at the white of the solitary feather and he pauses only a second before flipping it open.

“Sam?!”

“Yeah.” He acknowledges while cutting his other hand and squeezing it into a fist over the bowl’s contents.

“Don’t do anything! Please just let me talk to you, ok?”

“Okay,” he says hollowly as he shakes the bowl around so the blood covers everything evenly. The feather soaks up the red quickly.

“Where are you?”

“Empty building at the corner of Henderson and Hillsboro.”

“Great. Stay there. I’ll see you in five minutes.”

“Okay.”

Sam drops the lit match in the bowl.

+++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++

Castiel whirls around to see Sam a few feet away. Chalk. Candles. Blood.

He squints at him with disapproval. “Why have you called me like a common demon?”

“You weren’t answering.”

“So you would compel me here against my will?”

“What have you done to my brother?”

Castiel comes very close to rolling his eyes and angrily spits out, “Nothing he did not want.”

Sam tenses and reaches for the blade hidden in his jacket. “Wrong answer.”

He whips his hand forward and stabs Cas in his left side. The angel cries out in shock and pain as he’s knocked to the ground with the force of it.

“What have you done to him?!” Sam yells above him.

Cas looks up from one knee but stays silent. Sam lunges again but Cas catches his arm . He doesn’t have the strength to keep hold of it when Sam twists away and brings down the blade to pierce his right shoulder. Castiel props himself up with one arm, hand flat on the dirty floor but it’s shaking.

“I won’t let you take him away from me.” Sam says through gritted teeth, eyes shiny. One more hit and it’ll be over.

“Sam?! What.. What the hell are you doing? Cas?” Dean freezes inside the doorway and tries to process what he’s seeing. Cas is swaying, on his knees but resting back on his legs. Grace and blood are leaking out of a hole in his side that he has a hand pressed down hard over. Breathing heavily, he barely focuses on Dean before wincing and closing his eyes.

Sam grabs a match, strikes it against the table and throws it behind him as he walks towards Dean. Dean watches the ring of holy oil connect around Cas and feels his heart hit the pit of his stomach. Sam had planned this. Cas has to drag himself backwards away from the line of fire before it closed too near him. 

“I would never hurt Dean.” The trapped angel manages to say between panting.

Sam doesn’t look back at him but stays facing Dean, blocking him. “You bastard. What do you think you’ve been doing? And do you really think Dean would want this? To be with you because of a freaking spell?”

“Sam! You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. Move or I’m going through you.”

“I know what the Sigil means.”

Dean sighs through his nose and tries to step around his brother.

“Not going to deny it? Explain away why you have Obey stamped on your arm like a damn cattle brand?”

Dean holds up his arm. “I don’t. Now let me help him, dammit.”

He gets close enough that Sam shoves him backwards. “I know it’s a binding spell. It’s only broken when one of you die. I’m doing this for you, even if you can’t see it.”

“Yeah, and who told you that shit? You trust the King of Hell over your own brother. C’mon Sammy. Look at him! Cas is your friend. More than a friend to me. I fucked up and I couldn’t tell you before but goddamnit. Please! Let me help him.”

Cas is steadily bleeding out, white light leaking out of the wound. He loses his ability to prop himself up and drops all the way to the ground. Dean tries to rush past Sam again to the fire ring but is grabbed by his jacket and hauled back. With a frustrated growl, he dives at his brother. They trade punches, each struggling to get the upper hand. Dean punches Sam twice until he is knocked to the floor. Not looking back, he grabs for the table. All the summoning paraphernalia slides off as he collapses its legs and sends it scooting across the floor until it interrupts a good portion of the fire ring. 

He bends down, reaching for Cas who gets to a knee with great effort. Suddenly, the collar of his leather jacket is grabbed and he’s yanked to the side to fall on his ass. Sam has the Angel Blade up and about to plunge it right into Cas’ chest. Dean pushes off the ground and shoots up to stop Sam’s descending arm with both of his hands…

Then he’ll stop Sam and make him listen. He will sit him down and they’ll have that beer. He’ll explain over and over again till Sam got it and he won't be too tongue-tied to get it all out right this time.. that Cas makes everything better and even though it’s different and Sam might not understand it.. it worked for them. For them. Him and Cas. He would fix that too. And he’d tell Cas that he was really sorry. That he was a dick and stupid and he shouldn’t have pushed him away but that he cares about him too much not to have him in his life. And even though he couldn’t get out the words, Cas would know what he meant and they’d kiss.. outside somewhere because Cas likes it outside. Away from people and cars and noise.. with so many trees.. so many.. and Cas would call him beautiful like he sometimes does…

Dean is on his back and Cas’ face is a little fuzzy but he makes himself focus on it. Sam is next to him trying to talk though he has tears rolling down his face... oh god were they going to have a Winchester Tear-fest now? He cranes his neck forward toward him... wanting to tell him it’ll be alright. Cas would heal and they’d all be fine, everything would be fine… but he can’t get his mouth to work right. Cas’ eyes are so blue.. …but … but they’re cloudy and... swimming…. 

In the end, Dean isn’t able to say any of those things he wanted to. He only manages to smile, a little bittersweet. He lays his weary head to rest back against Cas’ hand. 

Then Dean Winchester... Hunter. Brother. Lover. …dies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay maybe I am a sadist.. The first step is admitting it right? And everyone calm their respective tatas.. I'll have another chapter out today. Would I leave you like that? Hmm..


	20. Ascending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He’d been a bit funny looking to begin with. Now he’s.. different.

Light. So blinding he has to keep his eyes shut tight. Time passes and slowly he blinks a few times. The bright glare pulls back to the edges of his vision. Now there’s just green. So much green. His mind starts to categorize it until he sees trees, grass, bushes, weeds, little wildflowers. Nothing and no one around but forest that stretches on forever or as far as he can see at least. But not like in Purgatory. Where that had been bleak and dirty and so hot you were choking on it even at night.. this was lush and healthy. Vibrant. Alive. 

It kinda looks like.. Oh. This is where Cas first took him to spar. Oregon he said? Maybe. He looks around, waiting for him to fly in and just appear like he does. 

But Dean’s alone.

Though it’s peaceful with the sky clear and despite the high sun there’s no heat. The air smells refreshing as if it had rained not too long ago. Dean sits down against the trunk of a tree and closes his eyes. Leaning his head back, he listens to the insects. It's not a bad place to wait.

He smiles when he eventually feels someone sit down next to him. Cas finally got his feathery ass here already.

“ ’Bout time.”

When he creaks his eyes open, he’s confused to not see his angel. It’s.. Chuck. Chuck sitting next to him. Legs bent, staring off into the wilderness. He looks kinda funny. No not funny. He’d been a bit funny looking to begin with. Now he’s.. different. He’s wearing a simple white short-sleeved t-shirt and light brown khakis. Bare feet sinking in the lush grass. Gone was the nervous fidgety guy he had hassled and bullied. Now he was possessed by a calmness, as if he could wait there for all eternity for Dean to speak.

“Chuck? You’re dead.” He says the obvious, slowly.

Chuck doesn’t turn to him but just smiles. Light flickers across him through the leaves of the trees. Then it clicks.

“..And so am I.”

He sighs and turns his head to face Dean.

“You are Chuck..right?”

“I am all that I ever was.”

“Man, that sounds like cryptic afterlife talk if I ever heard it. Why can’t anyone ever just give a simple meat n’ potatoes answer?”

“Yes. I am the Chuck that you knew.”

“But..” Dean furrows his eyebrows. “You’re not exactly. I mean, how can you be? He was a weird little writer dude. You’re.. more.”

He raises his eyebrows. “If I am nothing else, I am a writer. I wrote you into existence as I did every living thing.”

Dean’s eyes widen. “You mean..”

“You call me Chuck. Castiel calls me Father. The Jewish people call me Elohim. Pantheists call me Mother Earth. Atheists don’t call me at all.”

He laughs once at his own joke and that looks a little more like the squirrely prophet he remembers.

“So, you’re what.. God?” He probably should have something more profound to say than that. Does he expect him to like bow or something? 

“You can continue to think of me as Chuck if it makes you more comfortable.”

Dean shakes his head at how unbelievable this is. Him sitting next to God. Just having a talk. Dean Winchester and God. Wait does that mean he was a prophet of himself? Kinda cheating, wasn't it? This is really supposed be God? He's.. small. Not intimidating. Or impressive. Or breathtaking. Definitely doesn't look almighty. This can't be the creator of freaking everything.

"I really am, ya know."

Dean raises his eyebrows and heaves out a breath. “So why am I getting an audience?” It comes out thoughtful. Usually, that would have come out with more bite but all the anger he always kept inside is gone.

“It seems as though you were destined to die by your brother’s hand after all.” 

Dean remembers Sam pulling him away from Cas. His arm up. He was really going to do it. Then.. Cas above him. He thinks Sam had been talking to him.. But not Cas. Cas just stared at him the whole time. His eyes never left Dean's.. until it was too hard to keep them open. 

“Yeah, I guess so. I wasn’t really holding out hope for a happy-ending anyway.” 

Dean breathes deeply and gazes out at the surrounding trees, finding serenity. Worrying about being dead wasn’t really an option. He left the world behind with all its many problems still to be resolved but they weren’t his problems anymore. Player 1 is dead. Game Over.

“You’re not angry?”

“Nah, just.. sad, I guess.” Dean clears his throat and asks, “Cas?” He doesn’t want to hear if it’s bad but he has to know.

“He’s still down there. Begging for you. Pleading to let me take him instead and praying all kinds of deals at me.” Chuck shakes his head but grins. “A bit unbecoming of an angel. I don’t wheel and deal like the demons.”

That’s good. Cas would heal if he wasn’t dead by now. Sam was alive, Cas was alive. All in all it was better than he expected. He wishes Sam didn’t have to live out his life with Dean’s death hanging over him.. wishes he could have made things right with Cas before.. he didn’t even get to say any sappy last words. But he could be happy knowing that much. That thought is busted when Chuck turns to meet his eyes again.

“Once they snap out of their grief, once your body is cold, they’ll turn on each other. Do you want me to tell you what will happen next? Do you want to know which will triumph?”

Dean knows now he can still feel pain. “Please..”

“What would you have me do?”

“Stop them!” 

“It’s free will, Dean. What you fought so long and hard for. What I left my children to give them.”

“Yeah! And look what they did with it.” Dean gets to his feet. Restless. He probably shouldn’t argue with freaking God but he can’t keep silent when he thinks of all the death and collateral damage the angel’s mutiny caused.

“Look what you did with it. The Crusades. Slavery. The Spanish Inquisition-“ Chuck counts off on his fingers .

“Okay.”

“Hiroshima, The Holocaust, Rwandan Genoc-“

“Alright, I get it.” Dean says, tiredly.

“Before, they were cold, loyal, obedient. Without choice. When I left, I gave my angels the same chances mankind had. Freedom to kill each other. Freedom to release Lucifer. Freedom to end the world. Freedom to sacrifice themselves and fall in love with hunters.”

Dean smiles down at the perfect grass but it hurts. He turns his wrist over out of habit and is surprised to see Cas’ Sigil. He lets out a little laugh that sounds more like a sob.

“There’s tattoos in Heaven?”

“You are as you see yourself.”

“Kinda like in the Matrix?”

Chuck smirks. “Yeah, kinda. Apparently that has become a part of you.”

Not taking his eyes off it, Dean rubs a thumb over the symbol with reverence and says, “I don’t suppose you’d send me back for old time’s sake?”

“Every time I do, you just find another way to get yourself killed. You used up more lives than a cat. I should probably cut my losses.” Chuck has a twinkle in his eye but he’s not exactly smiling.

“C’mon, I’m good for business. Isn’t there more evil to take out? Demons to Banish? Apocalypses to avert-“

“There will always be evil, Dean. Your journey is done. You can rest now. You deserve it.”

Dean sighs and traces the mark on his wrist. If nothing else, he has this. He tries to push thoughts of his brother and Cas away because otherwise it will just torment him endlessly.  
The silence stretches. He feels the weight of Chuck’s ancient eyes on him but he’s lost in regret and memories.

“Why do you think you took the killing blow for Castiel?” He sounds merely curious as if he’s asking what Dean’s thoughts were on Global Warming or something.

Dean flicks his eyes up at him. “I didn’t exactly expect to get an Angel Blade to the chest.”

Chuck tilts his head reproachfully. “You can’t lie to me, Dean. Before you even thought about moving, you knew you would not have enough time to stop your brother.”

Dean shrugs. “What’s it matter?”

“There’s power in self-sacrifice. It is an act that honors my gift of free-will. To die in place of another.. That you would give yourself freely for one of my angels.. I respect the weight of such an act.”

“Yep, that’s me. Mr. Selfless.“ Dean fidgets. “So Chuck.. God, whatever.. don’t you have anything better to do?”

“Not particularly.” Chuck’s lips twitch up in a smirk. “Castiel is now cursing me. How quickly his love for me departs. Where did all his devotion go do you think? I believe you have replaced me.”

“Huh?” Hearing about Cas, an update on what he was doing right at that moment, gives him a twinge of grief that he wouldn’t think was allowed in Heaven.

“You are his god.” Chuck gestures up at him from where he’s still sitting in the grass. “He serves, rebels, worships and dies in your name now.”

Dean can’t help the sad little laugh. “Don’t be jealous.” 

Chuck stares at him, solemnly. “I would bring you back for him.” 

Dean’s head jerks to up so fast he could have whiplash.

“Despite his mis-steps... I’m rather fond of him.” His eyes crinkle at the ends and his mouth twists with affection.

Dean's afraid to say anything. 

“Maybe this time you’ll get it right.” He nods once at the ground.

Dean doesn’t quite believe he’ll actually see Cas or Sam again. What is he supposed to do now? Swallowing, he tries to wrap his head around the magnitude of the words he's hearing. 

"Um.. thanks, Chuck." It's ridiculous, but he doesn't know what else to say. Chuck smiles so he supposes it'll do.

“Come sit next to me for a little while longer, Dean. Your heaven is quite nice.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I could feel the wrath and gnashing of teeth all day as you waited. I appreciate that I am able to traumatize you all with my little story and hope you lasted through the bad times. Now come close and I’ll make it all better.


	21. Reviving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His thumb leaves behind a smear of blood on his cheek.

Dean sucks in a deep breath that lifts him off the ground with the force of it. He chokes a few times as his lungs get used to pushing air out again. Blood begins to pump and his heart regains its beat. His shirt is stiff with his own drying blood and it sticks to his body. When he pushes up to a sitting position, his hand slides against the floor, slick with the pool of deep red fluid. 

Dean blinks his eyes to re-orientate himself. Cas and Sam aren’t in front of him anymore like when he... died. He looks around until he sees them. Cas is no longer holding his side, but punching Sam until he slumps to the ground. Cas just grabs him by the collar to hold him up. Snarling, Sam hits Cas in the gut but he doesn’t even flinch.. despite the hole in his side still leaking blood and grace.

Dean gets to his feet and yells gruffly, “Hey! Stop it! Sam! Cas!”

They’re in their own little world of violence and continue grappling with each other, looking to do the most damage. 

Dean puts a hand on each shoulder and pulls them apart.

“Hey! The bell rang. Rounds over!”

Sam’s the first to stop and stand there with his mouth open. 

“Dean..?”

Cas almost lands another hit but Dean swings him around by the arm. Shifting his grip to the back of his neck, he forces Cas to face him. “Hey! Cas. Look at me.”

His cold blank expression falls away when he focuses on Dean, only a few inches away. Blue eyes, that are still red-rimmed, widen. He quickly darts a look to Sam as if he doesn’t really understand. Sam’s hand is shaking as he grabs Dean’s shoulder, the leather jacket bunching in his fingers.

“Dean, I can’t.. I’m-“

Cas drops to the floor like his strings have been cut.

“Cas?!” Dean crouches down and cups his head. He isn’t moving.

“Sam. Bring the car to the door and I swear to Chuck if you even look at him funny I’ll kick your ass into next Tuesday.”

“Ok.” Sam starts moving. “Wait, Chuck?”

“Fucking go!” 

Dean puts an arm around Cas’ back, gingerly trying to avoid his massive wound. Slinging his limp arm over his own shoulders, he walks them slowly towards the car. He gets in the backseat and drags Cas’ body in to lay in his lap. Back against his thighs. Head held up by Dean’s arm.

Sam shuts the door behind them and gets in the front.

Dean’s hand hovers over his face not knowing what to do. 

Cas is so still.

Fisting his hands in Cas’ coat, Dean prays and imagines Chuck now, sitting on the grass with legs bent. Just patiently listening.

“Please. Don’t have sent me back just to see this. Don’t you fucking do this to me.” 

His eyes burn with unshed tears, but he ignores it. He can’t stop touching Cas’ slack face as his brother drives. His thumb leaves behind a smear of blood on his cheek. Keeping up a steady stream of pleading for his life, he strokes Cas’ lips. 

“Don’t let him die. Not now, dammit.”

He brushes his temple. Cheekbone. Stubbled Jaw. Runs fingers through messy hair that is always sticking up. The space between his eyebrows that furrows so often. It’s smooth and untroubled now. As he makes another pass over it with his thumb, he feels the skin there crinkle.

Cas slowly opens his eyes to see Dean’s. Dean cups the side of his face, firmly.

“Cas?” 

The angel gives a small smile then turns his face into Dean’s hand and falls back unconscious.

They’re finally at the motel. Sam opens the door and grabs an arm. They manage to get him in their room without anyone seeing and shrieking off to the cops.

He’s laid on Dean’s bed, pain etched all over his usually stoic face.

“Cas. What do you need? What can I do?” 

“Holy.. Holy oil.” He says with his eyes shut, through clenched teeth.

Dean looks at Sam who instantly runs out to the Impala. He grabs Cas’ hand and lets him almost break it with his grip. 

Sam rushes back and gives Dean the bottle. Cas’ hold is starting to slacken. 

“Hey, ya still with me? What now?”

He takes a few quick breathes and gets out, “Pour a few drops on a blade. Light it-“ He pauses to wince. “Light it until it scorches the steel and lay it against-“ He has to stop again.

”Okay. It’s okay. I got it.”

Dean quickly reaches for his bowie. Drips a little oil on its flat side. Before he even has to turn to him, Sam hands him a zippo.

Setting the knife down on the bedside table, he sits down on the bed next to Cas and hastily undoes the buttons of his ruined shirt. He gently pulls it open to expose the nasty injury. Cas tenses.

“I know. It’ll be ok. Just stay with me a little longer.”

He unbuckles Cas’ belt and pulls it free of the loops to hold up to his lips. Cas’ isn’t acknowledging him.

“Cas, C’mon. Bite down on this.” 

He takes it between his teeth with eyes still closed. 

Grabbing the knife, Dean flicks open the lighter, and ignites it to run over the oil-smeared steel. It catches fire for a second but burns out leaving it slightly blackened. He hesitates, eyes darting over Cas… already tensed tight in anguish. 

“Okay, hold on. I want you to think about uh-. “ He stops, searching. “Think about the bar that night. That stupid cake. You were jealous. You got my attention, right? You knew I would say yes even before I did. You’re there, okay?”

Cas nods, eyebrows furrowed.

“Remember that and everything after. Got it?”

He smiles weakly. 

Dean holds a breath and lays the blade flat against ragged and torn skin. 

Cas’ legs kick at the mattress, pushing him up as he writhes. Dean lays his arm along his torso to keep him down, when his back arches. He screams and the belt falls from his mouth. He turns his head into a pillow and his open-mouthed noises of pain are muffled.

“You’re okay. I’m here, Cas. You’re doing good. Really good. Almost done.”

Hands fisted in the sheets, he slowly relaxes back into the bed.

Fuck it hurts to see this. To be the one doing it.

Dean pulls away the knife and there’s an angry red and black wedge in the shape of the blade across where the wound had been. Blood and grace are no longer trickling out.

Cas is heaving with labored breaths. “The.. the other one too.”

Dean grimaces at having to do it again but starts cutting the shirt off his upper body. Cas lies there, fading in and out as Dean pulls the arms of his coat off him. He’s dead weight, not helping at all. When Dean’s done, Cas is bare from the waist up and he can see the hole in his right shoulder. He repeats the process of readying the knife.

Getting up on a knee, he leans over Cas and braces his free hand on his bicep. He glances at his face and their eyes meet. Cas blinks once before closing his eyes again.

The blade covers the gash.

Cas fights upward involuntarily for a few moments. Dean lurches his upper body forward to hold him down hard.

“You’re doing so good. I promise it’s almost over.” He says against Cas’ temple.

Cas clutches at Dean’s arms as he’s held in place. Rubbing his lips against his skin, Dean tries to make soothing noises.

Finally Dean can lift the knife away and it’s done. When he looks down, Cas is unconscious..

+++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ 

He compulsively checks on Cas’ breathing every few minutes, looking to see if his chest is still rising and falling. Not that he’d know what to do if it wasn’t but he’s trying not to think about that.

Sam doesn’t say much. Nothing about Dean popping back to the land of the living. Nothing about Cas and him almost killing each other. He just waits for Dean to ask him to do or get something. 

Dean takes a bowl of warm water and gently washes blood off Cas’ chest. Sam watches and doesn’t say anything about that either. He’s sent to get bandages and Dean dresses the wounds as if he were human. It couldn’t hurt and he doesn’t know what else to do. He doesn’t know if it matters or not but it makes him feel like he’s actively doing something.

Halfway through binding his shoulder wound, Cas wakes up for a moment.

“Dean?” he gasps.

“Yeah, Cas.”

“You’re.. gone.”

“No, I’m right here.”

His eyes roll back for a minute and it seems he’s out again but then he continues.

“No, you’re gone. Always gone. Always leaving or dying or..”

Dean pushes him back down by his good shoulder.

“Shh. I’m here. You gotta lay back. Everything’s ok.”

Cas lets himself be pressed back down and groans.

“Just rest.. It’ll be alright. I’m with you.”

Cas goes back out.

After another hour of feeling helpless, Dean gets up and takes Cas’ shoes, socks and pants off. He doesn’t look his brother’s way the whole time as he goes to grab some sweat pants and pulls them over Cas’ blue boxers he’d see so often recently. When he starts to gently tug at the sweat and blood soiled bedspread under him, Sam appears on the other side of the bed.

“Here, you hold him up. I’ll get it.”

They manage to remove it without jarring the hurt angel too much. 

Dean notices they both look like warmed over shit. “Go get a shower, Sammy.”

Sam hesitates and when Dean turns back to Castiel, he grabs him into a rough hug. Dean returns it and after long minutes, he pushes Sam towards the bathroom.

Sam eventually falls asleep on his bed. Dean’s leaning back on the legs of a chair he dragged between the beds, staring up at the lightbulb maintenance must have come in and replaced while they were gone. Probably while he was dead.

“Dean.”

“Cas?” He sits forward, dropping the chair so all legs are on the floor.

Cas pushes himself up with his arms till he’s sitting up against the headboard and hisses in pain.

“Hey, easy. You almost bought it and I don’t think clapping brings you guys back.”

Cas winces again as he settles in place.

“I can assure you, it does not.”

Dean sits on the bed next to him.

“You gonna make it?” He voice is gruff but at least it’s steady.

“Since I lasted through the night, it would appear I will survive.”

Cas looks down at his naked chest before pressing fingers to the bandages. 

“Yeah, Uh, I had to cut off your shirt.”

“I see that.”

Dean is staring at him, but Cas doesn’t add anything else. He watches Cas slowly peel back the medical tape on his abdomen. With him awake and out of the woods, Dean can’t help enjoying the way the muscles around his flat stomach move. It’s so damn good to see him lucid and not cringing in pain. He gets a little lost in a memory of working his way down that chest.

Cas seems to notice his staring or maybe he caught a stray thought because he frowns and looks straight at Dean.

“I’ll need another shirt.”

Dean shakes himself. “Yeah, sure.” 

He goes to his own duffel bag and grabs him a faded Van Halen shirt, even though Sam’s clothes would probably fit better. On his way back he says, “So you can’t just zap your shirt back together, huh?”

“No, I-“

Dean goes to lift the shirt over his head.

“Dean, I can do it.”

“Shut up, Cas.”

He gently pulls his arms through the holes.

Huffing, Cas growls out, “No, I won’t be zapping anything for a while.”

Cas almost looks cute in his oversized t-shirt. The emotional toll of the last few days makes him want to laugh and cry for no reason. Between finding out Sam was trying to kill Cas, to breaking it off with him, to fucking dying.. and then watching Cas almost die, he needed a stiff drink.

Dean tries to grab Cas’ hand but he shifts it away before their fingers touch.

“What happened? Why are you.. here?”

“Oh, well Ch-..God brought me back.”

“He just.. resurrected you?”

“Yeah, it’s.. I’ll tell you the whole crazy thing later. You still look pretty rough.”

Cas’ face is scrunched so seriously.

Dean smiles and thinks really hard about kissing him breathless so he’s not frowning anymore. If he didn’t still look so drained, Dean would probably not be able to help it.

“Dean. I am.. You can not fathom how glad I am that you are alive.. sitting here.” 

Cas’ hand shakes as he moves it to almost touch Dean’s but he closes it. Dean feels him withdrawing.

“But you need to give me space.” 

Dean doesn’t even smile when he hears the verbal quote marks he adds. Space.. a word he’s pretty sure Cas read in some chick magazine about relationship advice. He’s never hated a word more.

“Cas. Before.. I didn’t mean that. With Sam going AWOL, I had to-“

“I know why you did it.”

“What?”

“I remember when you told me to take Ben and Lisa’s memories of you.” Cas says evenly. “And in Purgatory. I pushed you through the portal.. forced myself to let go of your hand. So I do understand.”

“Awesome, then you know that crap was just to get you outta the way.. though I guess it ended up doing a pretty piss poor job.”

He’s quiet, not lifting his head to meet Dean’s anxious eyes. 

“Cas?”

“I know why but.. I’m tired Dean. I can’t just go back as we were. You push me away.. It’s as if you’re looking for an excuse.”

“Cas, no.”

“I don’t have.. experience with this, but I know it hurts worse every time. I’m unable to just forget the pain as you do. Everytime I have to let you go it’s harder for me.“ Cas bites his lip and continues. “And you were right, you don’t need me anymore.”

“C’mon that’s bullshit. I was just saying that-“

“It doesn’t mean it was not the truth. What we were doing.. you can move on.”

“I don’t want to. Dammit, I know how much of a dumbass I’ve been.. but we can start over now. We’re both here and alive and-”

“Perhaps I do.” It cuts through everything else Dean was going to say.

“Goddammit Cas, don’t do this.”

“I need to rest. My wound is not healing as quickly as I would have hoped. It will be several days more at least as is.”

He turns a little to the side and closes his eyes. Dean stares at his back helplessly. 

He replays their short conversation for hours afterwards. It’s like a sore spot in his mouth that would stop hurting if he would only stop prodding it with his tongue. Over and over. Cas doesn’t want him anymore. Is tired of his issues. Tired of being hurt. Well that’s fair. Dean is pretty fucking good at screwing up. Why did he think everything would be roses just because they both managed to be alive in the same room together? 

The day rolls on to late afternoon. Cas goes in and out of sleeping, something he’s never seen him do. Just another sign of how close the angel had been to not making it. 

Getting antsy from being cooped up with the same four walls for so long, Dean turns off the tv. Sam looks up at him. 

“C’mon, lets get out of here for a little while.”

He leaves his cell phone on the bedside table next to Cas and grabs his jacket. 

They drive just up the road to a Bar/Grill and order beers and food. While they wait for it, Dean starts talking.

“There was always something there. I didn’t.. pay attention to it or like let myself see it too often because.. well ya know.”

Sam shakes his head not getting what Dean's not saying.

“The fact that he has different equipment for one thing. Well I guess the same equipment..”

“Yeah, I get it.” Sam stops him before they can talk anymore about Celestial penises.

“Obviously I’m not the best with touchy feely talks.”

Sam gives him a bitch face and mutters, “Ya think?”

Dean keeps his eyes on the label of his beer that just arrived. “I was diseased Sam and he never looked away no matter how ugly it got. Freaking fought me to let him help.” He swallows. “It just kinda snuck up on me. He forced his way in until I didn’t realize how much we’d changed. In the beginning, I thought ok I need this now, but afterward we’ll go back to..”

He remembers how Cas said he couldn’t just go back. His stomach is in knots and it’s hard to take a sip of the beer. He fucked that up but Cas had survived so at least he had that.

Sam clears his throat and asks. “So, the uh other stuff..”

Dean runs a hand through his hair and finally brings his eyes up from the table top. “Ok, I’m only going to say this once then we’re never ever gonna talk about it again.”

His brother raises his eyebrows in invitation.

“It’s like .. Imagine that feeling you get when you’re all riled up during a fight. The adrenaline’s pumping. Bad guy’s got a few hits in. For maybe a second you’re not sure who’s gonna win. Take that excitement and you come kinda close to what it is.” 

He got that out in maybe one breath and he looks up to see Sam is still staring at him, giving nothing back.

“Cas isn’t like hurting me or some shit and I’m not covering with a story about falling into a door knob here. It’s..all a part of it and I like it. I mean, I kick big monster ass all day long.. you know I wouldn’t be.. I can obviously stop it if I wanted. But I don’t.. didn’t. Whatever.”

Sam’s quiet, watching him. Dean sighs at the table and keeps talking because he’s nervous and maybe it feels good to get it out.

“You don’t gotta understand it. You just have to know I’m happy for once and he does that.”

Sam’s mouth kinda twists at the corners in a mocking but proud smile. “Good job, Dean. I think that’s the most in touch with your feelings you’ve ever been.”

Dean rolls his eyes. “Don’t be a douche. This is like worse than sitting through that 3 hour Titanic movie with you.”

They laugh together and Dean feels every tense bone in his shoulders and neck release a little.

“So why the hell would you go to that smarmy demon asshole?”

Sam shifts with guilt. “I didn’t know what else to do. I had to know what that-.”

“Well don’t worry about it.. it’s gone.” He cuts in abruptly. “It was something.. special. Anyway, Enochian doesn’t do anything if you’re not an angel. Crowley was playing you.” 

“I got that. But you weren’t telling me anything, Dean. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t have freaked too.” 

“So the King of Hell is the one you have on speed dial?”

Sam lets go of the defensive tone he’d been building and allows, “Yeah, I know. Dick move.”

“Epic dick move.” Dean nods before taking a drink.

“I should… when Cas is feeling better, I’ll talk to him.” After a pause Sam sucks in a deep breath and starts, “Dean, when I-“

“Don’t.”

“I couldn’t stop.. But I tried. Jesus, your blood was everywhere. I thought-”

“Look Sammy. We’ve cut ourselves up over shit like this for too long. I’m ok. You’re ok. Cas is gonna be ok. Let’s not make this anymore of a Sandra Bullock movie.”

Sam sniffs and coughs to clear his throat. They sit quietly for a bit. It’s enough, being back to a good place. Brothers.

“So you and Cas..” Sam says testing it out loud.

“Yeah..”

“You realize you’re like corrupting an angel.”

Dean laughs. “Dude.. you have no idea how little corrupting he needed.”

“Stop.”

Grinning Dean adds, “I mean he’s done things to me..”

“Ugh enough.”

“You would not believe how he-“

“Okay! God my ears are bleeding.”

Dean enjoys his brother’s mock horror for a minute more before his good mood is dampened.

“It doesn’t even matter now. He doesn’t wanna go there again.”

“Well Dean, you could always try serenading him with AC/DC? Oh wait you don’t want him to fly off.”

Dean throws a balled up napkin at him. They both take another drink from their bottles.

Smirking Sam says, “So what the hell is this about Chuck being God?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if you had to wait a wee bit longer for this, but at least I left you in a better place last chapter. Adore all your feedback, dears. The next chapter will most likely be the last but fret not.. there will be a sequel/timestamp or two. Do you still love me? I love you.


	22. Mending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let me just spend some time with you.

Dean comes back to the room alone with Sam’s laptop under his arm. Talking with his brother had made him feel a lot better, enough to allow in the smallest bit of optimism. Optimism and Determination..

He closes the door and sees Cas awake and staring at the ceiling like he’s contemplating the meaning of life or something equally heavy. 

He darts his eyes quickly to Dean as he enters then returns them upward.

“You’re back.”

“You’re up.”

“I’m feeling more myself.”

Dean stops and gets a shot of panic. “Still stranded though, right?”

“Yes it will be several days, as I said.”

Dean nods and continues walking towards the tv. 

Cas sits up. “Where is Sam?”

“Was kinda getting crowded in here. He got another room but he wants to talk to you later if it’s alright.”

“I doubt I’ll be much of an opponent at the moment.”

“I said talk, not fight. We worked it out. I.. explained some stuff to him.”

Cas looks incredulous but Dean just smiles and grabs the two wires he’d brought with him.

“What are you doing?”

“Well you’ve got to be bored.” Dean talks over his shoulder as he plugs them in behind the tv. He makes sure to lean over extra far to do it.. just to see. When he turns around, Cas’ eyes were definitely lower and he’s flush.

He swallows. “I am more patient than you, Dean. I can stand to lie quietly for longer than ten minutes at a time.”

Dean rolls his eyes. “Thanks.” He grabs the control and sits on the edge of the bed, finding the auxiliary channel.

“Dean, stop. I thought I made myself clear-“

Half turning to face him, Dean says “Yeah and I heard you. You don’t want any of this hot body. Fine. But dammit Cas, we were friends.. as close as family. I’m not gonna let you just take off over the horizon and leave it this way.” It had started out playful but ended gruff and too harsh. 

Cas just frowns as if he wasn’t sure what Dean was planning or trying to see the trick.

“Dean..”

“Please Cas, let’s just sit here for a while and watch some tv, ok? You’re grounded from any flight plans anyway. Let me just spend some time with you.”

Dean sees him tilt his head and he has to turn away from the familiar gesture. He busies himself connecting the other end of the wires into the laptop. When Cas doesn’t try to stop him again he adds, “Besides you’re stuck here so it’s not like you have much choice.”

“You don’t think so?”

Dean ignores the pulse in his dick that the challenging words give him. “So, uh anyway, Charlie said you remind her of Spock.. and before you even say it, I know you don’t know who that is. I figure we’d start with some Star Trek, that way when.. if you ever see Charlie again you’ll get what she’s talking about.”

He turns back to the laptop and hits play on the video file. He’d picked the new movie since they were short on time. Maybe if things went well he’d be able to introduce him to Shatner.. if they were at a better place one day. In the meantime, Dean was going to make it his mission to give him a crash course in the best movies had to offer. Maybe he’d pick up some of the references Dean is always quoting.

“You’ll like Spock. He’s sorta a kindred spirit.” Dean smirks at the thought of Cas with pointy ears and angled eyebrows. “And the green-skinned Orion slave chick isn’t half bad to look at either.”

“Green-skinned?” Cas asks like he can’t help his curiosity.

Dean grins, not facing him. “You’ll see.” He leans back on his elbows and watches from the end of the bed. Cas remains blank-faced up by the headboard. He’s mostly quiet through the movie but Dean notices his eyes widen when Kirk gets busy with the half-naked green girl and feels him tense during the battle scenes.

The credits roll as Deans asks, “So what’d ya think?”

With no emotion Cas says, “I think we have watched a movie together and now it’s done.”

“Oh c’mon. You can enjoy it and I’ll still respect you in the morning.”

“Will you please leave me alone in peace now?”

“Do you need to rest?”

“No.”

“So Ghostbusters or Back to the Future?”

Cas sighs, exasperated. “This will not change anything, Dean.”

“Ghostbusters. Good choice.”

Dean clicks on the next movie without another word. He hears Cas breathe out through his nose in annoyance behind him.

They’re almost halfway through the movie when he hears, “You seem to have an obsession with green-skin.”

Dean laughs and looks back at him. “Slimmer is a ghost that’s made up of Ectoplasm. It’s not skin. Pay attention. There will be a quiz.”

Cas folds his arms and mutters about the ridiculousness of green ghosts but continues watching.

Sam comes in with a takeout bag near the end. Dean looks between the two and gets up.

“Hey, I’m gonna grab a quick shower.”

“But a giant marshmallow ghost is laying siege to the city.”

Dean keeps a straight face but it’s hard. “It’s not a ghost. I’ll explain when I get back.”

Grabbing some clothes, he shuts the bathroom door. He hears the muffled sound of voices as he turns on the water. Hopefully they’ll be able to reconcile. If anyone could, it’s Sam. He’s great with empathetic hallmark moments.

After his shower, Dean pulls on the baggie sleep shorts he found at the bottom of his duffel bag. Towel-drying his hair he considers for a moment before rolling the shirt he brought in up in the wet towel. Couldn’t hurt.

When he walks out, the look Cas lets cross his face before he can close it off is worth it.

Cas busies himself with opening his burger in his lap, avoiding Dean’s obviously naked chest. “Your brother left food.”

“Awesome, I’m starving.”

He sits up by Cas at the headboard this time. Cas eyes him wearily but only takes a bite of his food. After chewing and swallowing, he says “Explain the Marshmallow Ghost now.”

After they finish the second Ghostbusters movie, Dean is yawning and clicks off the tv. They are both quiet while their eyes adjust and Dean finally says he needs sleep.

“How’s the wounds?”

Cas lifts up his shirt to press at the bandages. “I believe they are steadily healing.”

Dean gives him a devilish smile and Cas drops his shirt back, frowning. 

“Were you just asking so that I would bare my chest?”

“Guilty. But I am glad you’re doing better.”

Cas looks away but Dean catches the twist of his lips.

“Well, see you in the morning.”

Dean moves to Sam’s old bed and stretches out on his back with hands behind his head. It’s hard not to think about the angel only 10 feet away that he’s done seriously sinful things with.

“Dean?”

“Yeah, Cas?”

“Are you planning to watch movies tomorrow as well?”

“Do you want to?”

“I thought my feelings on the matter were irrelevant.”

Dean sighs. “You always have a choice, Cas. You know that better than anyone.”

There’s silence after that and Dean finally rolls onto his side. He’s almost asleep when he hears a soft, “Goodnight, Dean.”

+++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++ +++

If Dean had been awake, he would have seen Cas staring at him most of the night like he was trying to figure him out. But Dean slept soundly for a whole 5 and half hours, until the sun shone in through the curtains and woke him.

Rolling over, Dean sees Cas facing the ceiling again, bent arm behind his head. Squinting because his eyes refuse to take the harsh morning light yet he asks, “Get any sleep?”

“I don’t need to anymore.”

“Oh, well that’s good, right?”

“Yes.” 

Dean sits up and twists his neck to loosen any kinks. “You wanna go get some breakfast? This place has a free one before 10am.”

“You know it is unnecessary for me.” He says watching Dean stretch before turning his eyes upward again.

“Bacon is necessary. Need to change clothes first?”

“This will be sufficient.”

Dean was kinda happy Cas was still in his clothes. Some caveman-ish territorial throwback that he can’t help reveling in just a little bit. And if Cas didn’t have to sleep, he most likely didn’t have to shower like the lowly humans anyway. Dean searched his bag for some clean clothes and goes into the bathroom to finish his morning necessities.

When he comes out, he waits while Cas takes slow steps around the room, hunching in on himself. After a few more minutes, his posture straightens and he stops holding his side. 

“Ok so you wanna put your shoes back on?”

“No, this will be fine.”

“Cas, you’re barefoot.”

“It’s less confining. Do you not want your bacon?”

“Alright. Whatever.”

They walk along the motels cement sidewalk until Dean pauses to beat on a door on the way and yell “Breakfast!” They continue walking until they find a room with a small kitchen. There’s a several covered dishes laid out with coffee, juice and thank Chuck, bacon.

Cas was getting some odd looks from the few guests that had been tempted out of their rooms. His hair was sticking up from being in bed for 2 days and he had a little more stubble than usual. He was still in Dean’s sweat pants, slung low on his hips despite the tied draw string, a faded Van Halen tshirt and no shoes. He looked rumpled and.. fucking hot. Dean kept getting preoccupied with the way the pants were resting on his hipbones as he pointed out things for Cas to add to his plate.

They sat at one of the picnic tables outside. Dean got a bit lost in watching Cas’ mouth until he looked up from experimentally nipping on bacon.

“What?”

“I didn’t say anything.” Dean speared an egg and avoided his eyes.

Out of his peripheral, he caught Cas’ head tilt and little satisfied smile. Dean squinted his eyes but now Cas was the one not meeting them.

“Did you just fucking read my mind?”

“Of course not, Dean.” Cas says, almost convincingly except the way he’s still not looking up. He seems very interested in poking at his eggs.

Dean focuses on when he’d given Cas a blowjob and tries to put as much sensory memory into the thought as possible. He was on his knees in the grass with Cas pushing down his throat. He’d just come and Cas was almost there. Dean thought he’d looked fierce and powerful. In control even as he was about to lose it. Fingers so tight in his hair. He was watching Cas’ face above him. His eyes would clench as if in pain. Mouth dropping open. Breath hitching.

Cas gasps across the table from him. Dean smirked evilly when he saw his pink cheeks and widened pupils. When he bites his lip, looking suddenly overwhelmed, it gives Dean a shot of pride.

“You wanna know something, just ask. I’m an open book.”

Dean innocently takes a bite of pancakes and licks syrup off the corner of his mouth as indecently as possible.

When Sam sets his tray of food down on the table next to Cas, he jumps.

“Hey, you alright, Cas?”

“Yes.” Cas said, glaring off towards the parking lot.

As he pours cream into his coffee, Sam asks, “How you healing up?” 

“I will be able to leave within a day.” He says still looking away.

Sam flicks his eyes up to Dean then back to his food. Dean just sighs and puts his fork down. 

“Nice shirt, by the way.” And there’s amusement in Sam’s voice.

“It belongs to Dean.”

“Yeah I figured.” Sam reaches over and lays a folded map next to his brother’s plate. When Dean raises his eyebrows, Sam nods.

“Cas, you done?”

“Yes.”

“Then let’s go.”

After waving goodbye to Sam, Dean walks off towards the Impala. Cas follows behind. Once they’re on the road a few minutes he asks, “Where are we going?”

“Not too far. Just a change of scenery.”

Cas doesn’t say anything else but looks out the window as they drive. Dean checks the folded map a few times with one hand on the steering wheel. About 40 minutes later, he curses as he stops abruptly then reverses to pull down a dirt road. They drive another 10 minutes before Dean slowly pulls off next to a dense collection of trees. He gets out and so does Cas.

Spinning around slowly, Cas asks, “Where are we?”

“Nowhere.” Dean says smiling. “C’mon.”

They walk off into the trees until they start to spread out. Dean stops and seems to choose a tree at random to sit against.

Cas frowns down at him. “I don’t understand.”

“Just sit down, will ya?”

He sits with legs stretched out in front of him and stiff like he’s unsure of what Dean is doing.

“I thought you’d like to be outside for a while after being cooped up for so long.”

Cas turns his head to look at him then out at the trees circling them. 

“Thank you, Dean.”

They enjoy the quiet for a long time. Not a sound of humanity within miles. Green leaves fall every once in a while with the breeze. Rain’s coming but it’s still a ways off. You can smell it in the air.

Dean opens his eyes and watches Cas who has his knees bent and is running fingers through the healthy thick grass. He can’t help chuckling. “You remind me of… Him” He doesn’t know if Cas would appreciate thinking of his Father as Chuck so he leaves that part out for now.

“Who?”

“God.”

“How would I remind you of Him?”

“Well He graced me with a little one on one time before He sent me back.”

“He spoke to you? What did He say?” He can hear the wonder in Cas’ voice.

“A lot of stuff. We talked about Sam and .. you. I’m only here again because he thought.. well he did it for you. He seems to like you.”

Cas’ mouth is a little open, eyebrows knit as he takes in everything Dean just said. When Dean doesn’t continue, he rests his head back against the tree and sighs.

After a moment.. “Tell me about your heaven, Dean.”

Dean whole face lights up as he remembers. Smiling he says, “It was a lot like this. That first place you took me to fight. I think you said it was somewhere in Oregon?”

Cas’ brow furrows but he doesn’t turn towards Dean. “You mean it was a wilderness, like this?” 

Dean grabs his face and makes him look at him. Cas is startled and they breathe too close to each other from a gasp away. His eyes settle on Cas’ mouth then drag back up to meet his gaze.

“No. I mean it was that place.”

Cas stares at him and the moment fills with potential. When he doesn’t move forward, Dean releases his face and returns to his position of back to the tree, jaw clenching with anger now. Angry that Cas is fucking leaving tomorrow. Angry that everything always turns to shit and he can’t help ruining anything good that he gets. Angry that they’re both here and alive and Cas can’t see past his goddamn-

Fingers are lacing with his on the ground. He looks at them in confusion and follows the arm up to Cas’ face. He stares at him, like they’ve done countless times and gives him a small smile before turning back out to their secluded forest. Dean swallows and does as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had to break up the last chapter or it would have been a mammoth beast and taken twice as long to get out. Also, as someone who suffers from social anxiety.. I'm a firm believer that sitting inside and watching movies can cure most problems. Don't judge me. Hope you're enjoying more sugar and less angst. I'll try to reward you as best I can for enduring this long. (o:`,


	23. Worshipping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean watches him, wishing he knew where they stood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The following contains spoilers for Star Trek: Into the Darkness. Also this chapter turned into kind of a book. So make some tea, curl up somewhere and enjoy my last chapter.

The sun disappears behind approaching clouds and the breeze gets cooler. Cas’ fingers stay loosely between his as they each get lost in their own thoughts. After a while, he feels a thumb rub over the top of his hand. Dean realizes this is what his heaven was but now it’s complete with Cas next to him. They stay like that in comfortable silence until he can’t help noticing the darkening sky anymore. His voice sounds too loud when he says, “We need to head back.”

“Of course.” Cas uncurls his hand and Dean watches him stand. He frowns at his empty hand, wishing he knew where they stood. Brushing his palms off on his jeans, he stands and turns in a circle, looking for the path back to where he parked.

“So I think we-“

Cas kisses him. Just a quick press of lips. Chaste and sweet.

From too close, Cas looks so serious and says, “Thank you. This was very nice, Dean.”

“Yeah. Sure, Cas. I’m-I’m glad you liked it.” He sounds hoarse. “Um.. I think we came from this way.”

He breathes out shallowly as he walks past the angel who turns to walk alongside him. Dean can’t take the sudden heavy quiet so he says, “If you want, we can probably watch the second Star Trek when we get back.”

“Is Spock going to be in this one as well?”

“Ha! I knew you’d like him.”

Cas doesn’t argue but smiles as he opens his passenger door.

They drive back listening to a Black Sabbath tape, only stopping to grab take-out. Cas doesn’t even protest that he doesn’t require it.

When they reach the motel, it’s pouring and they get soaked getting to the door. Dean stomps his boots on the cheap mat as he closes the door behind Cas. He pinches his shirt to pull it away from his chest a few times and sets the food down on the small table.

“Hey, think I’ll grab a quick-“

Dean completely forgets what he was going to say when he sees Cas pulling his shirt over his head in one fluid motion.

“Uh, what are you doing?”

“My shirt was wet.” Cas says as if it was obvious. He starts peeling off the medical tape to inspect the wounds. There’s only a small discoloration remaining of what had been an ugly set of burnt gashes. 

He’s staring. He knows it but he still stands there watching drops rolls down Cas’ smooth chest. Lower.. lower.. to catch on the cinched waist of the sweat pants.. barely held up on his angular hips..

“How do they look?” Cas asks.. impassive except for raising his eyebrows. 

“Good..” Blinking dumbly, Dean realizes his head is actually bent gawking so he straightens quickly. “You look.. uh good. Healing-wise and all.” 

Amazing how he used to never think twice about male anatomy..especially his friend’s and now he couldn’t seem to stop ogling him. He turns and over his shoulder says, “Shower.”

Things are so precarious as it is. He’s afraid of pushing or making the wrong move. They’d had a moment but Cas didn’t say anything about not leaving. As far as he knew, Cas would be gone tomorrow. He felt nauseas at doing anything to keep him from coming back.

Fuck.

Dean took the quickest shower known to man or angel and tried hard not to dwell on lusty thoughts of wet skin.

When he dressed and walked out, Cas was sitting cross-legged on his bed with food boxes spread out over the covers. He’d found another of Dean’s tshirts. Zeppelin this time, one of Dean’s favorites. The laptop was open and waiting. Dean sits down next to Cas by the headboard without hesitating and with a few clicks they were back in the 23rd century. Cas hands him a takeout box of Lo Mein without taking his eyes off the screen.  
It feels.. right. Comfortable and kinda normal in its simplicity. Like what he was always searching for with Lisa and tried to forget he wanted with a one-night stand. Grinning, he starts eating.

Towards the end of the movie, he notices Cas frowning. 

“What’s a matter?”

“Does Captain Kirk not get jealous of Spock’s relationship with the Uhura alien?” 

“Uhura’s her name. She’s human, not everyone’s an alien. And why would Kirk be jealous?”

“They are clearly in love. Is monogamy not common in this projected future?” he questions, squinting at the tv.

“What?! No they’re not!”

“Should we watch the movie again? I don’t mind. Though I would like to finish it first.”

“Kirk and Spock are not in love, Cas. It’s like a… brotherly thing. Space.. comrades, whatever.”

Cas’ eyebrows raise thoughtfully.

“It might have begun so, but did you not see Spock as he watches him die? Or as he rushes to avenge his death with Kain?”

“Khan.” Dean corrects softly, staring at Cas’ lips as he talks. Is Cas purposely drawing allusions to them? Probably not. He seems to be just matter of factly explaining his point to Dean.

“Yes, Khan.” Cas turns back to the tv, seemingly unaware of Dean’s preoccupied state.

“Dean, you will miss the ending if you do not pay attention. As I recall, there will be a test afterwards.” He says all of this with innocence that Dean is beginning to doubt.

Nevertheless, he focuses back on the movie but can’t really seem to concentrate on its story anymore.

Cas seems just as engrossed in the next movie he puts on and Dean starts to think he was projecting when he thought Cas was making a connection with the movie. Stupid really. He’s just getting tired. Despite his drooping eyes, he doesn’t want to go to sleep and miss what could be the last time he saw Cas in a while. 

Somewhere during the middle of Back to the Future, he must have done just that though because he’s pretty sure he didn’t have a naked female alien on him a few minutes ago. He’s still on the bed exactly where he had been but now there’s an Orion slave girl sitting on his lap and he seems to be.. yep not wearing a stitch on his already hard body. Not the worst dream by a long shot. He’d take this over a Purgatory or Hell flashback any day.

She’s tracing his lips with a green finger and pouting seductively. Kissing his chin. Then his throat. He watches her long and tangled orange hair disappear down his torso as she’s suddenly between his legs. Smiling, she wraps her soft peach-colored lips around the head of his dick and he closes his eyes. He grunts and thrusts into her mouth, bringing his hand down to grab some of her hair but his fingers slide out too quickly. He’s confused for a second until he opens his eyes and sees short hair, dark brown and messy, in his hand. His thumb brushes over a pointed ear. A happy moan, that is much too deep, vibrates around his dick. The mouth pulls off him when Cas looks up, pink lips shiny. He licks them now and when he raises an eyebrow, it’s sharply angled.

Dean bolts upright next to Cas. The tv is off but the angel is sitting up against the headboard with legs stretched out just like before. When Dean looks at him in confusion he asks, “What were you dreaming about, Dean?”

He knows his mouth is hanging open but he can’t seem to help it. His whole body feels flush and hot. He can still see Cas’ Vulcan self.. practically still feel soft lips.. 

Cas licks his lower lip and looks at him from beneath his eyelashes. “Was it a nightmare?” He asks, all sincerity and concern.. except the sweat pants don’t hide much. 

Before he can say another cocky word, Dean gets up and crowds him, knees bent on either side of his legs, hands forcing his face to Dean’s. He kisses the smile right off his lips.

“Perhaps something more pleasant, then.”

“Stop being such a smug sonofabitch.” 

Dean grins when Cas surges into the kiss, grabbing his hips too hard to grind his groin against him for a second. Dean gasps next to his jaw.. trying to calm down.

“It must have been a very good dream, Dean. It seems as though you are close, already.”

Dean rubs his lips along the stubble of his neck and his heart stutters when Cas rocks him against his lap so their dicks rub back and forth through clothing.

“It’s just been so long... and you’re really good at screwing with me. Fuck!” He gasps again. Everything’s happening so quick. 

“Screwing with you or just screwing you?” Cas says, voice deep right in his ear, then worries his teeth on Dean’s earlobe.

Clutching him tight, Dean actually freaking shivers. Jesus. Between the dream and that voice he feels like he might cum any moment.

“Dean, I don’t want you to just give in to the first gratifying sensation you experience. You need to learn patience.”

He pulls back to frown at him. Why are they talking again? 

“You’re not going to let go until I tell you to.”

“Something tells me that won’t be in the next few minutes.”

“You did make it very difficult on me these last few days.” 

Cas moves his hands under Dean’s shirt to bring short nails down over his nipples. "Flaunting your bare chest..”

Claws at his ass through the denim. “Bending over..”

He thrusts upwards and Dean grinds his teeth. “Thinking obscene thoughts at me.”

“You deserve exactly what I give you, Dean and I don’t believe I should allow you an easy time.”

“Yeah Cas. Whatever you want.” Shuddering, Dean revels in the friction even as he knows he won’t let him finish. He ruts against Cas harder. Harder.

“Stop, Dean.”

Fuck. He lets the mounting tension go and stills, hands fisted in his Zeppelin shirt covering Cas’ shoulders. When he thinks he can speak again, he barks out, “Why are you wearing this?” 

“I know you like it when I wear your clothing.”

“Yeah, I really do but I like it even better when you’re not wearing anything.” Dean puts on his best seductive smile, trying to control the constant demands his body is making. Pounce. Rut. Thrust. Fuck. It’s getting harder to stay immobile.

“It will only make it harder on you.”

“I don’t care.” His voices sounds desperate but he doesn’t give a shit. Without asking, he grabs the ends of the shirt and pulls upwards. Cas obligingly lifts his arms. Kissing him hungrily again, he rubs Cas’ hard cock through the sweat pants before moving backwards, roughly pulling them down his legs.

“You’re so goddamn gorgeous, Cas.” Dean strokes fingers down his stomach and sharp hips, watching their progress. “I’m so sorry I -“

Cas sits up and kisses him, abruptly cutting him off. It’s thorough and intense and Dean almost forgets what he was saying when Cas rasps, “You’re sorry, Dean?”

Dean pants and starts, “Yeah, I –“

“Show me how sorry you are.” He says, voice rough against his lips.

“Huh?”

“What part are you having trouble understanding?”

Cas’ eyes are dark and it’s the sudden unyielding tone that has him right back on the fucking brink… but Cas doesn’t want him to come so he tries to clear his mind and focus on the very nude angel spread out underneath him. Telling him to..

Cas isn’t offering to “help him” or any such shit this time. He’s just flat out telling him to do it. Watching him with an unwavering gaze.. waiting.

Dean licks his lips and moves off Cas’ lap to sit next to him on the bed. Without thinking about what he’s doing too hard, he bends to lick the entire length of him from sack to head. Cas’ leg twitches but besides that he doesn’t respond. Dean does it again and looks up so Cas can see his eyes this time. He’s sucking in breaths shallowly as he watches. Dean knows he’s not going to have much finesse with this but he’s pretty sure Cas wants to see him show submission, not skill. Dean sucks on the head, slowly twirling his tongue.. always staring upward. Always keeping eye contact. He imagines it will make the act look even more subservient. Sticking his tongue out, he tries to swallow as much as possible, almost gagging. Cas is biting his lip, making steady, quiet “Mmph” noises in the back of his throat with every downward bob. His eyes stay on Dean, despite how he seems to be fighting to keep them from drifting shut.

Dean works his dick steadily deeper.. deeper.. until Cas says, “Enough.”

It’s hard to give up seeing Cas like this after so long.. the sounds he makes are kinda addictive. When Dean keeps going down.. one, two more times, his hair is gripped tight in a merciless hold and used to pull him up.

“I said enough. Did you not hear me?”

Dean licks his lip free of excess saliva and considers lying.

“Answer me, Dean.”

“I heard you.”

Cas smiles, cocking an eyebrow. “I savor your obstinacy. You can’t seem to help making things so much harder on yourself.” His lets go of Dean’s hair and brings his thumb down to rub Dean’s bottom lip. “Get on your back.”

Dean licks out over Cas’ thumb before moving back to lie flat. Cas pushes up his shirt and immediately bends over him to lick and nibble a slow path down his chest. Very slow. And with detours. Over his nipples. Ribs. Navel. He unbuttons his jeans and by the time his mouth finally reaches the dip where his groin begins, Dean is shaking. Cas opens his zipper and pulls his cock out through his boxers, but skips the throbbing area he wants attention on most. He slides lower in the bed to bite his inner thigh through the jeans. It’s feels like faint little pinches trailing further away from his aching core.

Dean looks down, then lets his head fall back groaning in frustration rather than anything more enjoyable. He chokes when he feels a long strip being licked up his cock. Cas mimicked his earlier move exactly. When he forces Dean’s cock deep in his throat and makes eye contact, he has to fist the sheet and look away, worried he’ll lose it.

Cas pulls back. “Look at me, Dean.”

The bastard.

Dean reluctantly flicks his eyes back down to see Cas smiling as he holds his gaze and swallows him down again. Jesus fuck.. how was he not supposed to cum? He wasn’t going to last another minute. Another thirty seconds..

“Casss, please.”

He’s not stopping. So deep. Sliding into wet.. warm.. heat..

Dean makes helpless noises and clenches his hand so his nails dig in to distract himself. 

Not breaking eye contact or rhythm, Cas grabs his balled fist and puts it on the back of his neck. Dean opens his hand and cups it, thumb brushing his hair line.

“Cas! Cas..” He gasps. “I’m..”

He pulls off, licking one last strip up.

“Yes, Dean?”

Breathing too hard he gets out, “Ugghh, Dammit! You’re..”

He trails off before he can call him an asshole.

“I’m what?”

“Nothing. Come up here.”

Cas crawls up his body, legs and arms caging him. He moans when their slicked cocks touch between them and Cas kisses along his jaw as his mouth falls open.

“Are you okay?” Sounding different for a moment.

Dean nods trying to kiss him, but Cas pulls back to evade him.

“Say it, Dean.”

Sighing in exasperation, Dean says, “Besides being ready to explode, yeah I’m peachy.”

When Cas begins to kiss his neck, Dean brings a hand up to clutch him closer. “God, I missed you.” He breathes out and gyrates his body along Cas’ for a brief moment.

“Mmm you missed this? Missed me telling you what to do? What not to do?” He murmurs into the collar of his shirt, along Dean’s clavicle. 

Tightening his fingers in Cas’ hair, he forces him to stop and look up. Surprised, he offers no resistance to Dean’s sudden display of aggression. 

“I missed you. This is.. awesome but it’s you I want.” Cas’ eyes lose their hardness and Dean gulps air and asks for what he wants most.. “Put it back on me.”

Cas tilts his head and smiles kind of cautious before he wipes away all emotion again. “Dean, you don’t need it anymore.”

“Yeah I do, Cas! I need it like I fucking need you. It physically hurt thinking you could fly off and never come back. I can pretend most days that I don’t need anything or anyone.. but I know that’s not true anymore.”

Cas watches his face, squinting. “Are you sure?”

Dean swallows and gruffly says, “Please, Castiel.”

Cas bites his lip and there’s excitement in his eyes that he can’t cover up with his blank look. “It will hurt you again. Remember the pain is very intense.”

“Just do it. Now.”

“No.” Cas grabs his head in both hands and kisses him enthusiastically.

Dean pulls back, ready to go off. “No?” He opens himself up and… and he knows, can fucking see Cas wants this too. Just as much even.

“Not yet.”

That almost shuts him up buts he can only redirect the anger to an impatient, “When?!”

“When I say.”

Dean tries to dampen his restless need and bites his cheek to keep quiet. As Cas pulls himself free of Dean’s hold he turns his head to lay his lips against his wrist. He meets Dean’s eyes above it as he kisses it. Then licks and bites down right on the area his Sigil had been. Would be again. A promise. 

When Cas’ gets up off the bed, Dean sits up on his elbows to see what he’s doing. It’s immediately colder without his body encasing his, but he ignores it. Cas searches around until he finds his pile of clothes. Dean enjoys the view as he bends down and pulls free his blue tie. On the way back, he grabs Dean’s knife and pauses to unscrew the lightbulb hanging from a fixture between the motel beds. His dick gives a pulse at what that implies. It's early evening so there's still enough natural light to see by. Cas crawls back over top of him, setting the knife down a few feet away on the other side of the bed.

“Take off your clothes.”

It would have been easier to do if Cas had not been basically sitting on him but he just waits, expectantly. Unhelpfully.

Dean’s stomach muscles tighten as he crunches forward and pulls off his shirt. His outstretched legs are still trapped by Cas sitting on them. When he raises his eyebrows at him, Cas only lifts up to his knees so Dean can pull off his opened pants and boxers underneath him. Between his legs. Once he gets them to his knees, he kicks them the rests of the way off and Cas lowers back down on his thighs. 

Dean’s heart leaps when Cas grabs his arm but he moves to take the other one as well. He wraps his tie high up around his right wrist, then links it with the left. When he knots the silk, his hands are together. Dean’s confused but definitely willing to see where this is going. He’d brought over the knife.. was he not planning to do it?

Cas uses the make-shift binding to pull his arms above his head and hooks it on one of the decorative knobs that line the top of the wooden headboard. When the motel owner picked it out, they’d probably thought it added some kind of character to the otherwise simple furnishing.. not that it’d be used in some kinky bondage sex.

Dean tugs on his bindings because he has to. He could probably use his arms to pull himself up and slip off the knob.. if Cas wasn’t planted on top of his lower body. As it was he was trapped, naked for his pleasure and it made him hot all over to think about. While hunting, this would have been deadly, but letting himself be restrained offered a dangerous aspect. It went against every instinct he had to allow himself to become so defenseless.  
When did he last trust someone this much? Did he ever?

His arms make an upside down V and goose-flesh rises on them when hands trace up to the tie.. then back down to meet at his collar bone. Holding Dean’s eyes, Cas moves his right hand until he’s cupping his throat. It fits snugly between thumb and fingers that curl around tight. Dean breathes shallowly and doesn’t look away. Gaze firm, showing him implicitly his faith. As Cas kisses him, his hold tightens for a moment, just so he can feel the pressure.. then let’s go.

Reaching over to the bedside table, he takes out a small tube. Dean licks his dry lips when he sees it’s the lube he left there from what seems forever ago.

He hisses as Cas strokes his cock with a slicked hand. It’s warm and almost too much, sliding easily and making lewd squelching sounds. There’s no mercy in his eyes while he takes extra long.

“Okay! Jesus. Unless you want me to cum in your hand, you need to stop.”

Cas rubs his thumb over his head, spreading precum and lube over the slit.

“Fuck, Cas. C’mon!”

Finally he lets go and shifts up on Dean’s stomach, leaning forward. He’s confused at what the hell he’s doing but then Cas is diving into his mouth and Dean has something new to concentrate on. Cas kisses him deep, invading his mouth and pressing him into the pillow. Teeth clash and…

The head of Dean’s dick is being pushed against-

He and Cas gasp almost at the same time for different reasons. They breathe each other’s air, lips laying against each other but not kissing. He’s deep inside Cas, who is still except for his heaving chest. It’s tight. Tighter than he ever imagined it’d be.. and sure he’d imagined it. Tighter than any chick, obviously. Almost overwhelming. Cas’ forehead rests on Dean’s. His eyes are closed but Dean’s are huge, watching every flicker that crosses his face.

Then Cas inhales and shifts up. Opening his eyes, he stares down at Dean as he sinks lower on his dick again. Dean’s arms shake and he yanks at where he’s restrained. 

“Shit, Casss…” He trails off, eyes rolling.

Cas pushes down a little quicker now, putting both hands on Dean’s chest for leverage. Dean can only watch as he rides him.. and Cas is an incredible sight. Hair sticking up from when Dean grabbed him by it. Eyes shut. Brows furrowed. Mouth letting little deep gasps escape.

Dean grits his teeth, plants his feet on the bed and thrusts up. Cas falls forward against his chest with the force of it. They kiss rough and bruising as Cas lets Dean fuck him from underneath, moaning short harsh sounds. Lips collide and connect briefly with every surge forward. His toes curl at the amazing feelings coursing through him as he pumps into Cas. It’s too fucking much and he feels his balls so close to tightening… wanting to empty into the warm, hot hole of Cas’ body.

“Cas, I can’t… I’m gonna cum.”

“Have I told you to yet?” He grabs Dean around the throat and squeezes for a second. “Are you considering disobedience, Dean?”

Groaning, Dean bites his lip so hard he tastes blood. Cas bends down to lick his wounded lip. He makes a pained noise but manages not to let go.

“You’ve been so good, Dean. You’ve earned this and so have I.” 

Without moving away, he reaches out to the bed next to their sweaty bodies. Sitting up, he brings the knife between them. He cups Dean's face, then trails his open hand down his neck, sternum until he holds it out and they both watch the blade slice through his palm. Blood trickles down to Dean’s chest. Cas smiles at Dean who just nods weakly.

“Please.”

Then he takes his hand up between Dean’s bound arms and turns it to grip his wrist, right below the tie binding.

Dean’s arms jerk but hold fast above his head. Pain shoots through him for a moment but it’s overwhelmed as Cas slams downward until he’s fully seated in him.. then up halfway and flush against his thighs again. Blinding light and blood spill out under Cas’ iron hold but it’s not as important as the mounting rush building lower.

Cas’ voice is wrecked when he shakily says, “Now, Dean. You can, now.”

Even with the flickers of pain still thrilling through him from the spot above his head, he eagerly thrusts up and meets Cas on a downward plunge.. cumming deep and so completely. His whole body quakes with release, emotional as well as physical. Cas is breathing against his temple, still holding his wrist as he too spasms. Dean shudders, feeling it around his increasingly sensitive cock. 

There’s nothing but the sound of harsh breathing for almost a minute. Craning his head, Dean looks up at where his arms are suspended. As he unsteadily sucks in air, Cas slowly pulls back his hand to reveal the Sigil. Dark red swirls. Fancy E’s, back to back. Pointed line through their middles. Delicate and so goddamn beautiful, Dean could cry. He’s left feeling lighter than he can ever remember. 

Lungs burning, Dean raggedly sighs out the air he’d been holding. Blinking a few times, he feels Cas slide off him and reach up for his tied hands. When he slips them off the knob they’d been hung on, he holds them up and ducks his head underneath so they encircle his neck.

“How are you feeling?” He asks so close, inbetween gently kissing his face. Dean can’t even summon the energy to kiss back he’s so overcome with sudden exhaustion. Cas doesn’t seem to mind as the touch of lips continue to ghost over his chin, cheeks, nose…

“Dean. Tell me.”

He must have drifted off. “What?”

“Tell me how you’re feeling.”

He laughs tiredly. “Like I could sleep for a week.” He feels fingers stroke down his chest. Cas must have abracadabra-ed away all evidence of his coming because he doesn’t feel the sticky mess or blood like just a few moments ago. Everything’s warm and fuzzy and he only half pays attention when Cas gently slips out from under his arms and gets up. How is he walking when Dean can barely keep breathing?

It’s all he can do to not fall asleep. He sees Cas searching around their meager belongings .. in the square sink.. tiny fridge.. 

He jerks back awake when Cas sits down next to him, undoing his tie from his hands. There’s a bottle of water, a bag of marshmallows and a plastic blue bowl. Dean shakes his head trying to focus. He grins, remembering how he’d introduced Cas to marshmallows during Ghostbusters 2. It seemed appropriate, eating them as he spent half that movie explaining the Stay Puff Marshmallow monster. After Cas tried them for the first time, he’d downed half the bag.

“What’s that for?” He makes himself sit up.

His angel unscrews the water and hands it to him. “Drink.” After Dean takes the bottle, Cas dumps the remains of the bag of marshmallows in the bowl and holds it out.

“Cas, what are you doing?”

“I read that I should bring you sustenance after we.. after what we did. Especially after vigorous love-making. You seem to lack anything of nutritional value but I still want to make the gesture. We will remedy the situation of your poor supplies when I am confident I can use my wings again.”

Dean’s mouth turns down in a bemused expression and he starts laughing. Really laughing. Between having Cas back, the endorphins, and his serious face as he presents him with the bowl of marshmallows, Dean’s still chuckling shaking his head and when he says, “God, I love you.”

Cas puts down the bowl. They both stare at each other with it hanging in the air. Dean feels his heart seize but not in regret at having just let it slip out so carelessly. 

“It’s ok, Dean. You don’t have to..”

Cas looks like he’s waiting for Dean to spook. Dean’s frowning at the bowl and then catches sight of the sigil. It’s the first time he can run fingers over it now that his hands are free. He traces the familiar swirls slowly. Simple but more complicated than anything he’d ever experienced in his life. And that was saying something for Dean Winchester.

“Dean? Are you-“

“No. I.. Love. You. Hearts and flowers, Chick flick, Power rock ballad love you.

Cas covers the wrist with his hand and kisses him quick. “I was already aware of that but I appreciate the sentiment of you saying it.”

Dean breathes out with a whoosh. The world didn’t stop spinning. They were still here. Together. Nothing had changed except maybe he realized he hadn’t said it for Cas but for himself.

Cas has a lazy smile on his face and is still looking down at what his fingers are doing, massaging the marks left behind from yanking on the silk. 

Dean frowns and pulls away. 

“Dean?”

For a full minute he doesn’t really know what is rubbing him wrong but when it dawns on him, he feels kinda self-conscious.. not knowing quite how to ask. He can see Cas is confused and before he can tense up he starts talking. 

"Uh.. you know when I.. was dead..” Yeah he just said that. “..Ch-I mean God and me had a chat, like I said.”

“Yes.”

“He said He left to give you.. well all angels.. free will.”

Cas is scrunching his eyebrows. “You wish to talk about this now?”

Dean doesn’t say anything but chews on his lip. What the fuck is wrong with him? Its sounds needy and pathetic but he wants it anyway.

“Dean, I don’t understand what’s troubling you. Please tell me now.”

“Alright..shit, just listen. So He uh kinda said when He pulled the absent father routine, it was to give you guys choice.”

“Yes, you already said that.”

“Okay well He said something else that stuck with me...”

Cas’ eyes are weary but he keeps his fingers moving down over Dean’s mark.

“He said angels being able to uh .. fall in love.. you know..was..” Dean trails off, feeling ridiculous.

Cas confused expression clears. He pushes Dean back down on his back smoothly and follows to cover him with his body, bracing his arms to hold his weight up. 

“Dean.” And his smile is condescending. “Hester was correct in saying I was lost to you the moment I touched in you perdition. I would not have thought I possessed the ability to feel so intensely. I apologize. I did not realize.. you would not have already understood what I believed to be obvious.” 

Dean’s eyes dart all over his face, so close as he calmly says all this. “Dean, I have loved you, do love you, and will continue to love you. You need never doubt that.” 

He stares at Dean to let the truth of his words sink in and then kisses him once. Licking his lips, Dean can’t stand the intensity so he clears his throat and says, “So um I guess I can tell Sam we’re good again.”

“He will know.”

“Huh?”

“While I ensured we will have a functioning light later.. the rest of the motel’s residents will not have been spared.”

Realizing that means Sam will have known the minute Cas’ came, he chokes. “Awesome. So didn’t need my brother knowing I was doing the dirty a few rooms away. Damn, you’re like having a sexy clapper. I almost feel sorry for maintenance.”

Shrugging, Cas says, “The needs of the few outweigh the needs of the many.” Deadpan.

Dean’s face lights up. “Did you just make a Star Trek reference?” Cas shyly nods. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever been prouder.” Stretching underneath Cas he says, “Now I’m gonna need shut eye before I pass out. Wake me up if there’s an apocalypse.” 

“Go ahead, I’ll watch over you.” 

Dean rolls his eyes. “You know that’s creepy but if it means you’ll be here when I wake up, I’ll deal with it.”

“I will be, Dean.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so we reach the end, my darlings. I hope you enjoyed it. I'm going to do a few timestamps/one-shot sequels in the same verse because I have issues letting go..
> 
> I want to sincerely thank anyone who gave/gives feedback or a kudo. As it was my first multi-chapter fic.. I get caught up in my own head often and doubt myself so all of you lovely people have given me confidence to continue when I might have otherwise stopped.
> 
> Email me at Juniper4884@gmail.com I'd love to talk and/or fangirl with you! If anyone is curious about what the Sigil looks like.. Go [ Here ](http://zombeeblackcat.tumblr.com/post/60426781513/for-those-of-you-who-read-my-fic-the-hands-that)
> 
> *Eskimo Kisses*


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